More Short Funny Jokes

 

When life gives you lemons...make grape juice, and watch while the world wonders how you did it.

I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.

Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong.

I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.

I used to work at the unemployment office, then I got fired. I had to show up the next day anyway!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

Don't look at me with that tone of voice.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I am having an out of money experience.

Smoking is a dying art.

I just bought a new toilet brush. I still prefer paper, though.

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"

I don’t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

Can you play sole music with a shoe horn?

Jesus saves. Moses invests.

Can a match box? No, but a tin can. 

Customer: Waiter! There is a fly in my soup. Waiter: That could very well be, sir, the cook used to be a tailor. 

Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.

I wasn't the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.

I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.

Money flies when you're having fun.

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? 

My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared!

Men are like roses - watch out for the pricks!

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.

Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store? 

I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It’s one of those self-help books. It’s called "How To Get Along With Everybody." I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk.

I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.

The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself. 

It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

That guy is so vain - he won’t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

In football, why does the running back run forward?

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.

A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."

God created man. Then God said, "I can do better". Then he created woman. 

The constipated composer couldn't finish his last movement.

I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months. It's probably the mittens.

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. 

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.

Obey gravity! It's the law.

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off, but he was trying to pull my leg. 

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

In football, why does the running back run forward?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? 

An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

If you were under house arrest, but lived in a mobile home - you could still go wherever you wanted.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That's a good thing, because he's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor,"You can go on in." The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, "You can go in on a trial basis." The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, "You can enter, but only for 3 days."

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it.

For God's sake, why are you hanging around with athiests? 

I met a woman named "Viamonte". I said, "You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do." 

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

Two houseflies on top of some cow manure. One fly farted, and the other fly said, "Can't you see we're eating here? Have some manners!"

It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke."

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates.

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

Do dwarves get paid under the table? 

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen?

The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it.

A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door.

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.

One cannibal says to another, "I hate my mother-in-law."

Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? 

The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.

There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It's the Picabo ICU.

If you wear a "Guess" shirt, is the answer on the back of the shirt? 

A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!"

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.

Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, "This is the longest stairway I've ever seen!" The other guy says, "Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back."

I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"

There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!

All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.

What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.

What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?"

A homeless guy came up to me, "I haven't eaten all day". I said, "Good, then you won't get cramps if you go swimming."

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?"

There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.

Power Failure: Something that could make IBM a house of ill compute.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It's a good thing I didn't catch more, I couldn't afford them.

A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."

A nun says to Mother Superior, "There's a case of syphilis in the convent!" Mother Superior says, "That's great, I was getting tired of the Chablis."

I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!"

A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man, "Paint my porch out back, and I'll give you $100". Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, "I'm all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes."

There is a sale in the men's department. All pants are half off.

What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the most violent book I have ever read!"

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I swallowed a pool ball!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to get back to the end of the queue."

Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots.

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They're all Targets.

A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."

The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner." Vet: "That's OK, he's a boxer."

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."  Woman: "I'll miss you."

One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry.

At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

"Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted. 

If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

All computers wait at the same speed.

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it.

It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air Supply.

Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, "No, God will help me." Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, "No, God will help me." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "What about the firemen and police I sent?"

A drummer walks into a music store and says, "I'll buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "You must be a drummer. That's the radiator."

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!