Descriptions of people you may know!

Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.

Quotes - Please Engage Brain Before Speaking

• "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- singer Mariah Carey.
• Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
• "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.
• "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
• "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
• "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
• "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".
• "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
• "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
• "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
• "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician

 

13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.
10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
6. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
3. Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.
2. Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."
1. Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"

HOT & COLD

YOU KNOW IT'S HOT WHEN...

* You keep spare bottles of freon in your car.

* You buy sun block by the case.

* You start bonding with your air conditioner.

* Your electric bill is higher than your house payments.

* You start putting ice cubes in your water bed.

* You start buying stock in Gatorade.

* You keep your refrigerator open just to feel the cool air.

* You keep humming the song heat wave to your self.

* You cancel your Hotmail account because you didn't like the name of it.

* You get a life long pass to White Water.

* Your dream house is any house in Alaska.

* Your not even sure how hot it is because your heat thermometer only goes up to 120.


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I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first---it wet the bed.


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YOU KNOW IT'S COLD (In New York) WHEN...

* People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants.

* Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag.

* Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River.

* Times Square strip clubs advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!"

* Mario Cuomo making a fortune shoveling walks.

* Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs.  

This morning, Triple-A had to jumpstart Andrew Giuliani.

• 
  * People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater just to get warm.
  
  *Instead of the finger, New Yorkers giving each other the mitten.
  
  * Cabbies wearing flannel turbans.
  
  
  
  COLD WEATHER
  Degrees (Fahrenheit)/Activity
  
  

60
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50
Miami residents turn on the heat

45
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40
You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming

35
Italian cars don't start

32
Water freezes

30
You plan your vacation to Australia

25
Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15
French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10You need jumper cables to get the car going

5
American cars don't start

0
Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10
German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20
Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start

-25
Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30
You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start

-40
Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50
Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80
Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Puns for Friends

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was arrested for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.   Fruit flies like a banana.

11.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I'll go on a head.”

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, “I've lost my electron.”  The other says, “Are you sure?”   The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive.”

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.