Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING 

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code

5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time. 

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based
on our observations of employee activities. 

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you
are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list
immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. 

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not
Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen

Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

The Bosses' Itinerary

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. 

Agenda follows: 

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. 

You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes. 

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter". 

You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark. 

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears". 

You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition. 

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. 

You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays". 

This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again. 

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

14. No, my powers can only be used for good. 

15. How about never? Is never good for you? 

16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 

17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 

18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 

19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 

20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 

21. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 

22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 

24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 

25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

The Top 14 Tips Donald Trump Has for His New Apprentice

14. "Trust me. Even if you look like a bloated troll, chicks dig billionaires."

13. "Don't be fooled by his naked antics -- Richard Hatch over in Marketing is up to no good."

12. "Keep your hands off Carolyn, but George, well, that's another story."

11. "Secret code phrase to utter if you ever notice my fly down during a board meeting: 'Sir, are you ready for your PowerPoint presentation?'"

10. "Lowe's has better prices on shellac than Home Depot."

9. "Wait until the bankers leave the room before starting your victory macarena."

8. "You're fired! Ha, ha, ha. No, really. You're fired, too!"

7. "Don't bother giving other drivers the finger when you get cut off. Have your chauffeur do it."

6. "You're never too young for a comb-over."

5. "Never, EVER schedule me for an interview with Barbara Walters. I am not now, nor do I ever intend to be, 'Mista Twump.'"

4. "Never blur the line between servility and civility."

3. "Plant your corn early. Yeah, I never understood that one either when I was growing up."

2. "After a long, *successful* day with the boss, only the *medicated* Chapstick will do."

1. "If you think the selection process compromised your integrity, wait until you're actually WORKING for me."

How to Screw up an Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. 

The lowlights: 

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy od Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 

15. "His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Management Style

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. Itshould be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. Noone will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I'say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office,
and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts(pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he lookedthe word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definitionto send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 

16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
14 times gives you job security. 

13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by
killing all those who oppose them. 

11. We put the "k" in "kwality." 

10. 2 days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 

8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to
call in sick. 

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 

3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 

2. Plagiarism saves time. 

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

You Know You Work in Corporate America If:

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. 

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 

The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note. 

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 

You learn about your layoff on CNN. 

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. 

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. 

It's dark when you drive to and from work. 

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. 

"Communication" is something your group is having problems with. 

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. 

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. 

Art involves a white board. 

You're already late on the assignment you just got. 

When 100% of your time means 20 hours. 

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" 

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you." 

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. 

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 

Change is the norm. Nepotism is encouraged. 

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube. 

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 

You read this entire list and understood it.

Company buzz words

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's 

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible. 

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. 

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then
leaves. 

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. 

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. 

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. 

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,Oppressive Mortgage. 

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. 

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property, and no regrets. 

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." 

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. 

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. 

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. 

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." 

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
a company or department soon. 

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to
pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example. 

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get
it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice
President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator forassistance." See also Decruitment. 

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the
appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Romantic Pink Slip

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it,
or subjecting my children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's
reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you
can't GET into my pants.

__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess. AMEN!

__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to
kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms
a little disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you
are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a
long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must
See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Mistakes on a resume

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

Life of a Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care...

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... Absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .

I'm wondering... If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the storeroom.

Funny Resumes and One liners from Job Applications

1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'
2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'

3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'

4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'

5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'

6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'

7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'

8. 'Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.'

9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'

10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.'

11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'

12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'

13. 'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'

14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'

15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '

16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'

17.'I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.'

18.'Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.'

19.'As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.'

20.'Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.'

21.'Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as ' job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.'

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.'

23.'Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.'

24.'The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.'

26.'References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.'