She's new to football
A guy took his
girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the
game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
He is new to baseball
Coming home from
his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to
attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So,
how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Baseball in Heaven?
Two buddies Bob
and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Quotes of Yogi Berra
Yogi Berra Quotes
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra
Digger Phelps quotes
Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom
From the NCAA Tournament:
"Basketball is a game of two halves."
"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."
"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."
"He's like all great players -- not great yet."
"You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."
From the NCAA Tournament:
"Basketball is a game of two halves."
"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."
"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."
"He's like all great players -- not great yet."
"You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."
Mixed football jokes
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire
contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with
a claret & blue carpet.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
The Cowboy excuses
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC
Championship)
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995
1. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against
anyone but the Bills.
2. Distracted by delicious smell of
barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.
3. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's
blooper reels.
4. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no
big deal."
5. Worried sick about Letterman botching
the Academy Awards.
6. Those big guys on other team kept trying
to knock us down.
7.
Who
needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
8. What a time to notice, them cheerleader
outfits is skimpy!
9. Tired of going to Disneyland.
Workout at the gym
At the Gym
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.
Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great
Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.
Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great
Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
The Tyson one-liners
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"
Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"
Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!
The NFL team names
NFL Team Lame Names
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
AFC West:
Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks
AFC Central:
Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets
New York Not Yets
NFC West:
Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners
NFC Central:
Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
NFC East:
Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
Expansion Teams:
Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
AFC West:
Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks
AFC Central:
Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets
New York Not Yets
NFC West:
Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners
NFC Central:
Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
NFC East:
Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
Expansion Teams:
Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars
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