Descriptions of people you may know!

Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.

Quotes - Please Engage Brain Before Speaking

• "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- singer Mariah Carey.
• Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
• "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.
• "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
• "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
• "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
• "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".
• "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
• "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
• "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
• "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician

 

13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.
10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
6. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
3. Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.
2. Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."
1. Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"