If You're A Democrat You Believe:
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of
funding.
2. You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on
demand - in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing
the innocent.
3. You have to believe that the same overpaid public school
idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to
teach those same kids about sex.
4. You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes
and doctors are overpaid.
5. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding
Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands
of the Red Chinese.
6. You have to believe that global temperatures are less
affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of
the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
7. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but
being gay is natural.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and
governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but
pasty-faced, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than
actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.
12. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians,
start wars.
13. You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+
channels can't deliver the programming quality PBS does.
14. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for
certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good,
because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
15. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are
too high.
16. You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and
Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than
Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison.
17. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but
racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
18. You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous
than HIV.
19. You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black
people couldn't make it without your help.
20. You have to believe that the only reason democratic
socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the
right people haven't been in charge.
Great Laws Of America
1. It's illegal to pump gas in New Jersey. (Back to riding my
unicycle)
2. In South Carolina, you can't keep a horse in the bathtub.
(Your hiding place has been discovered Besse)
3. California's state's laws say pot-bellied pigs and hamsters
in animal shelters must be given the same treatment as cats and
dogs. (I worked 10 years trying to have that law passed.. now
all I need to do is have it enforced)
4. In Georgia, all signs must be written in English. (You are no
exception Taco Bell!)
5. In some New Jersey communities, milk is the only item you're
allowed to buy on Sundays. (What, no toothpaste either?)
6. In Massachusetts, the law says you can go to jail if you
challenge or accept a duel--even if it's never fought. (Damnit..)
7. In Montana, it's considered a felony if a wife opens her
husbands mail for him. (Whoops)
8. In Arkansas, the government passed a law saying Arkansas must
be pronounced "Arkansaw." (Thank the Lord!)
9. On Sundays in S. Carolina, you can't buy TV's and radios.
(AND RADIOS??!!)
10. In Massachusetts, you can't frighten a pigeon unless it's on
your property. (Good thing I own all of Boston)
How to scare your roommate
1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend
to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out,"
and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning
until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was
curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're
going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten
minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard
man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice
to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate
beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance"
with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend
the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked
in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you
love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One
day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of
having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and
run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see
your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to
take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have
enough for that sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
