MIXED JOKES TODAY

The Golden Toilet

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''

The Living Statues

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

The Lord Will Provide

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

The Marine Shares a Room

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"  he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't  care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained  in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

She's new to football

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

He is new to baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Baseball in Heaven?

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Quotes of Yogi Berra

Yogi Berra Quotes

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

Digger Phelps quotes

Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

"Basketball is a game of two halves."

"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."

"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."

"He's like all great players -- not great yet."

"You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."

Mixed football jokes

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

The Cowboy excuses

Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995

1.     Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.

2.     Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.

3.     Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.

4.     Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."

5.     Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.

6.     Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.

7.     Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!

8.     What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!

9.     Tired of going to Disneyland.

Workout at the gym

At the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

The Tyson one-liners

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

The NFL team names

NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys

Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs

Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders

San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers

Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels

Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns

Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers

Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:

Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils

Buffalo Spills

Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts

Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins

Miami Soft Ones

New England Patriots - New England Patsys

New York Jets - New York Pets

New York Not Yets

NFC West:

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons

New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's

Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs

San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central:

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs

Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's

Detroit Kittens

Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers

Green Bay Slackers

Green Bay Whackers

Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes

Minnesota ViQueens

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East:

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals

Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls

Dallas Cowpie

New York Giants - New York Midgets

Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles

Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins

Expansion Teams:

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers

Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?



As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a touch of the old hand ax in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five
points.
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself
five points.
6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten
points.
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
in a chair? Take five points.
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for
every five degrees of slope.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're
normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
an apple? Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give
yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname Duke, Butch, or Animal? Three points.

Scoring
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build
bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one
will notice.
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
you away.
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider
a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
place for you in human society. Try running for public office
instead.

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test

(the S.A.P.)


ENGLISH

1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above

2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak

3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red

4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak


READING COMPREHENSION

Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots.
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.

1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media

2. The term most Western means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct

3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above


MATHEMATICS

1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5

2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
get anything he wants from Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only

3. Delbert McBumm wants to p*wn a hundred-dollar watch. The
p*wnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of
mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
the p*wnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above

/50 6/
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ 2
of the figure at the right. / 2
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only /
d. the answer is a 9 /7 10
e. go back, it's a / 8\__

6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it
will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated


QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON

In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.

a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill

Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her a*se so she screams her t*ts off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers I love you. Do you?

a) Whisper back I love you too.
b) Put your a*se on her leg and fart.
c) Say Go to sleep dog breath.


3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your d*ck on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the b*tch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bo11ocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the b*tch.
c) Say you dirty b*tch and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the c**ts.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a cr*p and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell Move it goat face, the fkin tortoise head's out of the
shell. c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) w*nk.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the c**t, then get
p*ssed.

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.

0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.

THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!

It only takes 30 seconds.

Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!! 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out to dinner. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. see below: RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age!!! It really works. This is the only year it will ever work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to anyone you think might enjoy it.

UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM

____________________University


To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________


I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be

changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:


______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in

_______________.

______5. I'll lose my scholarship.

______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used

did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every

little fact.

______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams

asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

______Males ______Jews ______Blacks

______Females ______Catholics ______Whites

______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities

______Chicanos ______People ______Students

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or

at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the

following illness:

______mono ______broken baby finger

______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy

______VD ______fatherhood

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly

how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

_____16. The lectures were:

______too detailed to pick out important points

______not explained in sufficient detail

______too boring

______all jokes and not enough material

______all of the above

_____17. This course was:

______too early, I was not awake.

______at lunchtime, I was hungry

______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my

(book, notes, paper) for this course.

_____19. Other___________________________________________________

Laws of parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

The ten commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists

Yes, they're all true as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff.

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh."

4. Are the bears with collars tame?

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

9. Are there birds in Canada?

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

16. How far is Banff from Canada?

17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

21. Are there phones in Banff?

22. So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles?

23. We're on the decibel system you know.

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?

26. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom."
Tourist: "Oh!"

27. Where do you put the animals at night?

Funny Yet True Fortune Cookie Blunders

Be thankful the next time you open up a fortune cookie that doesn?t have a fortune as strange as these:

Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas.

You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses an appointment.

You will gain admiration from your pears.

You will receive a fortune cookie.

Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom.

A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.

You love Chinese food.

Someone will invite you to a Karaoke party.

Don't behave with cold manners.

Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.

Don't forget you are always on our minds.

What you left behind is more mellow than wine.

There is no mistake so great as that of being always right.

Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.

A tub and a rub will change your day.

THAT WASN'T CHICKEN.

Suppose you can get what you want.

If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it, eat a monkey.

It's about time I got out of that cookie.

The greatest danger could be your stupidity.

Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.

To lower your stress level, get a cat.

Your present plants are going to succeed.

A nice cake is waiting for you.

Taxi driver in New york

There is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night. So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab.

Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says, "Um...can I help you??!!"

The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry, its very embarrassing, I cannot say."

And the nun looks at him and says, "Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say, so go ahead."

The driver thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, well, for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun."

She looks amused at first then replies, "Well, I think I can help you with that! but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall give you what you ask for."

And the driver says, "Great!! Sure I'm a single Catholic!!"

So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Porn stars would be envious of this kiss. And they finish up and get back on the road.

Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says, "Well, I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. You see, I'm not a catholic, and I'm also married."

The nun smiles and says, "Well, I haven't been honest with you either...My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Things to think about

-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

-It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

-On the other hand, you have different fingers.

-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

- Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

- Common Sense Isn't.

- Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

- It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.

- A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

- War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Confucius

·        Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.

·        If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

·        Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

·        He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

·        Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

·        Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.

·        Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

·        Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

·        Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

·        Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.

·        Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

·        He who run behind bus get exhausted.

·        Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

·        He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs. 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time." 

·        "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam." 

·        "Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."

·        "Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!" 

·        "Work to become, not to acquire." 

·        "Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard." 

·        "A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose." 

·        "Find old man in dark, not hard!" 

·        "Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose." 

·        "Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache." 

·        "Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

·        "Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk." 

·        "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

·        "He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser." 

·        "Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" 

·        "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." 

·        "Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed." 

·        "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary." 

·        "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons." 

·        "Those who quote me are fools." 

·        "Man who drive like hell bound to get there!" 

·        "Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!" 

·        "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" 

·        "Man who sit on tack get point!" 

·        "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!" 

·        "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!" 

·        "War not determine who's right, war determines who's left." 

·        "Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"

·        "Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth." 

·        "Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag." 

·        "Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face." 

·        "Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly." 

·        "Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day." 

·        "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night" 

·        "Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing." 

·        "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok" 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time." 

·        "Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent

 

Actual letters to the council

 

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt out my knob off

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from
the wall

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become expectant mother

10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is funny colour and not fit to drink

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now its in three pieces

14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old pensioner and need it straight away

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and
satisfy my wife

20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction

21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the  garden before we move into the house

22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

Laws of Human Nature

·        "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 

·        "The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist. 

·        "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 

·        "The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 

·        "Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look. 

·        "Law of Impossibility" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 

·        "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 

·        "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. 

·        "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. 

·        "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. 

·        "Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.