Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections of Newspapers

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

• Never squat with yer spurs on.
• There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Stupid Tricks for Points

Betcha can't score more than 15 points by the end of the day!

One-Point Gags

• Ignore the first five people who say 'Good morning' to you.
• In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags

• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. (There must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Do not disguise your voice).
• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags

• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
• While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
• While an office colleague is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
• Tuck one pant leg into your sock and, when queried, answer "Not now" and walk away.
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

Useful Work Phrases

• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

You Might Be A Physics Major ...

• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• if you enjoy pain.
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you always do homework on Friday nights.
• if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• if you think in "math."
• if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• if you have a pet named after a scientist.
• if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• if you can translate English into Binary.
• if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
• if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
• if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• if you understood more than five of these indicators.
• if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

The Laws Of Golfing

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. (See Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Oxymorons

 

An Oxymoron is a figure of speech that puts together two contradictory terms. Even the word "oxymoron" is itself one, because it comes from combining the Greek words for "sharp" (oxy) and "dull" (moros). Check out the list below to find some rediculous word pairings often found in common speech.

Act naturally                                      
Advanced BASIC
Almost exactly
Alone together
American English
Authentic replica
Awfully good

Bad luck
Baked Alaska
Bittersweet
Black light
Blank expression
Business ethics
Butthead

California expressway
Cardinal sin
Christian Scientist
Civil war
Classic novel
Classically modern
Clearly confused
Cold comfort
Communist leader
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Cowardly lion
Criminal justice

Deafening silence
Death benefits
Definite maybe
Deliberate thoughtlessness
Down escalator
Dry wine
Dynamic equilibrium

Eloquent silence
European Community
Evaporated milk
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extensive briefing
Extinct life
Eyes Wide Shut

Fairly dark
Famous Belgians
Feminine logic
Forgotten memories
Found missing
Free love
Freezer burn
Fresh-frozen
Friendly fire
Front end
Fun run
Fuzzy logic

Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Government service
Great Britain
Great Depression
Guest host

Hell's Angels
Highly underestimated
Holy war
Homeless shelter
Hopelessly optimistic

Idiot savant
Ill health
Include me out
Industrial park
Instant classic
Intense apathy

Job security
Jumbo shrimp

Least favorite
Light heavyweight
Liquid gas
Little giant
Live recording
Living dead
Loosely packed
Loose tights

Make haste slowly
Managed competition
Microsoft Works
Mild abrasive
Mild enthusiasm
Military intelligence
Minor crisis
Modern history

Natural additives
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-working mother
Normal deviation
Nothing much
Numb feeling

Oddly appropriate
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
Original copy

Paid volunteer
Paperless ofice
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace offensive
Peacekeeper missile
Plastic wood
Positively cynical
Press release
Pretty ugly
Pronounced silence

Random order
Rap music
Real potential
Recorded live
Resident alien
Rock opera
Rolling stop

Safe sex
Safety hazard
Same difference
Second best
Serious fun
Short distance
Silent scream
Simply confusing
Skinny broad
Socialist market economy
Soft rock
Spendthrift
Standard deviation
Stand down
Still life
Still moving
Strangely familiar
Sure bet
Sweet sorrow

Taped live
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
True Lies
True story

Unacceptable solution
Unbiased opinion
Uncrowned king
United Nations
Unsung hero

Vaguely aware
Virtual Reality
Voluntary Compliance

War games
Wholesome
Working vacation