The corporate boat race
An American
automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive
boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could
be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale
sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat
had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of
"Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend
appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing
and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8
people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a
consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent
losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to
"4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering
Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to
give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We
must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of
the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted
development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting
firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
The results of a government study
For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many
tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the
working population.
Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.
Stop being late to work
Tom had this
problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His
boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about
it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning
by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you
yesterday?"
The accident report
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block
number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully
and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I
discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought
up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than
carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the
items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached
to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded
the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number
11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded
at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of
the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull
and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately,
by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the
rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and
the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the
barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block
number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the
tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower
body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when
I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain,
unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of
mind. I let go of the rope.
How to look busy
Generally, this
will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once
you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your
place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the
real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously
taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to
take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone
with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot
through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone
with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job
is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is
about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are at your
computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your
computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently
plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away
on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your
electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the
DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV
guide you placed in the DOS manual.
Appearance: You are staring at
an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed
"Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled
"Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
The work qualification test
Murphy applied
for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job
and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by
the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of
the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for
your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"
Murphy: "And why would you
be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the
job!"
Manager: "We have made our
decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would
one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the
American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down
"Neither do I."
Bosses versus workers
When I take a
long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
Signs Technology Took Over Your
Life
1. Your
stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead
lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your
Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and
continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any
letter you write is letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because
there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you
forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by
silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
"digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you
are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social
security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice
number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are
plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster
than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic
town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking
up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the
product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to
say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question
instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under
a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around
to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact,
you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
32. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them
into e-mail and forwarded it to you.
33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.
34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.
35. While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your
voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.
36. You are reading this from a screen.
Employee want ad translations
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will
pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not
know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no
training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will
frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills:
You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future:
This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position:
You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle
the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation:
You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds:
We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a
lifetime: You will not
find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You
book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will
work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You
will write tons of documentation and letters.
Performance evaluation translations
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly:
Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments:
An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with
logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to
compromise.
Character above reproach: Still
one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any
opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get
work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful:
Scared.
Consults with co-workers often:
Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often:
Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively:
Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership:
Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement:
Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility:
Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but
avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of
skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string
two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with
superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the
hard way.
Identifies major management problems:
Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction:
Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to
go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all
office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others:
Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by
no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound:
Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots
of dirty jokes.
Keeps informed on business issues:
Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of
his own.
Maintains a high degree of
participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude:
A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail:
A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors
steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to
college.
Of great value to the organization:
Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources:
Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible
excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal
readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job:
Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real
jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and
insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles:
Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to
progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick
with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates
everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock
watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons
to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle
paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much
busywork.
Will go far: Relative of
management.
Willing to take calculated risks:
Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude:
Opinionated.
Looks bad on resume cover letters
1. I'm really
keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have
worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.
The copy machine handout
In most offices, the
photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered
question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and
handed them this sheet.
The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
Thank You
The Procrastinator's creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of
bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies,
astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount
of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my
mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task
to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to
beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the
Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
Reasons to leave work
1. Not spending
enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2. Came dressed in only a towel...again.
3. Ran out of paper clips.
4. I've decided to telecommute.
5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6. It's a long drive home to Texas.
7. One-day sale at Macy's.
8. My brain is melting!
9. I think they found me out...
10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
Reasons to stay at work all night
1. Act out your
version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office
buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the
morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did
this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can
have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
Keeping a high profile in an
office
Never write a
note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever
you're ready.
Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and
remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!
Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that
they don't feel left out.
The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone
else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or
hanging over their screen.
Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard.
People love surprises, especially if they're busy.
The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are
concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.
To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No
Disturb" sign. When other people use them they're only joking.
Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will
think you've got something to hide.
If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it
eventually, and they might like a chat, too.
Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into
bad habits.
Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to
others to know that you're still there.
If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open
spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.
Why did he fire you?
Two neighbors
were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire
you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing
around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started
thinking I was the foreman."
Japanese management lecture
Four corporate
presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on
their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by
terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be
executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by
singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial
management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to
listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
Those who don't know
The world is
divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know.
Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And
they become unit managers!
Who is doing the work around here?
The population of
the United States was 180 million at the time of writing,
but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the
work.
People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work.
Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left
to do the work.
Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers.
Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three
million to do the work.
There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities
leaving half a million workers.
However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000
to do the work.
Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that
leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm
getting tired of doing everything myself!
Everybody, somebody, anybody, and
nobody
This is the story
of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an
important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have
done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was
Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized
that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told
Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
The requirements of this job
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you
want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was
responsible."
A tight travel budget
All workers
please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 2000
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these
policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be
purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme
circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting
with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized
whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent
safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on
company business trips.
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company
business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be
exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good
weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be
noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly"
stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often
be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous
roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If
restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering
"all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to
employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever
group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company
business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed
at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly
preparation.
Entertainment
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are
required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick
up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince
the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing
a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can
drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet
cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in
the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common
effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already
suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods
which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red
Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may
earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods.
Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may
be made as time permits.
You really do stink
It was a
particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had
been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the
visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another
close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed.
"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first
down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him
tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is
that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball,
paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to
face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
