Sarcastic Remarks for Work

1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You!... Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

13. Allow me to introduce my selves.

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I
leave the house?

19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.

25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

30. I plead contemporary insanity.

31. And which dwarf are you?

32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

33. Meandering to a different drummer.

34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink ateveryone. 

Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the
meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the
boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize

10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club. 

9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator". 

8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.

7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz. 

6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters. 

5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort. 

4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell. 

3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store" are discontinued. 

2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin). 

1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.

How all careers end

How careers end... 

Lawyers are disbarred. 

Ministers are defrocked. 

Electricians are delighted. 

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. 

Drunks are distilled. 

Alpine climbers are dismounted. 

Piano tuners are unstrung. 

Orchestra leaders are disbanded. 

Artists' models are deposed. 

Cooks are deranged. 

Dressmakers are unbiased. 

Nudists are redressed. 

Office clerks are defiled. 

Mediums are dispirited. 

Programmers are decoded. 

Accountants are discredited. 

Holy people are disgraced. 

Pastry chefs are deserted. 

Perfume makers are dissented. 

Butterfly collectors are debugged. 

Students are degraded. 

Electricians are refused. 

Bodybuilders are rebuffed. 

Underwear models are debriefed 

Painters are discolored. 

Spinsters are dismissed. 

Judges are disappointed. 

Vegas dealers are discarded. 

Mathematicians are discounted. 

Tree surgeons disembark.

How do you know when you're getting older

• "I just can't drink the way I used to", replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".
• 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

• 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
• A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.
• About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".
• All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
• All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.
• An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
• At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

 

• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
• Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
• Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• Getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative.
• Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi and Ho-Ho's
• Happy hour is a nap.
• Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired
• It takes twice as long to look half as good.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
• Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

• MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
• One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
• People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• The candles cost more than the cake.
• The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
• The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• The girls at the office start confiding in you.
• The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.
• The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
• The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

WHY THE 80's WERE COOLER FOR BEING A TEENAGER THAN THE 90's

MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.

- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.

- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

- Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.
- In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.

- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!