Into A Bar it’s Friday !!!!!!
An fish
walks into a bar and orders a scotch and water and tells the bartender to,
"Hold the scotch, and bring it in a large bowl."
A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."
A homophobe, a rapist and a black guy walks into a bar. Everyone's like, "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"
A girl walks into a bar in the Castro section of San Fransico, wearing nothing but a smile, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender tells her, "you may want to cover up first." She gets huffy and says, "What's the matter, you don't approve of the City's clothing optional policy?" The bartender says, "No, I'm fine with it, its just that the guy before you was itching and scratching the whole time!"
An electrician walks into a bar all amped up and is shocked when the bartender refuses him regular service.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"
A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."
A homophobe, a rapist and a black guy walks into a bar. Everyone's like, "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"
A girl walks into a bar in the Castro section of San Fransico, wearing nothing but a smile, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender tells her, "you may want to cover up first." She gets huffy and says, "What's the matter, you don't approve of the City's clothing optional policy?" The bartender says, "No, I'm fine with it, its just that the guy before you was itching and scratching the whole time!"
An electrician walks into a bar all amped up and is shocked when the bartender refuses him regular service.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"
A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
A pig walks into a bar, the bartender says "What'll it be?" The pig replies, "A pint of guinea's please."
A Rolex walks into a bar and buys drinks for eveybody. Pretty soon the place is rockin and the good times are flowing. The crowd starts a conga line and they pass the Rolex from the front to the back, until the last guy gets it and throws it back to the person in front. "Wow," says the bartender, "Time does fly when you're having fun!"
A 30's something woman walks into a bar and orders four dirty martinis. "Why four?" the bartender asks. She smiles at him and says, "It's Girls Night Out and I am going to tell my husband that I bought the first round!"
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A guy walks into a bar right at quitting time and orders one drink after another. The bartender gets concerned and asks the guy, "Problems at work, pal?" The guy says "Yeah; I'm a personal trainer at Planet Fitness and they let me go today because they said 'I just wasn't working out.'".
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A woman walks
into bar and sits next to a handsome man. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together, and go back to his place and as he shows her around his
apartment. She notices that a wall in his bedroom is completely filled with
three shelves of soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three shelves carefully
placed in rows and lovingly arranged. She is immediately touched by the amount
of thought he had in organizing his collection, with the small bears on the
bottom and the huge enormous bears along the top shelf. That such as large,
masculine man should be so caring and sensitive it beyond belief. They share a
bottle of wine and talk and after awhile, she thinks, 'Oh my God! maybe this is
the one! The future father of my children?' They kiss, the passion builds and
they make their way back to the bedroom for a night of mad passionate
lovemaking. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they lie there together in the warm afterglow and she gently
asks while stroking his hairy chest, 'Well, how was it?' The sensitive guy
gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says,
'Help yourself to any prize from
the middle shelf!'
A lesbian walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We have a new liquor in today!" The lesbian says, "That's great! I'd love to meet her!"
A really big Chia pet walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "What’ll it be?" The Chia pet says, "Anything but water!"
An anagramist walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the clean fog?"
A lesbian walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We have a new liquor in today!" The lesbian says, "That's great! I'd love to meet her!"
A really big Chia pet walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "What’ll it be?" The Chia pet says, "Anything but water!"
An anagramist walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the clean fog?"
A drunk walks into a bar and the bartender asks me what I want.
Two vegetarians walk into a bar and order drinks. Pretty soon they start arguing loudly about beans, really, and the bartender steps into settle it. "Heh," he says, "I've got no beef with either of you! Just soy long as neither of you hold a grudge, why don't you just end it now since there's not much at steak?" They both agreed and left, saying "Lettuce meat again next week over brunch."
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.
A spook and a skeleton both walk into a bar and order drinks. Right off the bartender refuses the skeleton service. "Heh, why me?" asks the skeleton. The barkeep relies, "Because you can't hold your liquor!" He then turns to the spook and says, "There's not a ghost of a chance I will serve you, either!" "Careful," says the spook "that could come back to haunt you!"
A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh by the jukebox. He calls over, “Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?” and Van Gogh replies “No, thanks. I’ve got one ‘ere.”
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.
Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."
The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."
Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.
Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.
Erwin Schroedinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Decartes left but at the same time did not leave.
Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.
James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.
Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.
Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.
Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.
Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."
Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.
Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.
Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.
Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.
Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.
Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.
William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.
Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.
Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and says, "Get out! We can't serve you here!". The pirate replies, "Arr, is it because I've got a Bounty on me head?"
John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"
A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."
A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"
A pregnant woman walks into a bar, and is soon approached by a guy who says, "Can I sit here with you? She says, "No, I'm expecting someone."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A man walks into a English pub and asks how much for a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The bartender says "That's 80p."
After a long's day work, two termites crawl into a tavern for a drink. The tiredest one asks the waiter, "Is the bar tender, here?" The waiter answers, " I wooden know." His buddy, ticked off at the bad pun, beats him to a pulp, until the tired one passes out and starts to saw logs.
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."
Quotes About Dogs
The reason a dog
has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
Ever wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog.
If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.
My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.
Laws of Physics for Cats
If physics even applies to them...
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the degree of color difference between the cat hair and the fabric color.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any countertop which has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state if a cat is present.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat as soon as possible.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the furniture's cost.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.
Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle)
It isn't possible to predict where a cat actually is, only where it “might” be.
Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.
Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the degree of color difference between the cat hair and the fabric color.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any countertop which has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state if a cat is present.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat as soon as possible.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the furniture's cost.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.
Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle)
It isn't possible to predict where a cat actually is, only where it “might” be.
Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.
Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
