Funny Accountant Jokes
A young
accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is
replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the
day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing
sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed
vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.
After he retires,
the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in
the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in
replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks
to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous
treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he
removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following
message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."
There once was a
business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He
decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much
is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth,
and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with
the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is
solvable."
The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we
discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was
declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to
see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned
to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice,
"What would you like it to be?"
A business owner
tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks,
"Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business
owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
Why do
accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
A 54-year-old
accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear
Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived
at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because
you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18."
Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
Funny Firefighters Jokes
n excited man calls the fire
department and says, "Help me, my house is on fire!!"
The fireman says, "Where do
you live?"
The man replies, "I am too
excited, I can't tell you the exact address."
The fireman asks, "How do you expect us to get there?"
The man replies, "What do you
mean 'how'? The big red truck."
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small
Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume
prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged
him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and
loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing,
not even fire."
The
firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while
repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and
tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose
announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the
rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted,
"Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning
building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for
work. When confronted by his boss the man explained:
"You can't park anywhere near this place!"
A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have
just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish
pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to
do with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I
don't want you to trample my front yard."
Funny Pilots and Flight
Attendants Jokes
On reaching his
plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks
the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a
whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the
parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this
omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And
get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking
with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to
such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice
for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out
of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot
turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airplane
encounters turbulence.
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant
asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my
choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The
devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1,
2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own
hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.
The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through
flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a
pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He
looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by
scantily-clad stewardesses.
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He
offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I
wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."
A burly good 'ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and
says, "Captain, I want a drink but I don't see the stewardess
around".
The steward answers, "Actually I'm not the captain. This airline is proud
to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry.
I'd be happy to get you a drink".
Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
Steward: "She's all for it, in fact, the entire flight crew is
female."
Passenger: "I don't believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see
for myself!"
Steward: "Actually sir, we don't call it that anymore."
What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?
A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if
he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.
How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the
passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested
system an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely
impossible, ..."
Airlines Acronyms Explained
Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
Alitalia: Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
BOAC: Better On A Camel
Delta: Don't Ever Leave The Airport
Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PIA: Perhaps I'll Arrive
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAS: Sex After Service
TAP: Take Another Plane
TWA: That Was Awful
TWA: Try With Another
How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me!"
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he
is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.
As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger
seemed noticeably afraid. "What's the problem, fellow?" asked his
seat mate.
"Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying,
'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"
While cruising at
40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers
left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a
second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers
were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then,
standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and
assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his
demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as
the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several
packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say,"
spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said
they were.
The passenger
went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There
isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to
get help."
An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the
pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three
left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."
A little later,
the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left.
However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."
Somewhat later,
the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had
died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it
will now take 18 hours to get to new York."
At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that
last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned
passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an
airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that short!"
The co-pilot
looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you
sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain
got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between
their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet
came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were
sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the
tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway
was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If
you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a
B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around
the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can
do, I can do better."
The veteran
bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45
degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000
feet, how
much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am
out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have
the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the
fuel truck is."
"Didn't you read this book, black box, in our previous
flight? Haven't you ended it yet?", the woman asked her husband.
"Yes I did", answered the husband, "but everyone knows
that the first thing the rescuers look for after a plane crash is the Black
Box".
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take
to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help
you?" asks the agent.
"I want a
round trip ticket," says the man.
"Where
to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to
here."
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of
my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said,
"We can't do that!"
I told her,
"You did it last week!"
Henny Youngman
Frequent Flayer's Ten Golden Rules
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you
are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it
will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it
inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any
terminal in the world.
5.
If you
must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch
pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
6.
If you
are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle
and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just
look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats
ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board is always seated
next to you.
9. The best-looking woman/man on your flight
is never seated next to you.
10.
The
less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage
passengers will bring aboard.
Funny Artist Jokes
An artist asked
the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at
that time.
"I have good
news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a
gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time.
Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every
stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding
of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.
After a month,
the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take
it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they
merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his
painting in silence.
They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as
they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He
jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your
clothes!"
A bumper sticker for artists: "My other car is a bike,
too."
After his wife divorced him, Joe asked his best friend, Bill,
to fix him up with a blind date. Bill obliged. The next day Joe called up Bill
and shouted at him angrily: "Bill, what kind of a guy do you think I am.
That girl you fixed me up with was cross-eyed; she was almost bald; her nose
was long, thin and crooked; she had hair growing on her face; she was flat
chested; and her ankles were as thick as her thighs".
Bill answered: "Either you like Picasso, or you don't like Picasso."
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her
career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life
as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several
weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter
was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the
doctor's office.
Part of her work
included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work,
she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's
office.
During the press
conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,
"What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office,
especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm
not a proctologist.'"
Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new
chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough
sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested
a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel
tower.
Funny Journalists Jokes
A photographer
for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.
Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically
called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be
waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as
he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near
the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's
go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers
take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
Three men: an
editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in
Miami. They decide to walk up and down the
beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.
As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you
three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one
wish."
The photographer
went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge
house in St.
Thomas with
no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The journalist
went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge
yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie
granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not
least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked
the genie.
"I want them
both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for
tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running
for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small
penis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a
big mouth."
A cub reporter covered a story about an attack on a woman by an
escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with the story and a headline of
"Woman raped, mental patient escapes".
The editor told
him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a
while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees".
The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a
headline like that, go back and try again. Much later he came back with
"Nut screws and bolts".
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his
first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs.
Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor
scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like
breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor
the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She
is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
"
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young
boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw
the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day
would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious
Animal."
The hero told the
journalist that he wasn't from that town.
"Well,
then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia
Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."
"Actually,"
the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the
headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."
George W. Bush is seen crossing the Potomac river on foot.
The Washington Post : "President Bush crosses the Potomac River".
The Washington Time : "Bush's conservative
approach saves taxpayers a boat".
Mother Jones : "Bush can't swim".
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her
and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"
To which she
responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you
tonight!"
Everyone in the
bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely
embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman
walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry
if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to
study how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?"
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they
are different lies.
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk
nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like
to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for
the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:
"Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you
want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing
another."
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old
Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next
day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,
"Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian
is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the
Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions,
the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.
"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and
I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"Radio is broken."
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers,
yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people
swindled!"
Curious, a man
walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the
man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being
swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about
it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people
who can't talk in order to provide articles for people who can't read.
Frank Zappa
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
How the media would handle the end of the world
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.
Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.
Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.
Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.
Sports Illustrated: Game Over.
Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.
Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New
"Armageddon" Diet!
TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!
Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the
way we view the cosmos?
Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share.
Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software
patch RAPT777.EXE.
America OnLine: System temporarily down. Try
calling back in 15 minutes.
