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English horn jokes

Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
A: One is far more painful to your ears.

Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?
A: I'll tell you when I meet one.

Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.

Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

Flute jokes

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison.

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

French horn jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.

Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."

Guitar jokes

Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Harmonica jokes

Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

Harp jokes

A harp is a nude piano.

A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Harpsichord jokes

The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".

Oboe jokes

Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.

Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries.

Organ jokes

Q: Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
A: They are always longing for another stop.

Q: Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.

Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.

Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?
A: A flat major.

Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.

Q: Why was the organ invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".

The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

Piano jokes

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.

Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.

Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.

Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.

Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.

Piccolo jokes

Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Saxophone jokes

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Trombone jokes

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.

Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

Trumpet jokes

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.

Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.

Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."

Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!

Tuba jokes

Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.

Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."

Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree
to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: 

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your
mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I
don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
 
FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude
with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the
report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
"Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
 
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about
it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very
important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Actual Business Signs In USA

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." 

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" 

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church." 

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." 

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?" 

In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts."

You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

ARE YOU AN ENGINEER?

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.

If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.

If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and
your camera's flash attachment.

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

If you own 'Official Star Trek' anything.

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

If you truly believe aliens are living among us.

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

If you have more toys than your kids.

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up to
the front to fix it.

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

If you did the sound system for your senior prom.

If your checkbook always balances.

If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.

If you spend more on your home computer than your car.

If you know what http:/ stands for.

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or
Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

How to Screw up an Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. 

The lowlights: 

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy od Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 

15. "His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Management Style

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. Itshould be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. Noone will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I'say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office,
and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts(pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he lookedthe word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definitionto send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 

16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
14 times gives you job security. 

13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by
killing all those who oppose them. 

11. We put the "k" in "kwality." 

10. 2 days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 

8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to
call in sick. 

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 

3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 

2. Plagiarism saves time. 

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Job Applicant Code

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.

When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell otherpeople what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I'veused Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokesand I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited persona advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Eight signs you have nothing to do at work

1.You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. 

4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 

5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 

6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop. 

7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Office Dares

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed. 

2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your nameand say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye". 

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. 

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier. 

9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. 

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did youget all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). 

4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from thenozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight). 

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 

FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would benice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watchyou with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

5. After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights?"

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during  a very important conference call.\

14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Nationalities

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
-----------------------------------------------------
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
-----------------------------------------------------
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you're not.
10b. At all.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
-----------------------------------------------------
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Proper beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events due to
your extensive experience
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
-----------------------------------------------------
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
-----------------------------------------------------
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty
7. One sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
-----------------------------------------------------------
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
---------------------------------------------------------
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
-----------------------------------------------------
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
-----------------------------------------------------
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness in a pub that never closes.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
-----------------------------------------------------
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
-----------------------------------------------------
1. Knowing your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

 

Things your mom would never say

1.How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

2.Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

3.Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.

4.Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

5.That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

6.Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

7.The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

8.Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house
look bad.

9.Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

10.Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.