Bits & Pieces

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I saw something fly past wearing rosary beads earlier. "That must be a bird of pray", I thought.

My wife called me the other day. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

I''ve just bought a forklift at an auction. It's amazing what you can pick up nowadays.

My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!" I said, "I am if you think about it."

How do you confuse a moron? Seven.

I was saying to a stranger in the bar last night, "My grandfather will be 104 tomorrow." "Wow, that's amazing. What's his secret?" "He was born a long time ago."

Although I'm a lover of Bruce Willis's acting, I wouldn't say I was a die hard fan.

Rick Astley gave a lot of stuff up for Lent, but not you.

I used to get strange looks for trying to use my phone on the bus. But then again, it was 1972.

Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicking over who's going to be next.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

I've recently joined PAULA. People Against the Use of Incorrect Acronyms.

I went to Home Depot to look at a power washer. But I can't deal with these high-pressure salesmen.

Some stores call them "self checkouts". Some people call them "I'm not paying for some of this."

I proposed my idea of a new efficient internet web browser to the bosses at Apple today. It went rather well I thought, raised a few iBrowse.

Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

She's not a bad looking woman. She just looks like one.

My new girlfriend is an architect. Boy, does she know how to make an entrance!

Prisoners with a stutter should be forced to do slightly longer sentences.

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector. I had to turn it down.

Ironically all the hemorrhoid books at the local library are stacked in piles.

If you ate yourself, would you be twice as big or disappear completely?

I don't get creationists. They can't grasp the concept of an ape like creature evolving into a man, yet they have no problem with a rib turning into a woman.

Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.

I bought some baby potatoes earlier. He just looked at them and dribbled.

I wanted to be the best sniper in the world, but failed. I think I set my sights too high.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. When a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. When she's menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye.

I caused an uproar earlier when I put a lion in a hot air balloon.

There are two types of people in this world, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

I hate condescending people. But I wouldn't expect you to understand.

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to buy the lottery tickets, than actually winning. That's why I always send my wife to buy the tickets.

A woman asks her computer programmer husband to go shopping. "Could you go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get six". The husband returns with six loaves of bread. The wife, flabbergasted, asks, "Why the hell did you buy six loaves of bread?" The husband replies "Because they had eggs!"

30% of all internet traffic is porn, according to the New England Journal of Underestimating Things.

That's the last time I buy a homing pigeon. The darn thing refuses to leave the house.

Laser eye surgery, what a waste of money. Two weeks and not a single laser fired from either of my eyes.

I thought I saw a guy wearing camouflage. I didn't.

I'm convinced the new girl I'm seeing is a transvestite. I can feel it.

My friend asked me last night if I liked hanging from the ceiling, spinning round. I replied, "I'm not a fan."

Life's too short to be telling people how short life is.

I went to the doctor today and he asked if I'd be comfortable if he examined me in the nude. I said, "I'd rather you didn't" and looked at him with disgust. As he started to button his trousers back up.

Keep an eye out for the Fukishima based tennis player at Wimbledon this year. His forehands are amazing.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Burger King. I said,"Have it your way."

I was just reminiscing with my friends about when we all went to the clock museum. Good times!

Just came in first place from a field of 17 million in an Exaggeration Contest!

I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?" "Sticks?" I presume.

My horse was neck and neck with the winner for a while at the Derby yesterday. Then the race started.

When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the acceptable mourning period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?

I like my women to be like my garden hose. Cheap and kinky.

I took my granddaughter for a ride on the carousel today. The staff at the airport weren't very happy about it.

I'm not arrogant, I'm too good to be arrogant.

I shouldn't question everything... should I?

Condoms should be used in all conceivable occasions.

Those different colored contact lenses look ridiculous, in my eyes.

The inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. Have they tried turning his batteries round and smacking him against the coffee table?

I was talking to a navy seal earlier. I couldn't understand why it was that color.

I bought my obsessive/compulsive wife a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. She's going nuts trying to hang it straight.

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife's leaving me because because because because becaaaauuuuuse she thinks I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

Bulimia: Twice the taste, with none of the calories.

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

I asked a girl out on a date the other day but she said she'd rather stay in and play her flute to a snake. Charming.

Don't order Siamese cats on the internet. They just send you one cat, and it doesn't even have two heads.

Jesus drove a Honda. He just didn't like to talk about it. Proof: John 12:49 'For I did not speak of my own Accord'.

Apparently blind people think we discriminate against them for reading in braille. I'm sorry they feel that way.

I'm more confused than a circular pizza in a square box, cut into triangular slices.

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.

A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Broken glass tastes just like blood.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Every 40 seconds, someone commits suicide. Say what you will about those depressed types, but they sure are punctual.

I swear I have Tourette's.

If Steve Jobs hadn't died, he would still be alive today.

I've just got off the phone with the wife. She had a lovely talk.

Beginners guides? Don't get me started on those.

I've signed up as a conductor for 3 different orchestras. I've got more musicians than you could shake a stick at.

Wearing sandals with socks is similar to wearing a condom. You have almost no chance of getting a girl pregnant.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

When chemists die, they barium.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

At night I always put a sparkler on top of my grandma's mobility scooter then in the mornings, just before she sets off shopping, I light it when she's not looking. She looks like she has stolen a dodgem car when she's driving through Walmart.

They say a dog is a man's best friend. But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a dump on my carpet.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

If you can only go left or right, and you know that left isn't right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it's the only way left.

My mother-in-law gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday today. I couldn't find the words to thank her.

Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

Just heard some early news from the Olympics. It seems that, following a record-breaking practice session, the North Korean Pole Vault Champion has just become the South Korean Pole Vault Champion.

Everything Has A Gender

Did you know?

 

Apples are Female - the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for them as they're afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Wine is Male - it begins as a grape, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of it until it turns into something acceptable to have dinner with. 

Ziploc Bags are Male - they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female - once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male - it goes bald and it is often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male - to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it (of course, there's the hot air part, too).

Sponges are Female - they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female - it is always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male - it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female - over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male - it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A Water Faucet is Female - it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments.

A Safety Pin is Male - it is often useful in an emergency.

A Foreign Movie is Female - it is not always completely understood.

A Computer is Female - even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory.

Road Trip!

Women vs. Men

 

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

Opens window, asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

Arrives at destination presently.


HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right, then drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.

Pulls up to a 7-11.

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer, curses the night and curses you.

Curses the large slurpee.

Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister, ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary, couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all.

But she is laughing inside.

Of course, you're still lost.