MIXED JOKES TODAY

The Golden Toilet

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''

The Living Statues

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

The Lord Will Provide

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

The Marine Shares a Room

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"  he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't  care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained  in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

MANY JOKES TODAY

 (This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie).

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
 

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There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
 

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A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)
 

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One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The prof said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
 

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A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 

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James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."

(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke helps highlight the contrast implied.)
 

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This worked fine with my level 200a on up.

A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.

As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.

Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:

"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
 

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I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate to advanced ESL classes have agreed with me.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
 

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I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc

It is also good to review "any"

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A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.

The doctor say "Your dog is dead."

The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.

"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.

"What! $325? How's that possible?"

"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."

NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
 

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The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.

Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.

The old man said "you're velcome."
 

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Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.
 

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"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!" 

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A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.

"What do they taste like?" asked the man.

"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
 

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This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.

'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.

The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'

'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
 

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Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.

Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"

Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as limousine, trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the students as part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when they started chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate for your class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
 

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George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.

The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.

George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He opened the door and saw the bird alive!

The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.

George said, "Why the change?"

The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.

(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
 

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A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.

"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."

Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."

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A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a sandwich.When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.
 

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I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story.

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."

So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
 

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This joke never fails to get a laugh.
A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap." (Draw a box on the blackboard.)
"Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw a circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."

The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man, "Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.

One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says, "This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire wraps around his neck and kills him."

The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as before. The slow witted man leaves.

One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent officer and says, (The exact same things)
"Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's the saw blade."

The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha," says the slow witted man.
"That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the hole
and says," "Where did you put the cheese."

(When the mouse speeks you must act like the mouse. Stick your head out as if looking into the trap and swing it back and forth as if looking for the cheese.)

The implication is that the mouse will saw off his own head while looking for the cheese. Remember the saw blade?
 

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An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

(The check is in the mail.)
 

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A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

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There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?". The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."
 

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An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was very popular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost.
After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a 40 story building. "I have bad news," the man said "because we have one brick left over!" "Oh no!" the architect exclaimed, "My ten year perfection record is broken!"
Do you know what he did with the brick?
He threw it away!
 

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When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.
When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth?
---The brick!
 

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."

The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:

panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.

FEW EXAMPLES TO HELP YOU 

 HOW TO WRITE LETTERS

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON

Dearest Redneck Son,

        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. 

We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in

the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from

your home, so we moved.

        I won't be able to send you the address because the last

Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they

moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.

I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of

clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.

        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last

week; the first time for three days and the second time for four

days.

        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle

Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the

buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were

really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your

father out.

        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found

out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.

The baby looks just like your brother.

        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried

to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.

We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup

truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam 

to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned

because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much

out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

*************************************************************

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and

after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department

store and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair

of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.

(The sweetheart got the panties.)  Without checking the contents, Jim

sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing

any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger

sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears

the short ones that are easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade, but

the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three

weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and

she really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you the first time.

No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have

the chance to see you again.  When you take them off blow in them before

putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope

you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

               

                                           All My Love,

                                           Jimmy

P.S.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

      Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the

      latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

***************************************************************

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering

I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice

holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along

my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my

grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They

look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the

freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried

Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a

good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over

again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would

have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of

my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating

off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used

to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the

frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about

sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive

family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling

grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the

black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

************************************************************

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda.

PS Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

**************************************************************

A Letter from Account Receivables

DATE

COMPANY

ADDRESS

CITY, STATE, ZIP

Attention:  _____________________

Dear    ____________________,

Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations!  We are

still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month

ago.  I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was

due over a year ago.  Get real.  If they haven't paid you yet they are

probably not going to.  That is not our problem.

Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check.  We are

not willing to wait any longer for our money.  If I had my way, we wouldn't

sell you any product at all.  You are not a good risk.  We put you on open

account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and

now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that

it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.  And I love how you got your

husband involved.  When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous

that the check wasn't any good.  He had me going!

The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you.  She is really good at

collecting.  Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!

One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any

purchases you make with us from now on.  We will let the credit card

company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them.

Again, not our problem.

Yours truly,

Accounts Receivables

*********************************************************

THANK YOU

Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!

It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out

from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the

arse out of 40-gallon drum.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected

with a disease.

I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using

deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have

to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might

drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask

me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with

calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are

nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that

are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their

wares.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would

get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody

- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a

nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not

to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of

the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I

participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and

neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am

positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to

follow and I got a curse.

*****************************************************************

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes

For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,

non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere

summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the

religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,

with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of

others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions

at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,

but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures

whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and

without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,

religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and

operating system of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

1.   The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

2.   It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.

3.   It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the

     wishes for her/himself or others.

4.   It is void where prohibited by law, and

5.   It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application

of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a

subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is

limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the

sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer:

The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season.

Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this

particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the

use of the color blue.

*******************************************************************

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

*******************************************************************

Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your

advice. 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. 

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. 

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I

ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't

know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but  I

usually fall asleep. 

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with  my wife. 

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she

went out again and I decided to finally check on her. 

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I  could get a

good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with

'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which  was

open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I  noticed a

hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop

where I bought it?

****************************************************************

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She also

enjoys writing to relatives.   

Dear Family, 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk

if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that

day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by

a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my

bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had

changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't

honked,  I'd never have noticed.   I found that lots of people love Jesus!

 While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and

then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go!

Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for

Jesus!    Everyone started honking!   

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those

loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach. 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck

up in the air.   I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what

that meant.    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or

something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the

window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out

laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they

got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to

pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light

had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and

drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before

the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after

all the love we had shared.   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the

window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I

drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

Granny Mabel