Confucius

·        Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.

·        If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

·        Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

·        He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

·        Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

·        Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.

·        Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

·        Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

·        Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

·        Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.

·        Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

·        He who run behind bus get exhausted.

·        Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

·        He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs. 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time." 

·        "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam." 

·        "Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."

·        "Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!" 

·        "Work to become, not to acquire." 

·        "Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard." 

·        "A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose." 

·        "Find old man in dark, not hard!" 

·        "Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose." 

·        "Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache." 

·        "Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

·        "Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk." 

·        "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

·        "He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser." 

·        "Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" 

·        "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." 

·        "Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed." 

·        "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary." 

·        "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons." 

·        "Those who quote me are fools." 

·        "Man who drive like hell bound to get there!" 

·        "Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!" 

·        "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" 

·        "Man who sit on tack get point!" 

·        "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!" 

·        "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!" 

·        "War not determine who's right, war determines who's left." 

·        "Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"

·        "Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth." 

·        "Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag." 

·        "Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face." 

·        "Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly." 

·        "Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day." 

·        "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night" 

·        "Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing." 

·        "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok" 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time." 

·        "Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent

 

Actual letters to the council

 

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt out my knob off

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from
the wall

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become expectant mother

10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is funny colour and not fit to drink

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now its in three pieces

14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old pensioner and need it straight away

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and
satisfy my wife

20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction

21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the  garden before we move into the house

22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

Laws of Human Nature

·        "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 

·        "The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist. 

·        "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 

·        "The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 

·        "Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look. 

·        "Law of Impossibility" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 

·        "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 

·        "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. 

·        "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. 

·        "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. 

·        "Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.

Tests Before Having Children

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN:

Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feels:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4.Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there's a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

2. Stir

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

6. Do not change, you have no time.

7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids. ENJOY!!!