Real Life vs. Movies

Life's really not like the movies.

 

Movies: The hero calmly walks away without flinching as the building explodes behind him.    
Real life: You totally crap yourself when a car backfires behind you. 

Movies: The hero takes a bullet to the shoulder, winces, pours whiskey on the wound and cuts the bullet out with his knife.
Real life: You get a paper cut, cry like a schoolgirl, and demand worker's comp. 

Movies: Spectacular super slo-mo action.
Real life: What the hell just happened? 

Movies: The plumber is young, handsome, tan, and snakes your pipes in return for "snaking your pipes."
Real life: The plumber looks like Ernest Borgnine after an all-night bender and charges $150 to walk in the door.

Movies: The tough cowboy bursts through the swinging doors of the Main Street Saloon and serves up some justice to the bad guy who's been running roughshod over the townspeople by brute force.
Real life: The waiter bursts through the swinging doors of the Wall Street kitchen and serves up some caviar crepes with truffle pesto sauce to bad guy who's been running roughshod over the townspeople by loot force. 

Movies: You finally find the inner fortitude to uppercut the school bully, sending him into a punchbowl and/or cake.
Real life: Years later, you find yourself serving the same bully punch and/or cake. 

Movies: When you deliver a pizza, you're greeted at the door by shapely horny women who invite you in for the ultimate sexual fantasy.
Real life: When you deliver a pizza, you're greeted at the door by a fantasy baseball league.  

Movies: Hottie behind the register at Victoria's Secret flashes a little cleavage, and beckons him to the back room.
Real life: Scotty behind the register at Costco flashes a little man-boob, and asks if he can bum a smoke off you out back.  

Movies: The hero always slides the back of two fingers down the pretty girl's cheek and says, "You know how the game is played, don't you sweetie?"
Real life: You try it once and HR gets involved.

Movies: Boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back.
Real life: Boy loses girl, boy loses another girl, boy tries boy, boy loses boy, too.  

Movies: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, usually drunk swashbuckling pirate who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.
Real life: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, moderately talented actor who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.  

Movies: James Bond deftly clips the correct wire and defuses the terrorist-rigged nuclear bomb, saving an entire city.
Real life: You attempt to change a fuse in your basement and inadvertently cause a city-wide blackout.  

Movies: Everyone around you at the bus stop breaks into song.
Real life: You're dangerously close to get your ass kicked because you're the only one singing, gleek.  

Movies: Shy, gawky dude with indefatigable charm and quirky foibles wins over heroine's heart, marries her, and lives happily ever after.
Real life: You're 47 and spend your time playing World of Warcraft in your parents' basement.        
Movies: The hooker has a heart of gold.
Real life: The "hooker" has a badge of gold.

Real life: Adam Sandler is probably kind of funny.  
Real life: $8 buys a year's worth of popcorn. 

Daffynitions

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Abdicate: To give up all hope of having a flat stomach.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Administrivia: All of the annoying little tasks associated with your job. 

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Aflockalypse: When all those birds fell out of the sky.

Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. 

Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Aromatic: An automatic crossbow.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

Baloney: Some hemlines fall here.

Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut.

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Bouyant: A male insect.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bungee Jumping: Suicide, with strings attached. 

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Carpetuation: The act of (when vacuuming) running over a piece of string at least a dozen times, bending over, picking it up, examining it and then dropping it again to let the vacuum have another chance.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins.

Coffee: The person on whom one coughs.

Control: A short, bearded prison inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Debate: What lures de fishes.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Depart: De white line down de middle of de hair. 

Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Elbonics: The art of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theatre.

Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Extravaganza: The spare vaganza you keep on hand in case you run out of vaganzas. 

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Fine: A tax for doing wrong.

Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when one dies, the soul flies up to the roof and gets stuck there.

Gargoyle: Olive flavor mouthwash.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. 

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. 

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Lasterday: Any day before today.

Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Lymph: Walk with a lisp.

Lysdexia: A peech imspediment we live to learn with.

Matricide: Killing yourself on a bed.

Mistress: Somewhere between a mister and a mattress.

Misty: Why a golfer creates a divot.

Monogamy: A bored game for adults.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Moth: Green thtuff found on the north thide of treeth.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Myth: A female moth.

Naggravator: The person in the passenger seat who is having trouble reading the map. Also, anyone who is helping to drive but not actually behind the wheel. 

Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you.

Negligent: Absent-mindedly answering the door wearing only a nightgown.

Octopus: An eight-sided cat.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.

Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddishisms.

Parachute: A double barreled shotgun.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: When you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother.

Pharmacist:: A helper on the farm.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Porcupine: A craving for bacon.

Posse: A Wild West cat.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Safecracker: A cracker without caviar on it.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stalemate: An old spouse.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

Subdued: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Testicle: A funny question on an examination.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Ukraine: A female sheep lifting device.

Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.

Will: A dead giveaway.

Willy-nilly: Impotent.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Cute Jokes

A plethora of cute and short jokes for you.

My girlfriend has just left me saying I spend too much time devoted to my studies of Roman Numerals. I’m L I V I D.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

It's Christmas morning and as the little boy comes down the stairway, he sees his Dad in his nightshirt arranging presents under the tree. "Hi Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"

If you have diarrhea, never trust a fart.

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service.

 What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars.

A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer. The farmer says, "How many?" The dog says, "40." The farmer is surprised and says, "How can there be 40 - I only bought 38!" The dog says, "I rounded them up."

Caffeine is proof that God loves us and wants us to pay attention.

The Lenscrafter technician got his tie caught in the machine and he made a spectacle of himself.

If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep?

I've got some Carefree gum, but it hasn't kicked in yet. I'm worried.

If you're killed by a wild pig, does that mean you were boared to death?

Walking can add minutes to your life. That enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in the nursing home at $7,000 per month. 

Marriage isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I've run a marathon, and I was happy when it was over!

Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, "I love Chinese food!". Quasimodo's mother says, "No, I'm going to use this to iron your shirts!" 

It's always I before E. Isn't that weird?

I ordered a honeymoon salad. It's lettuce, alone.

Mexican firefighters are always paired up - Jose and Hose B.

Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison.

If you want more time, wear more watches.

If you give someone a piece of your mind, are you left with peace of mind?

A sign in a store read "Only sightseeing dogs allowed". I wonder if you put a Hawaiian shirt and a camera on your dog, if he could get in.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door. 

A man was arrested for dressing up like a woman. He was charged with male fraud. 

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

People from New York are called New Yorkers. Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers? 

If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done. 

When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport.

A man got a blood transfusion, but the hospital ran out of blood - so substituted borscht. Now his heart never skips a beet. 

What did Ernie say when his best friend asked him if he wanted some ice cream? "Sure, Bert!"

I like bananas, but they lose their appeal quickly.