WE LOVE TECHNOLOGY ….

Husbands' Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''

The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''

Nerd Sayings Galore

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <--- The information went data way --->
11. Best file compression around: ''''DEL *.*'''' = 100% compression.
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
14. The name is Baud, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn''''t DOS ever say ''''EXCELLENT command or filename!''''
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y''''all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don'''' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer''''s attention span is as long as it''''s power cord.
31. 11th commandment-Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor''''s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as dating formation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who''''s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I''''m modeming... and I can''''t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. ''''640K ought to be enough for anybody.'''' - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press – continue…

Nerd Season

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over.

On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd season.”
“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, “STOP! STOP!”
“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”
“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”

Programmer Lines for When their Programs Fail

20) "That's weird..."
19) "It's never done that before."
18) "It worked yesterday."
17) "How is that possible?"
16) "It must be a hardware problem."
15) "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14) "There is something funky in your data."
13) "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12) "You must have the wrong version."
11) "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10) "I can't test everything!"
9) "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8) "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7) "Somebody must have changed my code."
6) "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5) "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4) "You can't use that version on your system."
3) "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2) "Where were you when the program blew up?"
1) "It works on my machine."

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.

Some Character

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Tech Glossary

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

The Three Horses of the Apocalypse

The world is going to end in three days, so God calls the three most important leaders on the planet to help him break the news to the masses: Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Jean Creitian.

Bill Clinton goes back to America and tells Congress and the Senate that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is the world is going to end in three days, the good news is that they can finally stop all those investigations of him.
Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and tells Microsoft that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is that the world will end in three days. The good news is that there won't be a follow up to Windows 98.
Jean Creitian goes back to Canada and says he has good news, really good news and amazingly good news: "The good news god thinks I am a world leader, the really good news is that all those problems with the budget won't exist in three days and the amazingly good news is that I won't have to put up with that annoying little twit Preston Manning any more."

Windows 666

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.

So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."

SOMETHING FOR MONDAY

Our Four Sons

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

People in Grass Houses

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'

People in Grass Houses

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'

Ponderous Notions

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Prisoner of War

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.

Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

Spring of 1957

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. “Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” he says. “That's cool,” says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. “Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!”

Statue Fantasy

An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea.

He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, ''Go off and experience with each other whatever you've wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.''
Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him.
The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ''For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!''
With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ''The old man's right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!''

Takeout Small Talk

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.

While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."

Tech Glossary

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Telemarketer Repellant

1.     If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

2.     Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

3.     If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

4.     If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

5.     If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

6.     Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

7.     Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

8.     Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

9.     Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

10.                       When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.

SEASON'S GREETINGS!

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing").

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

Twas the Computer Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all throug the house

not a peripheral was stirring, not even the mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that new software soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of the Internet danced in their heads.

And Mama in her rollers, and I with a nightcap, had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

When out on the Net there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the monitor I flew like a flash, opened the menu, and threw away hard earned cash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but an Internet website and eight links far and near.

With a hardware driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must do the trick.

More rapid than eagles, the errors they came, my webserver problems no longer a pain?

Now Egghead! Now Best Buy! Now, Shop-ko and K-Mart!

On Daltons! On Waldens! On, Kohls and on Wal-Mart!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now spend your cash! Spend your cash! Spend your cash all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky but up to my hard-drive the problems they flew, with a disk full of errors and CD-Roms, too!

And then in a twinkling, I heard a wave file. with a beep and a buzz I knew I'd be waiting awhile!

As I rolled up my eyes and was turning around, a virtual St. Nicholas appeared with a bound.

Electronically dressed in fur, from head to foot, his clothes were all tarnished with virtual ashes and soot.

A bundle of software he had flung on his back, and he looked like a salesman just opening his pack.

His VGA eyes twinkled! His paintbrush dimples merry!

His pantone cheeks were like roses, his nose a cherry!

His downloaded mouth was drawn up like a bow, and his bitmap beard was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and virtual smoke encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a GUI face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was drafted in graphics, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his headsoon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and fixed all my fatal errors, then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger aside of his face, and giving a nod, to the hard-drive he raced.

He into the mist of hidden files obsessed, disappeared until next year his function keys pressed.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he blinked out of sight, Happy Christmas to all, and a web site good night!

 

Toys at Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,while Mom and I faced the evening with dread:a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,with each part numbered and every slot named,so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,all over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Dearest" said Mom, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my wife just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded-

I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

25 Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.

2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."

11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."

14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"

15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"

16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank."

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."

25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."