Make life simpler tips

 

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1.     Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

2.     Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

3.     Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

4.     Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

5.     No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

6.     Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

7.     If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

8.     Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Adults learn from kids

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

1.     There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

2.     If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.     A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.     4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

5.     It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

6.     Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7.     You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

8.     When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

9.     A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10.                       The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11.                       When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

12.                       Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

13.                       A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

14.                       A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15.                       If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

16.                       A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

17.                       Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

18.                       Duplos will not.

19.                       Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

20.                       Super glue is forever.

21.                       McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

22.                       Ditto Tarzan.

23.                       No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

24.                       Pool filters do not like Jello.

25.                       VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

26.                       Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27.                       Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28.                       You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

29.                       Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30.                       Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31.                       The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

32.                       The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

33.                       It will however make cats dizzy.

34.                       Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35.                       Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

36.                       A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

 

Tell him that he's stupid

 

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

1.     A few crumbs short of a crouton.

2.     A few clowns short of a circus.

3.     A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

4.     An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

5.     A few beers short of a six-pack.

6.     A few peas short of a casserole.

7.     The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

8.     One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

9.     One taco short of a combination plate.

10.                       A few feathers short of a whole duck

11.                       All foam, no beer.

12.                       Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

13.                       Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.

14.                       He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

15.                       An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

16.                       As smart as bait.

17.                       Chimney's clogged.

18.                       Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

19.                       Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.

20.                       Forgot to pay her brain bill.

21.                       Her sewing machine's out of thread.

22.                       If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

23.                       Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

24.                       Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

25.                       Has the intelligence of a Carrot.

Must be out of shape

 

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

1.     You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.

2.     People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"

3.     You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.

4.     Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.

5.     Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.

6.     You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.

7.     You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.

8.     Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.

9.     The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"

All of life's annoyances

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1.     ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

2.     ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

3.     ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

4.     ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

5.     ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

6.     ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

7.     ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

8.     ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.

9.     ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

10.                       ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

11.                       ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

12.                       ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

13.                       ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

14.                       ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

15.                       ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

16.                       ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

You're no longer cool

 

You Are No Longer "Cool" When

1.     You find yourself listening to talk radio.

2.     You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

3.     The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

4.     You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

5.     You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

6.     You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

7.     You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

8.     You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

9.     When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

10.                       When jogging is something you do to your memory.

11.                       Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

12.                       All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

13.                       You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

14.                       You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

15.                       You actually ASK for your father's advice.

16.                       You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

17.                       When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Ten worst gifts to buy a woman

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

 

More nice jokes

A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief,  you have to get over here,  my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?" 

Why don't they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, "I will need to ask you a few questions."  "What is 2+2?" The blonde said, "4." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered, "Blue." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said, "I don't know." The officer said, "When you find out come back and tell me." So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, "As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!"

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater? An armadildo.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

To err is human, to moo bovine. 

You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!"

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.

Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong.

I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.

I used to work at the unemployment office, then I got fired. I had to show up the next day anyway!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

Don't look at me with that tone of voice.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I am having an out of money experience.

Smoking is a dying art.

I just bought a new toilet brush. I still prefer paper, though.

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"

I don’t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

Can you play sole music with a shoe horn? 

Jesus saves. Moses invests.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

Two salesmen are at another salesman's funeral. One says to the other, "What did he have?" The other salesman says "California, Oregon and Washington".

A will is a dead giveaway.

It's so noisy at my apartment building, what with all the banging on the wall, but I just ignore it and play my bagpipes.

Can a match box? No, but a tin can. 

Customer: Waiter! There is a fly in my soup. Waiter: That could very well be, sir, the cook used to be a tailor. 

Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.

I wasn't the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.

I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.

Money flies when you're having fun. 

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared!

Men are like roses - watch out for the pricks!

In football, why does the running back run forward?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.

Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store?

I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It’s one of those self-help books. It’s called "How To Get Along With Everybody." I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk.

I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.

The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

That guy is so vain - he won’t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

In football, why does the running back run forward?

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.

A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."

God created man. Then God said, "I can do better". Then he created woman.

The constipated composer couldn't finish his last movement. 

I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months. It's probably the mittens.

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.

Obey gravity! It's the law.

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off, but he was trying to pull my leg.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

If you were under house arrest, but lived in a mobile home - you could still go wherever you wanted. 

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That's a good thing, because he's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor,"You can go on in." The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, "You can go in on a trial basis." The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, "You can enter, but only for 3 days."

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it.

For God's sake, why are you hanging around with athiests?

I met a woman named "Viamonte". I said, "You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do."

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke."

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates.

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

Do dwarves get paid under the table?

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen?

The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it.

A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door.

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

The Invisible Man married Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.

One cannibal says to another, "I hate my mother-in-law."

Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals?

The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.

There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It's the Picabo ICU.

If you wear a "Guess" shirt, is the answer on the back of the shirt?

A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!"

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? He's trying to figure out the combination!

How long do we have too "practice religion" before we get it right?

Why were the baseball players hot? Because all of the fans left! 

The point of life may very well be figuring out the point of life.

The doctor tells his patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we're going to name a disease after you."

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Dyslexics for cure found!

Guns don't kill people, radical pro-life activists kill people.

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

There are no Wal-Marts in Afghanistan. They're all Targets.

A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."

The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?)

Let`s say you are a American and you are in this room. When you go into the bathroom, European!

Surprise morning lovin' is the best. Unless you're in prison.