Sorry folks few nice days,back with very nice post
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use would you or will you instead of you'd better or do as I say and no one will get hurt.
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.
Man's Sex Life
It seems that when
the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty
years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Men's Rules
Finally, the guys'
side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
You Can't Send Women To The Hardware Store
This is why you
can't send a woman to a hardware store....
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so hesent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelfwhile she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on acustomer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.Joe Bob replied, That's silver and it costs $100!
My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary Louise exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her tobuy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, Mary Louise, you wanna screw forthat hinge?
To which Mary Louise replied, No, but I will for the teapot.
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so hesent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelfwhile she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on acustomer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.Joe Bob replied, That's silver and it costs $100!
My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary Louise exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her tobuy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, Mary Louise, you wanna screw forthat hinge?
To which Mary Louise replied, No, but I will for the teapot.
The Top 13 Things
Overheard at the Women-Running-the-World Conference
13> "Israel agrees to the Palestinian proposal under one condition: We simply *must* have that hummus recipe! It's divine!"
12> "She may think her pyramids are holding up like they used to, but 'denial' ain't just a river in... well, you know."
11> "Hey! How'd that guy get in here? Oops! Sorry, Bulgaria."
10> "Well *of course* the United States says it will still respect you in the morning."
9> "Who does Iraq think she's kidding? Those WMDs are *so* fake."
8> "Bosnia, honey, drop the 'Herzegovina.' Hyphenated names are *soooo* 1995!"
7> "Can I borrow a nationful of oil?"
6> "No, they weren't an imminent threat. We declared war on them because their president was wearing the same dress I had on at the G-8 Summit."
5> "Listen Miss 'I'm-the-Only-Remaining-Superpower,' just remember that we knew you back when you were a lowly Brit stepchild with buck teeth."
4> "Would someone please get a bicycle for my fish?"
3> "All right, Arabs? Jews? Over here! We're all going to sit down with Dr. Phil and work this thing out!"
2> "By a unanimous vote, the 'Share the Pain' measure to stretch male anuses to 10 cm during childbirth is hereby passed."
1> "These summits are all the same: Solve the world's problems before lunch, then spend the rest of the day trying to divide the check."
13> "Israel agrees to the Palestinian proposal under one condition: We simply *must* have that hummus recipe! It's divine!"
12> "She may think her pyramids are holding up like they used to, but 'denial' ain't just a river in... well, you know."
11> "Hey! How'd that guy get in here? Oops! Sorry, Bulgaria."
10> "Well *of course* the United States says it will still respect you in the morning."
9> "Who does Iraq think she's kidding? Those WMDs are *so* fake."
8> "Bosnia, honey, drop the 'Herzegovina.' Hyphenated names are *soooo* 1995!"
7> "Can I borrow a nationful of oil?"
6> "No, they weren't an imminent threat. We declared war on them because their president was wearing the same dress I had on at the G-8 Summit."
5> "Listen Miss 'I'm-the-Only-Remaining-Superpower,' just remember that we knew you back when you were a lowly Brit stepchild with buck teeth."
4> "Would someone please get a bicycle for my fish?"
3> "All right, Arabs? Jews? Over here! We're all going to sit down with Dr. Phil and work this thing out!"
2> "By a unanimous vote, the 'Share the Pain' measure to stretch male anuses to 10 cm during childbirth is hereby passed."
1> "These summits are all the same: Solve the world's problems before lunch, then spend the rest of the day trying to divide the check."
Language Differences
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
|
40-ish
|
49
|
|
Adventurous
|
Slept with everyone
|
|
Athletic
|
No tits
|
|
Average looking
|
Ugly
|
|
Beautiful
|
Pathological liar
|
|
Contagious Smile
|
Does a lot of
pills
|
|
Emotionally Secure
|
On medication
|
|
Feminist
|
Fat
|
|
Free spirit
|
Junkie
|
|
Friendship first
|
Former slut
|
|
Fun
|
Annoying
|
|
New-Age
|
Body hair
in the wrong places
|
|
Old-fashioned
|
No BJs
|
|
Open-minded
|
Desperate
|
|
Outgoing
|
Loud and Embarrassing
|
|
Passionate
|
Sloppy drunk
|
|
Professional
|
Bitch
|
|
Voluptuous
|
Very Fat
|
|
Large frame
|
Hugely Fat
|
|
Wants Soul mate
|
Stalker
|
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you!
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you!
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you!
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you!
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay!
The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Gal Banned From the Women's Union
16> "Okay, I admit it: More than six cats may be a bit
excessive."
15> You've had the faces of Moe and Larry tattooed on each breast -- and if a guy asks nicely, you'll show him where Curly resides.
14> You regularly clean your ears out with a screwdriver.
13> You put out a nice gingham tablecloth, then gut a freshly killed deer on it.
12> Although you'd never do the old pull-my-finger gag, you love to play "squeeze my boob" with similar sound effects.
11> Purchasing any greeting card featuring a chimp and a bikini.
10> The whoopee cushion seemed like a good idea when you brought it into the meeting.
9> You're already planning on lining up for tickets to the "Matrix" sequel.
8> Instead of brushing your teeth on a Saturday morning, you use leftover beer as a mouthwash.
7> Proposing that you take over as local precinct leader, then wussing out on the requisite knife fight to the death on the union hall roof.
6> "Whoa! How about a courtesy flush over there, Diane?!?"
5> You delay the decision to take your mom off life support until after the World Series.
4> "Doing your nails" requires an air compressor and a power sander.
3> Neglecting to pass on e-mails that are clearly marked: "Cute!! LOL!! Pass this on!"
2> The stack of "Maxim" magazines piled on your toilet tank is paperweighted by a tub of petroleum jelly.
1> You loudly proclaim that if "Dumb and Dumber" isn't the best movie of all time, you'll give up chewing tobacco.
15> You've had the faces of Moe and Larry tattooed on each breast -- and if a guy asks nicely, you'll show him where Curly resides.
14> You regularly clean your ears out with a screwdriver.
13> You put out a nice gingham tablecloth, then gut a freshly killed deer on it.
12> Although you'd never do the old pull-my-finger gag, you love to play "squeeze my boob" with similar sound effects.
11> Purchasing any greeting card featuring a chimp and a bikini.
10> The whoopee cushion seemed like a good idea when you brought it into the meeting.
9> You're already planning on lining up for tickets to the "Matrix" sequel.
8> Instead of brushing your teeth on a Saturday morning, you use leftover beer as a mouthwash.
7> Proposing that you take over as local precinct leader, then wussing out on the requisite knife fight to the death on the union hall roof.
6> "Whoa! How about a courtesy flush over there, Diane?!?"
5> You delay the decision to take your mom off life support until after the World Series.
4> "Doing your nails" requires an air compressor and a power sander.
3> Neglecting to pass on e-mails that are clearly marked: "Cute!! LOL!! Pass this on!"
2> The stack of "Maxim" magazines piled on your toilet tank is paperweighted by a tub of petroleum jelly.
1> You loudly proclaim that if "Dumb and Dumber" isn't the best movie of all time, you'll give up chewing tobacco.
Types of men...
Joe Sensitive -
"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but..."
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but..."
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Types of women...
Ms. Nice Guy -
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
What Gender Are They?
ZIPLOC BAGS -
male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through
them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
The Top 10 Tips for Temporary Bachelors
When Mom and the
kids go off for a few days and leave Dad behind to struggle on his own, it can
be a painful thing for him to deal with. With that in mind, we thought we'd
offer some help...
10> Don't use the guest towels to mop up after your 36-hour porn-a-thon.
9> It's not worth the water conserved to shower with the dirty dishes.
8> Scrape frost from freezer for instant shaved-ice party drinks.
7> Don't rebuild your transmission in the dining room; use the bathroom.
6> Maintain a healthy diet; make sure your hefeweizen has a lemon slice.
5> Socks first, *then* shoes.
4> Jim Crow still rules the laundry room: separate the whites from the coloreds.
3> Despite the efficiency potential, Dawn and Ragu cannot be combined to make "self-cleaning spaghetti."
2> Never wash the youngest's clothes, because there is no one to hand them down to after you shrink them.
1> Check your wife's underwear drawer; if it's empty, she's not coming back.
10> Don't use the guest towels to mop up after your 36-hour porn-a-thon.
9> It's not worth the water conserved to shower with the dirty dishes.
8> Scrape frost from freezer for instant shaved-ice party drinks.
7> Don't rebuild your transmission in the dining room; use the bathroom.
6> Maintain a healthy diet; make sure your hefeweizen has a lemon slice.
5> Socks first, *then* shoes.
4> Jim Crow still rules the laundry room: separate the whites from the coloreds.
3> Despite the efficiency potential, Dawn and Ragu cannot be combined to make "self-cleaning spaghetti."
2> Never wash the youngest's clothes, because there is no one to hand them down to after you shrink them.
1> Check your wife's underwear drawer; if it's empty, she's not coming back.
This Is Why Women Don't Work For the CIA
The CIA had an
opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done, there were three finalists
... two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!
"The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your Wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
... two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!
"The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your Wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
Men are Like...
Men are like
....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ........ Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ........ Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ........ Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ........ Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ........ Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ........ Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ........ Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ........ Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ........ Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ........ Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ........ Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ........ Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
The Top 15 Euphemisms for "Getting Your Period"
15> Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
14> Trolling for Vampires
13> A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
12> Saddling Old Rusty
11> Feelin' Menstru-riffic!
10> Clean-Up in Aisle One
9> Massacre at the Y
8> T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
7> Game Day for the Crimson Tide
6> Panty Shields Up, Captain!
5> Taking Carrie to the Prom
4> Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
3> Ordering l'Omelette Rouge
2> Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
1> Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
Haircuts -- The difference between men and women
Women's version:
---------------------------
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
---------------------------
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
New Courses for Men
Class size is
limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult.
Agenda
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions
A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....
While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in.
They are:
1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner
(Advanced Only) Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).
Agenda
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions
A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....
While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in.
They are:
1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner
(Advanced Only) Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).
The Male Prime Directives
* On car trips
with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost... Just keep driving
aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of
your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.
* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy: because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.
* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides.: It's all about who's out in front.
* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics.... If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?"
* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR: but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.
* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals.... "Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
* Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.
* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy: Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel.: It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.
* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.
* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess: Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.
* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished: but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.
* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys: That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears.: That' s like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it -- here and here."
* Every guy should be hip about guns.: Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department .: Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.
* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy: because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.
* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides.: It's all about who's out in front.
* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics.... If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?"
* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR: but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.
* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals.... "Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
* Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.
* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy: Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel.: It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.
* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.
* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess: Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.
* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished: but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.
* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys: That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears.: That' s like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it -- here and here."
* Every guy should be hip about guns.: Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department .: Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.
Men's Guide to Women's Language
So all you men
know how to understand what women are saying!
********* Men's guide to a Woman's language **********
She says English --------- --------
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like..
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
******** In answer to the question "What's wrong?" **********
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an jerk.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.
********* Men's guide to a Woman's language **********
She says English --------- --------
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like..
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
******** In answer to the question "What's wrong?" **********
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an jerk.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.
Words from Women
I'm not offended
by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that
I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. --- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman
"I think - therefore I'm single." --- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. --- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman
"I think - therefore I'm single." --- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor
The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union
16> You catch yourself thinking, "You know, what this bed needs
is a few more pillows."
15> "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"
14> You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.
13> You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.
12> "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"
11> "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"
10> Your new Martha Burke signature putter.
9> Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.
8> You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.
7> You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.
6> Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.
5> Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.
4> You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.
3> You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."
2> When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.
1> "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."
15> "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"
14> You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.
13> You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.
12> "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"
11> "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"
10> Your new Martha Burke signature putter.
9> Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.
8> You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.
7> You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.
6> Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.
5> Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.
4> You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.
3> You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."
2> When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.
1> "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."
