tips how TO ANNOY PEOPLE

*In the memo field of all your checks, write, "for sensual massage."

* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking with others.

* Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

* Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, "to keep them tuned up."

* Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think."

* Practice making fax and modem noises.

* Make beeping noises when you back up.

* Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with prophecy."

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

* TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

* type only in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait -- I messed it up." Then repeat.

* Ask people what gender they are.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Sing along at the opera.

    * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."

* Tell your friends that you can't attend their party, five days prior to the event, because you're "not in the mood."

 MY DIET RULES,IT WORKS

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.