Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?



As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a touch of the old hand ax in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five
points.
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself
five points.
6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten
points.
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
in a chair? Take five points.
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for
every five degrees of slope.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're
normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
an apple? Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give
yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname Duke, Butch, or Animal? Three points.

Scoring
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build
bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one
will notice.
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
you away.
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider
a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
place for you in human society. Try running for public office
instead.

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test

(the S.A.P.)


ENGLISH

1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above

2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak

3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red

4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak


READING COMPREHENSION

Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots.
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.

1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media

2. The term most Western means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct

3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above


MATHEMATICS

1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5

2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
get anything he wants from Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only

3. Delbert McBumm wants to p*wn a hundred-dollar watch. The
p*wnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of
mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
the p*wnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above

/50 6/
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ 2
of the figure at the right. / 2
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only /
d. the answer is a 9 /7 10
e. go back, it's a / 8\__

6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it
will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated


QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON

In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.

a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill

Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her a*se so she screams her t*ts off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers I love you. Do you?

a) Whisper back I love you too.
b) Put your a*se on her leg and fart.
c) Say Go to sleep dog breath.


3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your d*ck on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the b*tch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bo11ocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the b*tch.
c) Say you dirty b*tch and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the c**ts.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a cr*p and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell Move it goat face, the fkin tortoise head's out of the
shell. c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) w*nk.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the c**t, then get
p*ssed.

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.

0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.

THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!

It only takes 30 seconds.

Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!! 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out to dinner. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. see below: RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age!!! It really works. This is the only year it will ever work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to anyone you think might enjoy it.

UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM

____________________University


To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________


I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be

changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:


______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in

_______________.

______5. I'll lose my scholarship.

______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used

did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every

little fact.

______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams

asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

______Males ______Jews ______Blacks

______Females ______Catholics ______Whites

______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities

______Chicanos ______People ______Students

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or

at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the

following illness:

______mono ______broken baby finger

______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy

______VD ______fatherhood

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly

how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

_____16. The lectures were:

______too detailed to pick out important points

______not explained in sufficient detail

______too boring

______all jokes and not enough material

______all of the above

_____17. This course was:

______too early, I was not awake.

______at lunchtime, I was hungry

______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my

(book, notes, paper) for this course.

_____19. Other___________________________________________________

Real Life vs. Movies

Life's really not like the movies.

 

Movies: The hero calmly walks away without flinching as the building explodes behind him.    
Real life: You totally crap yourself when a car backfires behind you. 

Movies: The hero takes a bullet to the shoulder, winces, pours whiskey on the wound and cuts the bullet out with his knife.
Real life: You get a paper cut, cry like a schoolgirl, and demand worker's comp. 

Movies: Spectacular super slo-mo action.
Real life: What the hell just happened? 

Movies: The plumber is young, handsome, tan, and snakes your pipes in return for "snaking your pipes."
Real life: The plumber looks like Ernest Borgnine after an all-night bender and charges $150 to walk in the door.

Movies: The tough cowboy bursts through the swinging doors of the Main Street Saloon and serves up some justice to the bad guy who's been running roughshod over the townspeople by brute force.
Real life: The waiter bursts through the swinging doors of the Wall Street kitchen and serves up some caviar crepes with truffle pesto sauce to bad guy who's been running roughshod over the townspeople by loot force. 

Movies: You finally find the inner fortitude to uppercut the school bully, sending him into a punchbowl and/or cake.
Real life: Years later, you find yourself serving the same bully punch and/or cake. 

Movies: When you deliver a pizza, you're greeted at the door by shapely horny women who invite you in for the ultimate sexual fantasy.
Real life: When you deliver a pizza, you're greeted at the door by a fantasy baseball league.  

Movies: Hottie behind the register at Victoria's Secret flashes a little cleavage, and beckons him to the back room.
Real life: Scotty behind the register at Costco flashes a little man-boob, and asks if he can bum a smoke off you out back.  

Movies: The hero always slides the back of two fingers down the pretty girl's cheek and says, "You know how the game is played, don't you sweetie?"
Real life: You try it once and HR gets involved.

Movies: Boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back.
Real life: Boy loses girl, boy loses another girl, boy tries boy, boy loses boy, too.  

Movies: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, usually drunk swashbuckling pirate who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.
Real life: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, moderately talented actor who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.  

Movies: James Bond deftly clips the correct wire and defuses the terrorist-rigged nuclear bomb, saving an entire city.
Real life: You attempt to change a fuse in your basement and inadvertently cause a city-wide blackout.  

Movies: Everyone around you at the bus stop breaks into song.
Real life: You're dangerously close to get your ass kicked because you're the only one singing, gleek.  

Movies: Shy, gawky dude with indefatigable charm and quirky foibles wins over heroine's heart, marries her, and lives happily ever after.
Real life: You're 47 and spend your time playing World of Warcraft in your parents' basement.        
Movies: The hooker has a heart of gold.
Real life: The "hooker" has a badge of gold.

Real life: Adam Sandler is probably kind of funny.  
Real life: $8 buys a year's worth of popcorn. 

Daffynitions

Send your suggestion to us!

Abdicate: To give up all hope of having a flat stomach.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Administrivia: All of the annoying little tasks associated with your job. 

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Aflockalypse: When all those birds fell out of the sky.

Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. 

Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Aromatic: An automatic crossbow.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

Baloney: Some hemlines fall here.

Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut.

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Bouyant: A male insect.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bungee Jumping: Suicide, with strings attached. 

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Carpetuation: The act of (when vacuuming) running over a piece of string at least a dozen times, bending over, picking it up, examining it and then dropping it again to let the vacuum have another chance.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins.

Coffee: The person on whom one coughs.

Control: A short, bearded prison inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Debate: What lures de fishes.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Depart: De white line down de middle of de hair. 

Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Elbonics: The art of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theatre.

Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Extravaganza: The spare vaganza you keep on hand in case you run out of vaganzas. 

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Fine: A tax for doing wrong.

Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when one dies, the soul flies up to the roof and gets stuck there.

Gargoyle: Olive flavor mouthwash.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. 

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. 

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Lasterday: Any day before today.

Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Lymph: Walk with a lisp.

Lysdexia: A peech imspediment we live to learn with.

Matricide: Killing yourself on a bed.

Mistress: Somewhere between a mister and a mattress.

Misty: Why a golfer creates a divot.

Monogamy: A bored game for adults.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Moth: Green thtuff found on the north thide of treeth.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Myth: A female moth.

Naggravator: The person in the passenger seat who is having trouble reading the map. Also, anyone who is helping to drive but not actually behind the wheel. 

Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you.

Negligent: Absent-mindedly answering the door wearing only a nightgown.

Octopus: An eight-sided cat.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.

Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddishisms.

Parachute: A double barreled shotgun.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: When you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother.

Pharmacist:: A helper on the farm.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Porcupine: A craving for bacon.

Posse: A Wild West cat.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Safecracker: A cracker without caviar on it.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stalemate: An old spouse.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

Subdued: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Testicle: A funny question on an examination.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Ukraine: A female sheep lifting device.

Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.

Will: A dead giveaway.

Willy-nilly: Impotent.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Cute Jokes

A plethora of cute and short jokes for you.

My girlfriend has just left me saying I spend too much time devoted to my studies of Roman Numerals. I’m L I V I D.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

It's Christmas morning and as the little boy comes down the stairway, he sees his Dad in his nightshirt arranging presents under the tree. "Hi Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"

If you have diarrhea, never trust a fart.

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service.

 What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars.

A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer. The farmer says, "How many?" The dog says, "40." The farmer is surprised and says, "How can there be 40 - I only bought 38!" The dog says, "I rounded them up."

Caffeine is proof that God loves us and wants us to pay attention.

The Lenscrafter technician got his tie caught in the machine and he made a spectacle of himself.

If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep?

I've got some Carefree gum, but it hasn't kicked in yet. I'm worried.

If you're killed by a wild pig, does that mean you were boared to death?

Walking can add minutes to your life. That enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in the nursing home at $7,000 per month. 

Marriage isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I've run a marathon, and I was happy when it was over!

Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, "I love Chinese food!". Quasimodo's mother says, "No, I'm going to use this to iron your shirts!" 

It's always I before E. Isn't that weird?

I ordered a honeymoon salad. It's lettuce, alone.

Mexican firefighters are always paired up - Jose and Hose B.

Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison.

If you want more time, wear more watches.

If you give someone a piece of your mind, are you left with peace of mind?

A sign in a store read "Only sightseeing dogs allowed". I wonder if you put a Hawaiian shirt and a camera on your dog, if he could get in.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door. 

A man was arrested for dressing up like a woman. He was charged with male fraud. 

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

People from New York are called New Yorkers. Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers? 

If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done. 

When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport.

A man got a blood transfusion, but the hospital ran out of blood - so substituted borscht. Now his heart never skips a beet. 

What did Ernie say when his best friend asked him if he wanted some ice cream? "Sure, Bert!"

I like bananas, but they lose their appeal quickly.

Russians 'never, ever had sex in space': official

Russian or Soviet cosmonauts never had sex in space in the 50 years of human exploration of the cosmos. And that's official, according to a Russian expert. As for Americans, well, you'd better ask them. 

"There's no official or unofficial evidence that there were instances of sexual intercourse or the carrying out of sexual experiments in space," Valery Bogomolov, deputy director of the Moscow-based Institute of Biomedical Problems told the Interfax news agency.” At least, in the history of Russian or Soviet space exploration this most certainly was not the case," said Bogomolov.Rumors have persisted for years of secret Russian and American programs to test the effects of weightlessness on sex but this has always been strongly denied by both sides.” As for American space exploration, well, I just don't have the information to categorically deny that," said Bogomolov. "There are just anecdotal rumours which are not worth trusting," he added.

  Swiss Auction Tempts Buyers with Erotic Watches


Open-minded collectors seeking an unusual conversation piece may want to snap up one of a rare assortment of erotic watches coming under the hammer in Switzerland this weekend.
 An important private collection of 33 watches from the 18th and 19th centuries featuring racy tableaux will be offered for sale Sunday at Antiquorum, a Geneva-based auction house specialising in fine timepieces.

Among the sale’s highlights is an uncommon early 19th Century 18-carat watch by Genevan craftsman Henry Capt expected to fetch $70,000 (43,516 pounds) to $90,000 and featuring two automata — one on the front of the watch depicting an idyll of doves and musicians and another hidden one showing a couple in an amorous embrace. Buyers with about $20,000 to $30,000 to spare meanwhile could be tempted by a very rare heart-shaped gilt metal watch by London watchmaker James Cox around 1780. It has two concealed paintings on enamel that include a lady secretly spying two partially clothed lovers caught in an adventurous position. The watches, mainly crafted in Switzerland, are part of a wider collection of more than 700 erotic artefacts painstakingly assembled over 25 years, including walking sticks, statues and ivory objects designed for autoerotic stimulation, Antiquorum Director Etienne Lemenager told Reuters. The collection’s septuagenarian Swiss owner, who wants to remain anonymous, plans to sell the remaining objects in a separate auction in France later this year as nobody in his family is interested in carrying on his work, Lemenager said.“He enjoyed collecting and now he is enjoying selling because he was involved with us doing the catalogue and was happy to provide comments on some of the pocket watches,” Lemenager said, adding that preparing the sale was a lot of fun.

The manufacture of watches with explicit motifs — often concealed from immediate view — began in the 17th century for the Chinese market, with the most luxurious timepieces created for the Emperor and his retinue.
In the 18th century watchmakers introduced rhythmic interest by incorporating tiny automata to the erotic scenes and watches containing libertine scenes were made for the Far East, followed by India and more recently by the Middle-East. Only a very few, highly skilled horologists crafted these items, most of which feature finely painted miniatures on enamel and varicoloured gold ornaments.