Our Four Sons
Four guys went
golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first
tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and
he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said,
“I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave
away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough
money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”
People in Grass Houses
The king of a small
African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old
friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would
discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a
place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it
wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the
hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the
golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'
People in Grass Houses
The king of a small
African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old
friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would
discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a
place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it
wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the
hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the
golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'
Ponderous Notions
If it's tourist
season, why can't we shoot them?
What was the best thing before
sliced bread?Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Prisoner of War
About a month ago,
a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went
to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a
refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the
priest, "that's not a sin."'"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP
10. Their company
logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.
Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous
10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
Spring of 1957
It's the spring of
1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date.
When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
“Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” he says. “That's cool,”
says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. “Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!”
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. “Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!”
Statue Fantasy
An old wizard was
walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and
the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing
each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood
there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an
idea.
He immediately opened up his bag of
tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues
realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very
pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a
couple but there was one condition. He said, ''Go off and experience with each
other whatever you've wanted to do for all these years but you must be back
within a half an hour before the spell wears off.''Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him.
The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ''For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!''
With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ''The old man's right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!''
Takeout Small Talk
A man goes to a
restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful
of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a
voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."
Tech Glossary
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any
computer you can't afford.Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Telemarketer Repellant
1. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ
Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many
people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married,
how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
2. Say "no" over and over. Be sure
to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are
trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up
for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can,
"I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
4. If they start out with, "How are you
today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems
to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog has the gout..."
5.
If the
company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat
blood? How about human blood?"
6. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the
moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot
give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering
you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me
either!" Hang up.
7. Ask them to repeat everything they say
several times.
8. Insist that the caller is really your buddy
Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
9. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that
they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
10.
When the
salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the
salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang
up.
