Puns

Very, very punny.

That girl said she met me at a Vegetarian restaurant, but I never met herbivore.

Two Eskimos, out to fish in their canoe got cold and decided to build a small fire in the bottom of their canoe to keep warm. Of course the boat caught fire and sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I thought about starting a conversation about nuts, but then I thought, "Screw it".

An appeals court has upheld a ban on pitbulls. That's another victory in the war on terrier.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all league records were unfortunately lost, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned. 

The sign at the rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass".

Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.

I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized - he was killing me softly with his sarong.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

A rather youthful Billy Joel was fascinated when he entered the Green Room at the Tonight Show and saw a group of matronly nuns hastily applying hair color to the noggin of the show's next guest, Neil Young, whose agent offered an explanation from the corner of the room: "Only the good dye Young."

It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.

What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few."

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?", the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."

The horse got run over by a car. It's now in stable condition. 

When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.

Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The cannibals ate the missionary and got a taste of religion.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Leif Ericsson went off on his voyage, and a year later, his wife noticed that his name wasn't on the village register anymore. She went to the village elders and said, you must have taken Leif off your census.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp fence. Police are looking into it. 

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

There was a fire at a Basque restaurant, but there was only one way out of the restaurant. Many people were injured in the stampede. The moral of this story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

The dentist tells the patient that his upper plate needs to be made of chrome because of the patient's penchant for Hollandaise sauce (which has a lot of lemon juice in it, and is corrosive to most dental appliances). Why chrome? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

A rubber band gun was taken away in algebra class as it was a weapon of math disruption.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

The store promised a free abacus with a purchase, but I wouldn't count on it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.

Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!

Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors' register, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother scolds him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A plane full of Japanese car parts has exploded in midair today. A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs.

Police arrested a man who robbed a bank while Tweeting about it. He's hoping for a short sentence.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

There once was a girl named Carmen Cohen. Her mother called her Carmen and her father called her Cohen. It got so that she didn't know whether she was Carmen or Cohen.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A woman's three sons all leave home to seek their fortunes. Many years later they write to their old mom telling her that they have a successful cattle ranch and want her to come live with them. When she arrives, they proudly show her the ranch and ask her to name it for them, as they owe all their success to her. She thinks about it and tells them to call it Prism Ranch. Curious, they ask her why. "Because," she replies, "that's where the sons raise meat."

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

Because of the tsunami in Japan, the Chinese are hoarding soy sauce. So I guess you shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 

A former Miss Russia has been arrested for both shoplifting and counterfeiting. Police say she can't get her bearings straight.

I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he's James Bond. He's certainly a shorn canary.

I once tried drawing Bill Murray on a one dollar bill but switched to drawing Jude Law. That didn’t work either so I gave up. Washington makes it too hard to turn a Bill into a Law.

There was a scare in the Middle East when famous political figure, Ali Ali was hospitalized because of a dangerously high amount of toxins in his bloodstream. After 5 hours of surgery and blood transfusions, everything is all right now because he is Ali Ali, toxin free.

Palindromes

The same backwards and forwards!

A Toyota! Race fast, safe car. A Toyota!

A Toyota's a Toyota.

A dog - a panic in a pagoda!

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

A man, a plan, a cat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal, Panama!

A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

A tin mug for a jar of gum, Nita.

Ah, Satan Sees Natasha.

Anna: "Did Otto peep?" Otto: "Did Anna?"

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Cain: a maniac!

Campus motto: bottoms up, Mac.

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

Cleveland: DNA Level C.

Dennis sinned.

Dennis and Edna sinned.

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

Dennis, no Misfit can act if Simon sinned.

Devil Natasha, ah, Satan lived!

Diana Bruno, on urban aid. (thanks to Matthew Amacher)

Did Eve salt an atlas? Eve did.

Did I do, O God, did I as I said I'd do? Good, I did.

Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?

Do geese see God?

Do nine men interpret? - Nine men? I nod.

Drat Saddam, a mad dastard!

Draw, o coward!

Draw pupil's lip upward.

Drowsy baby's word.

E. Borgnine drags Dad's gardening robe.

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.

Egad! No bondage!

Emil, a sleepy baby peels a lime.

Eros? Sidney, my end is sore.

Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?

Evil olive.

Flesh! Saw I Mimi wash self!

Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.

God saw I was dog.

God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!

Golf? No sir, prefer prison flog.

He goddam mad dog, eh?

He lived as a devil, eh?

I maim nine men in Miami.

Is it I? It is I!

I, Nora, came most egotistic - it's I - to get some macaroni.

I, man, am regal; a German am I.

If I had a hi-fi.

Is Don Adams mad? (A nod.) Si!

Kayak salad - Alaska yak.

Lager, Sir, is regal.

Laminated E.T. animal.

Late? Bill is ill, I bet, Al.

Lew, Otto has a hot towel!

Lisa Bonet ate no basil.

Lived on Decaf, faced no Devil.

Lonely Tylenol.

Ma has a ham.

Ma is a nun, as I am.

Ma is as selfless as I am.

Madam I'm Adam.

Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam.

Man, Oprah's sharp on A.M.

Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram.

Murder for a jar of red rum.

Naomi, did I moan?

Natasha? Ah, Satan!

Neil A. sees alien!

Never odd or even.

No lemons, no melon.

No misses ordered roses, Simon.

No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.

No, Mel, a sleepy baby peels a lemon.

No trace - not one carton.

Not New York, Roy went on.

Nurse! I spy gypsies! Run!

Oh, no! Don Ho!

Party booby-trap.

Plan no damn Madonna LP.

Doc note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Rats live on no evil star.

Reno loner

Revenge, Meg? Never!

Rise to vote, sir.

Sir, I'm Iris.

Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks "as is".

Sit on a potato pan, Otis!

Slap a ham on Omaha, pals!

Sniff'um muffins.

So many dynamos.

So, G. Rivera's tots are virgos.

So...Mariah Carey, a LP, a player...a chair, Amos!

Some men interpret nine memos.

Spit Q-tips!

Star comedy by Democrats.

Stella won no wallets.

Step on no pets!

To Idi Amin: I'm a idiot!

Toni Tennille fell in net. I, not!

Tons of UFOs? Not!

Tonya may not.

Too bad, I hid a boot.

Trash Tim Smith's Art!

Tulsa night life: filth, gin, a slut.

Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Was it a rat I saw?

Yawn. Madonna Fan? No damn way!

Yawn a more Roman way.

Yo, banana boy!

Yreka Bakery

Aybil was I, ere I saw Libya.