Stuff Men Need to Know about Women
Not a complete list, obviously.
The reason why our bras don't
always match our
underwear is because we actually change our underwear.
The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts.
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.
Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.
Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling. However, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts.
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.
Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.
Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling. However, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
Stuff Women Need to Know about Men
Not a complete list, obviously.
If you’re cooking a special
dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male
food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
Don’t hog the covers. Really.
If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
“Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
Of course he wants another beer.
The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
Dogs good. Cats bad.
He does not want to be just friends.
Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay, maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.
He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
Your butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
He heard you the first time. Honest.
You know, you can ask him out too. Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
Of course size matters, and boy does he has the grandaddy of them all.
His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
Watching football is a major turn-on for him. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
Don’t hog the covers. Really.
If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
“Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
Of course he wants another beer.
The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
Dogs good. Cats bad.
He does not want to be just friends.
Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay, maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.
He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
Your butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
He heard you the first time. Honest.
You know, you can ask him out too. Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
Of course size matters, and boy does he has the grandaddy of them all.
His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
Watching football is a major turn-on for him. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.
Female Definitions
What these words mean (from a female perspective)
Argument - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he
just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Barbecue - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe - Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer - An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity - The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List - What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hairdresser - Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store - Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe...push..."
Lipstick - On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
Park - Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara - Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Barbecue - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe - Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer - An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity - The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List - What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hairdresser - Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store - Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe...push..."
Lipstick - On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
Park - Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara - Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Male Definitions
What these words mean (from a male perspecive)
Alimony - Bounty after the
mutiny or the cash surrender value of a
husband or a system where two people make a mistake but one of
them continues to pay for it or the high cost of leaving or
the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
Beauty - The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband or feminine of intellect.
Bed - The place where marriages are decided.
Child - Love's by-product or one who stands halfway between an adult and the TV.
Criminal - Someone who gets caught.
Expert - One who has focused all his ignorance on to one subject or one who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy or a person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing.
Gentleman - One who does not tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.
Hers - His
Male - a member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as "Mere Man". The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
Neurotic - Anybody who thinks you mean it when you ask how he is.
Optimist - One who believes that good arises out of evil, and that there is no evil or a bridegroom who thinks he has no bad habits.
Respectability - The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.
Sexism - Maintaining that the sexes are equal.
Sorrow - The future tense of love.
Wealth - Any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
Beauty - The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband or feminine of intellect.
Bed - The place where marriages are decided.
Child - Love's by-product or one who stands halfway between an adult and the TV.
Criminal - Someone who gets caught.
Expert - One who has focused all his ignorance on to one subject or one who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy or a person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing.
Gentleman - One who does not tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.
Hers - His
Male - a member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as "Mere Man". The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
Neurotic - Anybody who thinks you mean it when you ask how he is.
Optimist - One who believes that good arises out of evil, and that there is no evil or a bridegroom who thinks he has no bad habits.
Respectability - The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.
Sexism - Maintaining that the sexes are equal.
Sorrow - The future tense of love.
Wealth - Any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
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