The Future - As Seen In 1960 

 

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"

23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."

24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."

27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."

28. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."

32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees."

35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

 

Employee evaluations

               Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations: 

1.      "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2.     "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3.     "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

Why We Appreciate Men

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)

1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)

2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)

3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)

4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)

5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with "us"!!)

6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)

7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)

8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!

9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)

10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)

11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]

12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)

13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)

14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)

15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)

16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)

17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)

18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)

19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)

20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)

21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)

22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)

23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)

24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)

25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)

26. They can make great sex partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)

27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)

28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)

29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)

30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)

31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)

32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)

 

The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union

16 You catch yourself thinking, "You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows."

15 "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"

14 You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.

13 You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.

12 "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"

11 "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"

10 Your new Martha Burke signature putter.

9 Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.

8 You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.

7 You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.

6 Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.

5 Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.

4 You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.

3 You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."

2 When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.

1 "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."

The Six Most Important Men In a Woman's Life

.

Doctor-Because he says-
"Take off all your clothes"

Dentist-Because he says-
"Open wide"

Milkman-Because he says-
"Do you want it in the front or back?"

Hairdresser-Because he says-
"Want it teased of blown?"

Interior Decorator-Because he says-
"Once it's in you'll love it"

Banker-Because he says-
"If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.


Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.


Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.


Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.


Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).


If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.


Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

10 Good Things About The Flu

10. No one wants to come near you.

9. You can legally take sedatives.

8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.

7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.

6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.

5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.

4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.

3. Star Trek re-runs.

2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.

1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

Ultra dumb people

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

How do you know when you're getting older

• "I just can't drink the way I used to", replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".
• 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

• 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
• A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.
• About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".
• All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
• All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.
• An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
• At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

 

• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
• Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
• Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• Getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative.
• Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi and Ho-Ho's
• Happy hour is a nap.
• Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired
• It takes twice as long to look half as good.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
• Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

• MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
• One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
• People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• The candles cost more than the cake.
• The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
• The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• The girls at the office start confiding in you.
• The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.
• The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
• The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

Stress (a helpful one)

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all ... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.                        
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.

 If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practised.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.
Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.. 

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone £ 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
                
                   AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20*Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate !