Great lines from job evaluations!

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. The biggest tool in the shed.

12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.

13. A room temperature IQ.

14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Bright as Alaska in December.

22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.

24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

26. He’s so dense light bends around him.

27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other men thing.

30. One neuron short of a synapse.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.

The Bosses' Itinerary

 

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. 

Agenda follows: 

Day 1: 

The "10 Deadliest Snakes" 

Fall Tour.You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes. 
 
Day 2: 

The "Great White Encounter". 

You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark. 

Day 3:

The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears". 

You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition. 

Day 4: 

The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. 

You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: 

"Those Marvelous Morays". 

This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.

The office happenings

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings,
everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the
ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from
surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is
an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks
and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although
that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our
entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year
and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss'
daughter finishes her summer classes.

FUNNY WORLD

And for the Main Course

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a space ship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.

Too Well-Educated

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

...Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike
Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

The Future - As Seen In 1960 

 

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"

23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."

24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."

27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."

28. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."

32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees."

35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

 

Employee evaluations

               Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations: 

1.      "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2.     "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3.     "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

Evaluation comments

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments 

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in allthose glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright. 

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. 

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. 

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. 

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. 

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. 

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. 

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. 

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. 

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. 

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. 

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. 

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. 

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. 

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. 

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. 

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. 

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. 

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. 

HAPPY: Paid too much. 

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. 

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. 

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. 

SHOULD GO FAR: Please. 

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. 

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. 

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. 

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Employee evaluations.

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

The Basic Laws of Work

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. 

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. 

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. 

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done. 

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 

No matter how much you do, you never do enough. 

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

PERFORMANCE TERMS

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone 

Average Employee - Not too bright 

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too 

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does 

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses 

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive - Obnoxious 

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it 

Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English 

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker 

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice 

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky 

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes 

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

Business rules

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Job application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food
establishment... 

NAME: Greg Bulmash 

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If Iwas in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. 

EDUCATION: Yes. 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. 

SALARY: Less than I'm worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-itnotes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what? 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. 

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with afabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. 

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Work Rules to Live By

.

1. Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 Jackets

If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere

Quips & Quotes on the Office

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."
- Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don't have enough time to do all their work?
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."- Robert Frost

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, myfriend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she wasstepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt goton with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little
casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the
company.""Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security."- Unknown

Being punctual in our office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it."Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."- Unknown

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just
fine," the boss continued. "After you left the office early yesterday to go to
your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!""Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker."- Unknown

Our office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened, some of them even got ulcers.
"We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day."
- Unknown

Stevenson's boss came into his office one morning and caught him hugging his
secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for?!" Stevenson
replied, "Nope, I do this for free!""Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After a few hours, you realize the pig likes it."

- Unknown

The pretty new temp was standing in front of the paper shredder with a
confused look on her face. Stevenson asked if she needed any help and she said,
"Yeah, how does this thing work?" He took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet anotherconfused expression, so Stevenson said, "Any questions?" She said, "Yeah...exactly where do the copies come out from?""This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."- Unknown

 

Rejection Letters

Dear Sir: 

A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you
applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not
get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you
did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were
hoping this letter would say. But it doesn't, because you didn't.

Sincerely,
Human Recourses

********************

Dear Sir:

You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get
it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we
have not heard back from you that you completely understand that
you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know
that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and
never will be.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has
been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to
inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire
you.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally
discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?

Sincerely,
Personnel

********************

Dear Sir:

If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by
now we would have been forced to let you go.

Sincerely,
Human Recources

********************

Dear Sir:

We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains
you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake.
You're the wrong person. Oh, well, we're going to go ahead and
send this letter to you anyway.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had
a job? Just curious.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

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Dear Sir:

While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded
into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the
window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and
mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

It has come to our attention that an employee in our department
has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We
have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring
you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he
was "going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut."
(Some of us think he said "like a peanut," but most think he
said "walnut.") If he shows up at your apartment, please explain
to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department