TODAY LAST ROUND OF IDEAS FOR YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Sorry that we're not at home.
Please leave a message after the tone.
When we get in,
We'll give you a ring.
Until then, wait by the phone.

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:)

(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.

(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.

(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Bad imitations:)

Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant?

Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms.

Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data?

Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later.

Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

(Chekov's voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

101 Ways to Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 

21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times. 

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 

45. Honk and wave to strangers. 

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 

49. Wear your pants backwards. 

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 

53. only type in lowercase. 

54. dont use any punctuation either 

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 

73. Drive half a block. 

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are. 

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 

86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 

96. Never make eye contact. 

97. Never break eye contact. 

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day

You wake up face down on the pavement. 

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 

You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office. 

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. 

Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed. 

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together. 

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. 

Your blind date turns out to be your ex. 

Your paycheck bounces. 

You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 

Your pet rock snaps at you. 

Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.

Idiots on the computer

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

Quotes of Yogi Berra

 "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

tips how TO ANNOY PEOPLE

*In the memo field of all your checks, write, "for sensual massage."

* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking with others.

* Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

* Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, "to keep them tuned up."

* Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think."

* Practice making fax and modem noises.

* Make beeping noises when you back up.

* Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with prophecy."

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

* TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

* type only in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait -- I messed it up." Then repeat.

* Ask people what gender they are.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Sing along at the opera.

    * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."

* Tell your friends that you can't attend their party, five days prior to the event, because you're "not in the mood."

 MY DIET RULES,IT WORKS

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.