The Top 16 Reasons Last Night's Date Was a Failure

16. Two words: Crying Game 

15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn't go over so well since you hit the big four-oh. 

14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers - but where the hell is your hockey mask? 

13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening. 

12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you. 

11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order. 

10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit. 

9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn't bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real. 

8. You didn't feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance. 

7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone. 

6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes. 

5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter. 

4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before. 

3. Your date's position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich. 

2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing 

1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.

How to Satisfy a Man/Woman Every Time

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, floralize, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower, shave, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, never ignore, defend, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again. 

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up.

The best 35 pick up lies ever

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 

2. I\'d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. 

3. If it\'s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning! 

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face. 

6. You are so fine that I\'d eat your shit just to see where it came from. 

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can\'t hold it in. 

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let\'s go fuck. 

9. Is that a keg in your pants? \'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays? 

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don\'t know whether to mount you or eat you! 

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? 

14. I\'m not too good at algebra, but doesn\'t U+I = 69? 

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I\'ll give you the meat. 

16. Guy: \"Would you like to dance?\"
Girl: \"I don\'t care for this song and surely wouldn\'t dance with you.\"
Guy: \"I\'m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants\" 

17. I\'m new in town, could I have directions to your house. 

18. Fuck me if I\'m wrong, but is your name Yolanda? 

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 

21. Hey baby, what\'s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield? 

22. I can\'t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room. 

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me. 

24. Your body\'s name must be Visa, because it\'s everywhere I want to be. 

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I\'m the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I\'d be coming too. 

28. I\'d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 

29. Oh, I\'m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

30.The word of the day is \"legs\";lets go home and spread the word.

31.Those pants would look greatin a crumpled pile on my floor. 

32.Hi, zipper inspetor. 

33.I lost my phone number, can i haveyours?

34.hey baby, if i guess ur age, can i get in ur pants? 

35.I know what ur thinking..What r you gonna do with all this hunk o man?