Dismissals - Occupational Puns

 

When people lose their jobs they may be dismissed, sacked, fired or kicked out; they may be out on their ear or on their neck; they may be shown the door; or they may be given their cards, their marching orders, the push, the elbow, the old heave-ho or the order of the boot.
Some professions, however, have their own individual terminology for this situation: a clergyman may be defrocked, a lawyer disbarred, an army officer cashiered.
Why should not people in other walks of life also have their own terms for dismissal? Thus:

An office-worker could be defiled.
A salesman could be disordered.
A writer could be described.
A journalist could be depressed.
A botanist could be deflowered.
A wine merchant could be deported.
A traffic warden could be defined.
A cashier could be distilled.
A poet could be diversified.
A celebrity could be defamed.
A cricketer could be detested.
A climber could be dismounted.
A jailer could be excelled.
A policeman could be unwarranted.
A judge could be dishonored.
A bishop could be disgraced.
A model could be deposed.
A neurologist could be unnerved.
An engine-driver could be distrained.
A gambler could be discarded.
A conjuror could be disillusioned.
A prostitute could be delayed.
A Moonie could be dissected.
A Chinese waiter could be disoriented.
A solicitor could be distorted.
A rabble-rouser could be demobbed.
A mathematician could be nonplussed.
A diplomat could be disconsolate.

And here are some more proposed by Rog (thanks, Rog) :

An investment banker could be distrusted.
A lawyer could be displeased.
A steel worker could be distempered.
An immunologist could be disinfected.
A tax collector could be distributed.
A chef could be distasteful.
A convict could be discriminated.
A barker could be disclaimed.
A fisherman could be despondent.
A cowboy could be deranged.
A skirtmaker could be depleted.
A bully could be demeaned.

For those in some professions a choice of exits would be available:

A statistician could be discounted or disfigured.
A butcher could be disjointed or delivered.
An actor could be displayed or departed.
A horseman could be derided or unbridled.
A sorcerer could be dispelled or disenchanted.
A tennis player could be unloved or defaulted.
A banker could be discredited or disinterested.
A hairdresser could be distressed or unlocked.
A politician could be devoted, denominated or disappointed.
An electrician could be delighted or discharged or unearthed.
A musician could be denoted, disbarred, disbanded, decomposed, or disconcerted.

The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary, by the misanthropic American journalist Ambrose Bierce, was first published in 1911, based on newspaper columns he had written between 1881 and 1906.

Originally entitled, The Cynic's Word Book, this notorious work was addressed to "enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humour and clean English to slang".

Some examples of Bierce's jaundiced definitions:
 

Acquaintance

A person whom we know well enough to borrow from , but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

Admiration

Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Backbite

To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

Belladonna

In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

Benevolence

Subscribing five dollars towards the relief of one's aged grandfather in the almshouse, and publishing it in the newspaper.

Bore

A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Evangelist

A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbours.

History

An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Monday

In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

Opportunity

A favourable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

Pessimism

A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.

Ponderous

British jokes.

Positive

Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Zeal

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

Fearsome Phobias

What Are You Afraid Of?

If you have an irrational fear of...	You're suffering from...
Accidents	Dystychophobia
Air (and drafts)	Aerophobia, airphobia, pneumatophobia
Airplanes	Aeronausiphobia
Amnesia	Amnesiphobia
Animals	Zoophobia
Animals, wild	Agrizoophobia
Ants	Myrmecophobia
Atomic energy (or nuclear weapons)	Nucleomitophobia
Automobiles	Motorphobia, ochophobia
Automobiles (riding in)	Amaxophobia
Bad men	Scelerophobia
Bald, becoming	Peladophobia, phalacrophobia
Bathing	Ablutophobia
Beards	Pogonophobia
Bed, going to	Clinophobia
Bees	Apiphobia, apiophobia, melissophobia
Birds	Ornithophobia
Blood	Hematophobia, hemaphobia, hemophobia
Blushing	Erythophobia, ereuthophobia
Books	Bibliophobia
Bound, being	Merinthophobia
Body odor	Bromidrosiphobia
Bridges, crossing	Gephyrophobia, gephydrophobia
Bulls	Taurophobia
Buried alive, bing	Taphephobia, taphophobia
Cancer	Carcinophobia, carcinomatophobia, cancerphobia, cancerophobia
Cats	Ailorphobia, aelurophobia, elurophobia, gatophobia, galeophobia, felinophobia
Celts	Celtophobia
Cemeteries	Coimetrophobia
Changes	Tropophobia
Chickens	Alektorophobia
Childbirth	Maieusiophobia, tocophobia
Children	Pediophobia
China (or the Chinese)	Sinophobia
Chins	Geniophobia
Choking (or smothering)	Pnigophobia, pnigerophobia
Church	Ecclesiophobia
Clergymen	Hierophobia
Closed spaces	Claustrophobia, cleisiophobia, cleithrophobia, clithrophobia
Clothing	Vestiophobia
Clouds	Nephophobia
Cold	Cheimaphobia, cheimatophobia, psychrophobia, frigophobia
Colors	Chromophobia, chromatophobia
Comets	Cometophobia
Constipation	Coprostasophobia
Contamination	Misophobia, mysophobia, molysmophobia, molysomophobia
Corpses	Necrophobia
Crowds	Ochlophobia, demophobia, enochlophobia
Crucifixes	Staurophobia
Cyclones	Anemophobia
Dampness	Hygrophobia
Dancing	Chorophobia
Darkness	Achluophobia, scotophobia, lygophobia, myctophobia
Dawn	Eosophobia
Death	Thanatophobia
Decaying matter	Septophobia
Decisions, making	Decidophobia
Defecation (painful)	Defecalgesiophobia
Deformity	Dysmorphophobia
Demons, spirits, goblins, etc.	Demonophobia, daemonophobia, bogyphobia
Depth	Bathophobia
Dining (or dinner conversation)	Deipnophobia
Dirty, being	Automysophobia
Disease	Nosophobia, pathophobia, panthophobia, nephophobia
Disorder	Ataxiophobia, ataxophobia
Dizziness	Dinophobia
Doctors	Iatrophobia
Dogs (or rabies)	Cynophobia, kynophobia
Dolls (or infants)	Pedophobia, paedophobia
Double vision	Diplopiaphobia
Drink (alcoholic)	Potophobia, dipsophobia, alcoholophobia, dipsomanophobia
Drugs (medicinal)	Pharmacophobia
Dryness (and dry places)	Xerophobia
Dust	Amathophobia, koniophobia
Eating	Phagophobia
Electricity	Electrophobia
England (or the English)	Anglophobia
Everything	Pantophobia, panophobia, panphobia, pamphobia
Excrement	Coprophobia, scatophobia
Eyes	Ommatophobia, ommetaphobia
Eyes, opening one's	Optophobia
Failure	Kakorrhaphiophobia, kakorraphiaphobia, atychiphobia
Fatigue	Ponophobia, kopophobia
Fearing	Phobophobia
Feathers	Pteronophobia
Fever	Febriphobia, pyrexeophobia, pyrexiophobia
Filth	Rhypophobia, rypophobia, rupophobia
Fire	Pyrophobia, arsonophobia
Fish	Ichthyophobia
Flashes	Selaphobia
Flogging	Mastigophobia
Floods	Antlophobia
Flowers	Anthophobia
Flutes	Aulophobia, autophobia
Flying	Aviatophobia
Fog	Homichlophobia, nebulaphobia
Food	Sitophobia, sitiophobia, cibophobia
Foreigners (or strangers)	Xenophobia
Forests (or wood)	Hylephobia, hylophobia, ylophobia, xylophobia
France (or the French)	Francophobia, Gallophobia
Freedom	Eleutherophobia
Frogs (and toads)	Batrachophobia
Fur	Doraphobia
Gaiety	Cherophobia
Garlic	Alliumphobia
Genitals, female	Kolpophobia, eurotophobia
Genitals, male	Phallophobia
Germany (or Germans)	Germanophobia, Teutophobia, Teutonophobia
Germs	Bacillophobia, bacteriophobia
Ghosts	Phasmophobia
Glass	Crystallophobia, hyalophobia, hyelophobia, nelophobia
Glass bottoms	Hyalinopygophobia
God	Theophobia
Gold	Aurophobia
Good news	Euphobia
Gravity	Barophobia
Greece (or the Greeks)	Grecophobia
Growing old	Gerascophobia
Hair	Trichophobia, chaetophobia
Hair disease	Trichopathophobia
Heart attack	Anginophobia
Heart disease	Cardiophobia
Heat	Thermophobia
Heaven	Uranophobia, ouranophobia
Heights	Acrophobia, altophobia, hypsophobia, hypsiphobia
Hell	Hadephobia, stygiophobia
Hereditary disease	Patroiophobia
High places, looking up at	Anablepophobia
Holy things	Hagiophobia, hierophobia
Home	Ecophobia, oecophobia, oikophobia, domatophobia
Home, returning to	Nostophobia
Homosexuals	Homophobia
Horses	Hippophobia
Hospitals	Nosocomephobia
Hurricanes	Lilapsophobia
Ice	Cryophobia
Ideas	Ideophobia
Imperfection	Atelophobia
Infants	Pedophobia, paedophobia
Infinity	Apeirophobia
Injury	Traumatophobia
Insanity	Maniaphobia, lyssophobia
Insects	Entomophobia
Insect stings	Cnidophobia
Itching	Acarophobia
Jealousy	Zelophobia
Jews	Judophobia, Jaudaeophobia, Judeophobia
Jumping (from low or high places)	Catapedaphobia
Justice	Dikephobia
Kidney disease	Albuminurophobia
Kissing	Philemaphobia, philematophobia
Knives (and other sharp instruments)	Aichmophobia
Lakes	Limnophobia
Large objects	Megalophobia
Laughter	Gelophobia
Learning	Sophophobia
Left (things to the left)	Levophobia, sinistrophobia
Lice	Pediculophobia, phthiriophobia
Light	Photophobia
Lightning	Astraphobia, astrapophobia
Love	Philophobia
Love-play	Sarmassophobia, malaxophobia
Machinery	Mechanophobia
Magic	Rhabdophobia
Many things	Polyphobia
Marriage	Gamophobia, gametophobia
Meat	Carnophobia
Men	Androphobia, arrhenophobia
Menstruation	Menophobia
Meteors (and meteorites)	Meteorophobia
Mice	Musophobia, muriphobia
Mind	Psychophobia
Mirrors	Catoptrophobia, eisoptrophobia, spectrophobia
Monotony	Homophobia
Monsters (or giving birth to a monster)	Teratophobia
Moon	Selenophobia
Mother-in-law	Pentheraphobia
Motion	Kinesophobia, kinetophobia
Music	Musicophobia, melophobia
Narrow places	Stenophobia
Neglect of a duty	Paralipophobia
Night	Noctiphobia, nyctophobia
Noise	Acoustiphobia, ligyrophobia
Northen Lights	Auroraphobia
Nuclear weapons (or atomic energy)	Nucleomitophobia
Nudity	Gymnophobia, nudophobia, nudiphobia
Numbers	Arithmophobia
Novelty	Kainophobia, cainophobia, kaintotophobia, cainotophobia
Odors	Olfactophobia, osmophobia, osphresiophobia, ophresiophobia
Open spaces	Agoraphobia, cenophobia, kenophobia
Opinions (others')	Allodoxaphobia
Opposite sex	Sexophobia
Pain	Algophobia, odynophobia
Paper	Papyrophobia
Parasites	Parasitophobia
Parents-in-law	Soceraphobia
Peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth	Arachibutyrophobia
People	Anthropophobia
Performing (stage fright)	Topophobia
Pins and needles	Belonephobia, enetophobia
Plants	Botanophobia
Pleasure	Hedonophobia
Poetry	Metrophobia
Poison	Toxiphobia, toxophobia, toxicophobia, iophobia
Politicians	Politicophobia
Pope (or the Papacy)	Papaphobia
Poverty	Peniaphobia
Precipices	Cremnophobia
Progress	Prosophobia
Propriety	Orthophobia
Prostitutes	Cyprianophobia
Punishment	Poinephobia
Purple	Porphyrophobia
Railroads	Siderodromophobia
Rain	Ombrophobia, pluviophobia
Rape	Virgivitiphobia
Red (or blushing)	Erythrophobia, ereuthrophobia
Relatives	Syngenesophobia
Religious ceremonies	Teletophobia
Reptiles	Batrachophobia
Responsibility	Hypengyophobia, hypegiaphobia
Ridicule	Catagelophobia, katagelophobia
Right (things to the right)	Dextrophobia
Rivers	Potamophobia
Rods, being beaten with	Rhabdophobia
Ruin	Atephobia
Russia (or Russians)	Russophobia
Rust	Lophobia
Scratched, being	Amychophobia
Sea	Thalassophobia
Semen	Spermatophobia, spermophobia
Sermons	Homilophobia
Sexual abuse	Agraphobia, contrectophobia
Sexual intercourse	Coitophobia, genophobia, erotophobia
Shadows	Sciophobia, sciaphobia
Sharp objects	Aichmophobia
Shellfish	Ostraconophobia
Shock	Hormephobia
Shot, being	Ballistophobia
Sin (or sinning)	Hamartophobia, harmatophobia, enissophobia, enosiophobia, peccatiphobia, peccatophobia
Sitting	Thaassophobia, kathisophobia, cathisophobia
Sleep	Hypnophobia
Slime	Blennophobia, myxophobia
Small objects	Microphobia, tapinophobia
Smothering (or choking)	Pnigophobia, pnigerophobia
Snakes	Ophidiophobia, ophiophobia, ophiciophobia, herpetophobia
Snow	Chionophobia
Society	Sociophobia
Solitude	Autophobia, eremiophobia, eremophobia, ermitophobia, monophobia, isolophobia
Sourness	Acerophobia, acerbophobia
Speed	Tachophobia
Spiders	Arachnophobia
Stairs	Climacophobia
Standing	Stasiphobia, stasophobia
Stared at, being	Scopophobia, scoptophobia, ophthalmophobia
Stars	Astrophobia, siderophobia
Staying single	Anuptaphobia
Stepfather	Vitricophobia
Stepmother	Novercaphobia
Strangers (or foreigners)	Xenophobia
Streets	Agyiophobia, agyrophobia
Streets, crossing	Dromophobia
String	Linonophobia
Stuttering	Psellismophobia
Sunlight	Heliophobia, phengophobia
Surgery	Tomophobia
Symmetry	Symmetrophobia
Talking	Glossophobia, phonophobia, laliophobia, lalophobia
Tapeworms	Taeniophobia, teniophobia
Tastes, unfamiliar	Geumophobia, geumaphobia, geumatophobia
Technology	Technophobia
Teeth	Odontophobia
Termites	Isopterophobia
Theaters	Theatrophobia
Thieves	Kleptophobia, cleptophobia, harpaxophobia
Thinking	Phronemophobia
Thirteen	Terdekaphobia, tridecaphobia, triskaidekaphobia
Thunder	Brontophobia, brontephobia, tonitrophobia, tonitruphobia
Thunder and lightning	Keraunophobia, ceraunophobia
Time	Chronophobia
Toads (and frogs)	Batrachophobia
Tombstones	Placophobia
Tornadoes	Lilapsophobia
Touched, being	Haphephobia, aphephobia, haptephobia, haptophobia, hapnophobia, thixophobia
Travel	Hodophobia
Trees	Dendrophobia
Trembling	Tremophobia
Undressing in front of someone	Dishabillophobia
Urinating	Urophobia
Vegetables	Lachanophobia
Virginity, losing one's	Primeisodophobia, esodophobia
Virgins	Parthenophobia
Void	Kenophobia
Vomiting	Emetophobia
Waits, long	Macrophobia
Walking	Basiphobia, basophobia, bathmophobia, ambulophobia
Wasps	Spheksophobia
Water	Hydrophobia, aquaphobia
Waves	Cymophobia
Weakness	Asthenophobia
Wealth	Chrematophobia, chrometophobia
Weight, gaining	Obesophobia, pocrescophobia
Whirlpools	Dinophobia
Wind	Anemophobia, anemiaphobia, ancraophobia
Wine	Oenophobia, oinophobia
Women	Gynephobia, gynophobia, feminophobia
Women, beautiful	Venustaphobia
Words	Logophobia, verbophobia
Work	Ergasiophobia, ergophobia
Worms	Vermiphobia, scoleciphobia
Worms, being infested with	Helminthophobia
Wrinkles, getting	Rhytiphobia
Writing	Graphophobia
X-rays	Radiophobia
Young girls	Parthenophobia