Gator Bite
A guy walked into a
barwith a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and
turned to theastonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and placemy genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In returnfor witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, droppedhis trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed hismouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped thealligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The manstood up again and made another offer.
''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hushfell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise notto hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and placemy genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In returnfor witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, droppedhis trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed hismouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped thealligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The manstood up again and made another offer.
''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hushfell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise notto hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Get Away From my Deer!
It was Saturday
morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the
season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his
surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with
you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her
along.
They arrive at the hunting site.
Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a
deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the
shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a
deer.But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room
A man staggers into
an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet
round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We
went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and
sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake.""What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
Goose Hunting
So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts
it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting
Inspector walks up.
"Sir, can I please see that
bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over.The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting License?"
The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.
He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?"
The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?"
The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.
"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector.
The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"
Gorilla Chase!
There was a man who
owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had
to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.
He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three
bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch
its fur.
So the next day the man came and
gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why
can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
Got Any Grapes?
A ducks walks into
a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the
ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
How To Bathe A Cat
I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect toomuch.)
IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better
Mighty Mouse
Three mice are
sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress
each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it
down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says,
"When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to
work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of
bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to
the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect
as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee
each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr.
Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One
day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They
were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he
didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so
he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Nerd Season
A trucker hauling
computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he
sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over.
On aproaching the door he sees a
sign that says: NO NERDS.He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd season.”
“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, “STOP! STOP!”
“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”
“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”
Not Going To Try This Again
A blonde decides to
try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It
gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
