Question and answer blond jokes

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.

Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

Know because of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV


If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.


If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.


All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.


All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.


It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.


Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.


You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.


Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.


The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.


People of TV never finish their drinks.


A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


The chief of police is always black.


When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.


Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.


During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.


Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.


Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.


A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.


If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.


Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.


All single women have a cat.


Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.


Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.


One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.


Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.


If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"


Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.


It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.


During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.


When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.


Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.


Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.


No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.


If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.


You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.


Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.


Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.


Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.


All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.


It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.


Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.


A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

That green tarp covering your pool? You DON'T have a tarp on your pool.

- Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

- That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey.

- pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

- Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

- New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

- Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

- Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing.

- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

- "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

- You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

- Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

- Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.

- You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

- The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

A Childs View Of A Retirement

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy's reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don't know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won't let them out.

REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.

We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question


"That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."


"I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."


"Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."


"Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!"


"Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."


"Like the girl I was with yesterday."


"Like someone in dire need for some liposuction."


"Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend."


"How can I put this...MOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD 

 
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

" Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

Seen on a woman's car:

"Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I is a college student."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"