Funny One Liners
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
He who hesitates is boss.
As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never.
Professors Fun
50 fun things for professors to do on the
first day of class...
1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending
"Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last
day to drop.
3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and
scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question
directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you,
you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."
7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your
piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"
8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a
stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk,
tsk."
9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your
butt looks fat.
11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle
throughout it.
13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex
Machine."
16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would
know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the
next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.
19.Address students as "worm."
20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.
22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as
you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank,
and serial number.
24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that
the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question,
have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several
minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed
normally.
27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone
asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your
hands.
28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."
30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask
students to "sit back and groove."
31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.
32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays.
Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question,
walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."
35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number
system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the
number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.
39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks"
every ten minutes.
41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk."
42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in
rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture
to oral hygiene.
44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for
next class.
45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in you grade book.
46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.
48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their
distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I
picked up in the field."
50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"
Marriage Is...
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"
Funny Jokes about and by men, husband
Few men know how
to dress well, and the rest like women.
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If a man speaks his mind in a forest, but no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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If a man speaks his mind in a forest, but no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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Doc to a patient:
- How did this happened?
- My wife kicked me out...
- But it's not worth it to jump out of 2nd floor.
- Doc, you didn't understand me. She kicked me out, literally.
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Doctor:
- Madam, please prepare your husband for the worst!
Wife:
- Oh God, will he die?
Doctor:
- No. He will not be allowed to drink any beer!
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Two friends chating. John tells his friend:
- You know, once I return home from work and I find my wife sitting on a chair dressed in transparent underwear. And she tells me: "tie me and do whatever you want". So I tied her and went fishing.
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I have found the resume of my husband from the kindergarden. Quote: the kid is very social, eats, sleeps and plays a lot. 30 years have passed since then - nothing has changed.
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The most helpful tool in housekeeping is the guilty husband.
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A man drank - forgot everything, a woman drank - reminded everything.
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My EX had one very annoying habbit - breathing.
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Man returns from
hunting, and says:
- Honey, we won't buy meat for the whole month.
- You shot an elk?
- No, I drank away all money.
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A tourist at the trip to Loh-Ness Lake, asks a guide:
- Tell me, when the monster of Lohneso appears to people?
- Usually, after five, six mugs sir...
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Peter returns home totaly drunk from vodka. Obviously his wife gets angry at him
and says:
- Well, Peter, Peter, how much did you drink...
Peter: - I'm sorry, I could't any more...
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- Honey, we won't buy meat for the whole month.
- You shot an elk?
- No, I drank away all money.
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A tourist at the trip to Loh-Ness Lake, asks a guide:
- Tell me, when the monster of Lohneso appears to people?
- Usually, after five, six mugs sir...
________________________________________________________________
Peter returns home totaly drunk from vodka. Obviously his wife gets angry at him
and says:
- Well, Peter, Peter, how much did you drink...
Peter: - I'm sorry, I could't any more...
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Three men die and come to the gate. St. Peter says:
-From now on all men will travel to paradise, and let them in. St. Peter comes to the first and asks how many times he was unfaithful? First men estimates about 20 times. St. Peter says: - Here is you an old car to ride in the paradise.
Asks the second:
-How many times you were unfaithful? Second response: -10 times.
St.Peter gives him the Mersedes to ride in the paradise. Comes to the third one and
asks: -Well and how many times you were unfaithful. Men responses: -Mr. Peter,
I loved my wife very much and I was faithful to her all my life. St. Peter does
not believe, looks seriously at his book and notice that man doesn't lie. So for
his loyalty he gives him Jaguar to ride on the sky.
After some time St. Peter mets the third man with the Jaguar, who looks all upset and unhappy. -What happened to you, you have Jaguar, why you look so upset?, ask ST. Peter. The man response: -You see, after half a year I met my wife, you know I do ride with the Jaguar, while she only with roller skating...
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An old man meets a lady in the sanatorium and tells her:
- I'm the representative of oldest profession. I Sleep for money.
- ??
- I am a guard...
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Wife says to her
husband:
- What a beautiful couple is our neighbors: he constantly hugs, kisses her, says nice words. Why don't you behave like him?
- Why don't I? I do not know her.
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- What a beautiful couple is our neighbors: he constantly hugs, kisses her, says nice words. Why don't you behave like him?
- Why don't I? I do not know her.
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My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house. So I
did - the middle one.
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Wife:
- I wish I was a newspaper - so I would be in your hands all day long.
Husband:
- I also wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day.
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A wife asks her husband:
- Did you have any girlfriends before you married me?
The husband sits silently.
His wife asks again:
- What is this silence supposed to mean?
Husband answers:
- Wait.. I’m counting...
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Man goes down the street and sees hanging leaflet on the top of the pole. Man
walks around, but could not read what is written there. Somehow he gets to the
top and reads: "Caution - Painted".
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If you were betrayed by your love, you shouldn't raise a row for your wife.
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A husband returns home at night. Opens the door and in front of him his wife is standing with the frying pan in her hands.
Husband: "You better go to sleep, Lucy, I'm not hungry!
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Can a man make love with one hundred ladies in one night? Yes, if it’s a Polar
night.
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Nowadays ladies think how to feed babies, and men – where did the mammoths go.
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Real man would always lead their wife to a train. To make sure that she left.
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Two man talking:
- Have you heard, John has married a widow?
- I would never want to be the second husband for a widow.
- Would you prefer to be the first one?
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Do you know what is the difference between a man and a Minister? A man never
knows who is substituting him.
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Husband to his wife in the morning:
- Darling, yesterday evening in one hour I have repaired the roof of our house and the car.
- Really, I thought Viagra has a different effect.
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Funny jokes about women
- I’m leaving
you... You’re constantly sneering at my overweight...
- But honey, what about our kid?
- What kid?
- So you are not you pregnant?!
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Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
Answer: a widow.
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75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.
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Strange thing about women's brain, there's nothing right in left side, and nothing left on the right side
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I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say "Will", "You" and "Me". That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.
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Don't you ever try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
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Wives can be only one of three kinds:
1. Pretty, but unloyal.
2. Loyal, but ugly.
3. Pretty and loyal, but inflatable.
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I am very talented: I can open the wardrobe, put my clothes inside and close the
doors before they start falling out.
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I'm too pretty to work!
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- But honey, what about our kid?
- What kid?
- So you are not you pregnant?!
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Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
Answer: a widow.
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75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.
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Strange thing about women's brain, there's nothing right in left side, and nothing left on the right side
____________________________________________________________
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say "Will", "You" and "Me". That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.
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Don't you ever try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
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Wives can be only one of three kinds:
1. Pretty, but unloyal.
2. Loyal, but ugly.
3. Pretty and loyal, but inflatable.
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I am very talented: I can open the wardrobe, put my clothes inside and close the
doors before they start falling out.
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I'm too pretty to work!
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I tried being normal once... It was the worst
10 minutes of my entire life.
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If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.
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A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says:
- Why did you have to bring a pig in with you?
The lady answers:
- Excuse me, I think this is a goose.
And the bartender says:
- Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.
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The girl went to gynecologist. Undressed, opened her legs. The doctor says: -
Above! The girl picked up the legs above. The doctor says: - Above! Girl picked
up even higher. The doctor already screaming: - Above! Girl: - Well where I can
higher? I can't anymore! Physician - Gynecologist office upstairs! Here is
hairdresser!
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The man tells his friend:
- My wife wants me to take her to
some luxurious place. I think I could take her to petrol station for gasoline...
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Man writes an sms for a woman:
- And how are you in bed?
Receives an answer:
- I am ok ... fit in.
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- What are you doing?
- I'm walking.
- But it's dark!
- I'm not afraid.
- Very brave?
- No... Very ugly.
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If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.
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A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says:
- Why did you have to bring a pig in with you?
The lady answers:
- Excuse me, I think this is a goose.
And the bartender says:
- Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.
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The girl went to gynecologist. Undressed, opened her legs. The doctor says: -
Above! The girl picked up the legs above. The doctor says: - Above! Girl picked
up even higher. The doctor already screaming: - Above! Girl: - Well where I can
higher? I can't anymore! Physician - Gynecologist office upstairs! Here is
hairdresser!
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The man tells his friend:
- My wife wants me to take her to
some luxurious place. I think I could take her to petrol station for gasoline...
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Man writes an sms for a woman:
- And how are you in bed?
Receives an answer:
- I am ok ... fit in.
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- What are you doing?
- I'm walking.
- But it's dark!
- I'm not afraid.
- Very brave?
- No... Very ugly.
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Wife: I hate
that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a book "How to Cook"!
________________________________________________________________ A wife and a husband sit in the room and enjoys a bottle of wine. Suddenly the
wife says:
- I love you.
Husband asks in surprise:
- Is that you or wine talking?
- This is me, I'm talking to wine.
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Husband: Why?
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a book "How to Cook"!
________________________________________________________________ A wife and a husband sit in the room and enjoys a bottle of wine. Suddenly the
wife says:
- I love you.
Husband asks in surprise:
- Is that you or wine talking?
- This is me, I'm talking to wine.
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Why married women are more fat than single ones? Single women return home, take a look what's inside the fridge and go to bed. Married women return home, take a look who's in bed and turns to fridge.
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Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From
under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
-Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them.
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The will of woman is an order, the will of man - a criminal code.
