SOMETHING FOR MONDAY

Our Four Sons

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

People in Grass Houses

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'

People in Grass Houses

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'

Ponderous Notions

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Prisoner of War

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.

Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

Spring of 1957

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. “Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” he says. “That's cool,” says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. “Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!”

Statue Fantasy

An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea.

He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, ''Go off and experience with each other whatever you've wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.''
Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him.
The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ''For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!''
With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ''The old man's right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!''

Takeout Small Talk

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.

While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."

Tech Glossary

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Telemarketer Repellant

1.     If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

2.     Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

3.     If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

4.     If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

5.     If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

6.     Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

7.     Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

8.     Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

9.     Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

10.                       When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.

WE’RE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.
This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?

Pupil: Not very much!

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

A student is sitting at astronomy lecture in college, when the professor mentions.
"In about 15 billion years, the sun will burn out and all life on earth will cease to exist."
"Excuse me, professor, did you say 5 billion years or 15 billion?"
"15 billion."
"Whew, thanks, because I was really getting worried."

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "T".
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

Teacher: If you eat fish?
Student: It's good for my eyes.
Teacher: If you don't eat fish?
Student: It's good for the fish!

A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time."

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

teacher asked : Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"

The teacher said to Danny: "Why are you in the floor?"
Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."

Ms.Battle: Henry, I hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test.
Henry: I hope you didn't either.

BAR JOKES

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you are drunk."

Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stole my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key," Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards pen*s is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!!"

Two Russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.
So one says, "OK, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

If You're A Democrat You Believe:

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of
funding.
2. You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on
demand - in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing
the innocent.
3. You have to believe that the same overpaid public school
idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to
teach those same kids about sex.
4. You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes
and doctors are overpaid.
5. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding
Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands
of the Red Chinese.
6. You have to believe that global temperatures are less
affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of
the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
7. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but
being gay is natural.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and
governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but
pasty-faced, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than
actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.
12. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians,
start wars.
13. You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+
channels can't deliver the programming quality PBS does.
14. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for
certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good,
because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
15. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are
too high.
16. You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and
Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than
Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison.
17. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but
racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
18. You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous
than HIV.
19. You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black
people couldn't make it without your help.
20. You have to believe that the only reason democratic
socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the
right people haven't been in charge.

Great Laws Of America

1. It's illegal to pump gas in New Jersey. (Back to riding my
unicycle)
2. In South Carolina, you can't keep a horse in the bathtub.
(Your hiding place has been discovered Besse)
3. California's state's laws say pot-bellied pigs and hamsters
in animal shelters must be given the same treatment as cats and
dogs. (I worked 10 years trying to have that law passed.. now
all I need to do is have it enforced)
4. In Georgia, all signs must be written in English. (You are no
exception Taco Bell!)
5. In some New Jersey communities, milk is the only item you're
allowed to buy on Sundays. (What, no toothpaste either?)
6. In Massachusetts, the law says you can go to jail if you
challenge or accept a duel--even if it's never fought. (Damnit..)
7. In Montana, it's considered a felony if a wife opens her
husbands mail for him. (Whoops)
8. In Arkansas, the government passed a law saying Arkansas must
be pronounced "Arkansaw." (Thank the Lord!)
9. On Sundays in S. Carolina, you can't buy TV's and radios.
(AND RADIOS??!!)
10. In Massachusetts, you can't frighten a pigeon unless it's on
your property. (Good thing I own all of Boston)

How to scare your roommate

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend
to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out,"
and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning
until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was
curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're
going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten
minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard
man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice
to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate
beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance"
with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend
the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked
in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you
love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One
day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of
having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and
run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see
your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to
take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have
enough for that sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

Know because of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV


If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.


If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.


All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.


All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.


It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.


Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.


You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.


Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.


The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.


People of TV never finish their drinks.


A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


The chief of police is always black.


When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.


Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.


During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.


Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.


Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.


A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.


If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.


Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.


All single women have a cat.


Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.


Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.


One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.


Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.


If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"


Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.


It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.


During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.


When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.


Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.


Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.


No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.


If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.


You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.


Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.


Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.


Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.


All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.


It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.


Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.


A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

That green tarp covering your pool? You DON'T have a tarp on your pool.

- Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

- That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey.

- pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

- Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

- New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

- Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

- Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing.

- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

- "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

- You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

- Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

- Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.

- You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

- The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

Words WITH Funny Meaning

·        Harley-Vous Francais? - Can you drive a French motorcycle? 

·        Haste Cuisine - French fast food.

·        Posh Mortem - Aristocratic deaths .

·        Felix Navidad - My cat has a boat.

·        Merci rien- Thanks for nothing.

·        Quip pro quo - A very fast reply.

·        Veni, Vidi, Vice - I came, I saw, I was naughty.

·        Ich liebe rich - I'd love to have lots of money.

·        Amicus Puriae - A platonic friend.

·        Respondez s'il vous plaid - Only come to the party in a kilt.

·        Parlez-vous Francais - Do you speak French?  (Harley as in Harley-Davidson motorbike.)

·        Haute Cuisine - Translates from the French literally as "high cooking" it refers to quality cooking in good restaurants

·        Post Mortem - Latin for autopsy - to examine a body after death

·        Feliz Navidad - Happy Christmas to Spanish speakers worldwide

·        Merci bien - Thank you in French - "rien" the French for nothing

·        Quid pro quo - From the Latin "something for something" - an equal exchange of goods or services

·        Vene, Vedi, Vici - I came, I saw, I conquered - words attributed to Julius Caesar.

·        Ich liebe dich - I love you in German

·        Amicus curiae is a legal Latin phrase, literally translated as "friend of the court".

·        RSVP - Please reply  (Answer in French!)

·        Every year the Washington Post asks its readers to dream up alternative, yet cool meanings for ordinary words.  Here are examples:

·        Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk

·        Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

·        Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

·        Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

·        Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

·        Poultry in motion: A chicken crossing the road

·        Acupuncture: A jab well done.

·        If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

·        When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

·        Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.