A Guy Goes Into A Bar

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!"

A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry", said the barman, "We don't serve Heineken here."

A Los Angeles Dodger races into a bar. The bartender throws him out. (substitute your "favorite" team/player)

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says "Those horse-face jokes are mean and insensitive. What'll you have?"

An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host." 

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

John Mellencamp walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The man says, "I'll have a 'Jack and Diane'" 

A guy walks into a bar with a piano entertainer, sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey soon jumps on the bar and urinates in the guy's beer. The guy yells to the piano player, "Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!"

A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short face?" 

Louie Armstong walks into a bar in Tibet where the high priest is the bartender. Louis says, "Hello, Dahli!"

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman at the end of the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and I'd like to buy a drink for the douchebag at the end of the bar. The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk to a woman like that." The bartender asks the woman what she would like. The woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"

A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa? 

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"

A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"

A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.  

A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

An old lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A scraggly old drunk staggers over, takes one look, and says, "Jeeeez, that's the UGLIEST thing I ever saw!" The woman turns her nose up at him and says, "This happens to be a stately creature! Go away, you horrid man!" The old drunk yells, "Lady, I was talkin' to the duck!"

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

An astronaut walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and then peppers him with questions about his job. Finally, the frustrated space man says, "Heh! I'm trying to relax here! Give me a little space!" The bartender answers, "Is that Uranus your Saturn on?" (thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

A drunk walks into a bar pulling a huge anchor chain. The bartender says, "What are you doing, dragging that huge chain into my bar?" The drunk says, "Did you ever try pushing one?" 

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

An inkjet cartridge walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Are you sure you don't need a refill?"

A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws him out. 

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"  

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

A urologist walks into a bar and sits down. "What'll ya have?" the bartender asks. "That Depends. I'm kinda of pissed off today." "Well," says the bartender, "why don't you go with the flow and order a light beer. That way you can recycle your own refills." The urologist answers, "Oh, not to worry, I can afford to buy everyone here a drink." "Oh," says the bar keep, "then urine in the money?"

A dead battery walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Are you positive you want one?" the bartender asks. The dead battery answers, "Yep! and charge it too!"

A monk, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! Is this some kind of joke?"

An older gentleman walks into a bar with an attractive, 21 year old girlfriend on his arm. As he orders their drinks, bar patrons in yell "Pedophile! Pedophile!" in jealous anger. The bartender says, "Don't mind them, they're just envious." The gentleman says, "Okay, but they are completely ruining our 10th anniversary!"

A man walks into an English pub and orders a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The barman says "that will be 80p."

Infinity mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half of a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender rolls his eyes and pours two beers and says, “Here, you guys work it out.”

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church. The priest says "Higgs-Bosons aren't allowed in here." The Higgs-Boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

A parasite walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here." The parasite says "well you're not a very good host."

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos in here." The neutrino says "Naw, I was just passing through."

A doctor walks into the bar and orders an MRI. The bartender asks, "What's an MRI?" The doctor says,"More Rum Inside." The bartender mixes him up a strong rum drink, sets it down in front of him, and says, "That will be $250." "What!" says the doctor, "why so expensive?" The bartender answers, "That's the deductible."

You Know You're from Canada When...

You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

You find -40 degrees (celsius) a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

You can play road hockey on skates.

You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You know what a "vendor" is, and you have said "Grab me an Extra Old Stock for last call. I'm going to hit the vendor, and we can head back to my place."

You find it interesting to guess the gender of the person under all those clothes.

Skinner's, Kelekis, Salisbury House, Bridge Drive-In, and perogies from the church basement are all you need to survive. And the vendor - don't forget that.

Manitoba is so flat that, on a clear day, you can see the back of your own head.

You've caught a 50-pound channel catfish, and thrown it back. Too small. Who wants a muck-raking, scum-sucking bottom feeder unless it has a Law degree?

Good times? Meat Bingo. Don't ask.

Winnipeg is one of the only places in Canada where you can walk into a shop, be greeted in French, reply in English, and have the clerk switch linguistic gears seamlessly with no snark at all.

Enter the Festivale de Voyageur beard growing contest, and you don't have to shave for an entire year.

You can buy a 1-bedroom condo in the heart of downtown Winnipeg for about $60,000 (Canadian dollars). You can get a fixer-upper starter home for less than the price of a new luxury car.

If you get your car stuck in the snow, passers-by will help you push it out without having to ask them. It's reflex.

You know (from experience) that when a frostbite warning says "exposed skin may freeze in 1 minute or less", they mean it.

You know what the little electrical plug in the grill of the car is for.

You are surprised when you move to a different province, because places where people aren't cooped up for months have really crappy musicians.

You've eaten a Skinner's hotdog, a Goog Special from the BDI, a cheese nip from the Sal's, and washed it down with an Extra Old Stock. You know that a Fat Boy is a burger, that bannock is useless without beans, and that the best perogies come out of church basements.