BLONDE'S AND BRUNETTE'S

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Blonde - Detectives

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''
The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.
''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.
''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.''
After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.''
This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''
''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?''

Blonde and Genie

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.

The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!''
"Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.
Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!''
And off she went.
The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

Blonde Driving

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

Blonde in Disguise

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

Blonde on the Run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says the brunette.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says the blonde.

Blonde's Backseat

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

''NO!'' yelled the blonde.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.
''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.
Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.
''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.
''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

Blonde's Don't Drink and Think

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging a few beers when they see a road block ahead with police checking for drunk drivers. The blonde in the passenger seat starts to panic and the driver tells her to calm down and do what she does. She then proceeds to quickly chug the last of the beer in her hand, peel the label off, stick the bottle under the seat and stick the label to her forehead. The second blonde follows along. When they arrive at the road block, the officer looks in and is quite surprised by this spectacle and says, '' Hello ladies. By any chance have you two been drinking tonight?'' ''Why no officer, you see, we are on the patch!'''

Broom Factory

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.

"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"
"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"
"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."
"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."
"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

Cheer leading Tryouts

One day two girls were trying out for the school cheer leading squad. One was a blonde and one was a brunette. After they both had tryouts, they went home to wait until the results were posted. The blonde goes to see if she made it that night. Once she found out she made it she got out her cell phone and called the brunette, but she didn't answer, so the blonde just went back home. The next day the brunette called the blonde to see if she wanted to go with her to look at their scores. The blonde says sure and meets the brunette at the school. The brunette beats the blonde to the school, so she goes ahead and looks at the scores to find out they both made it. When the blonde gets there, she finds her name on the list again. Then she says, ''Yes!! I made it again, I made it last night and I made it again today. I am on a roll!''

Don't Step Out of the Car

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.
He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"
She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Forest Gump

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."
"Okay," says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second--"
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?"
"That's easy. Howard!"
"Howard?"
"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."

Getting Flowers

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Land Of Milk And Honey

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

''I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?''
''I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.''
''Pasteurized?''
''No, just up to my tits.''

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.

Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

  MORE WISDOM

 

With my grandmother was seriously ill in the hospital, I asked her if she'd given any thought about euthanasia. She said she didn't really care about Chinese teenagers right now.

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:
1.

I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn't quite have the same effect online.

I had my house inspected by an expert interior decorator. She told me that the whole house was fine, apart from the room at the top of the house. I think it might be a little problem attic.

I need to find a new source of electricity. Not happy with my current supplier.

I dont really know much about computers, but my idea of a hard drive is an hour in the car with my wife.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on reverse psychology! The librarian says, "You don't want to read that".

Then I asked for a book on homeopathy and the librarian said there were a few pages here and there throughout the library.

You need to have eyes in the back of your head when you've got kids. In hindsight, I wish I'd never had any.

I'm seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania, and I have taken something valuable away from every session.

My shrink is helping with my fear of money. He's raising his rates.

I bought a treadmill today. It's giving me a run for my money.

I think men who lose their penis should be remembered.

Did you hear about the bird that was born without a beak? He was born to succeed.

I was messing around with my buddy at the pottery factory yesterday and we got locked in the kiln. The boss fired us both.

A friend of mine is known for going round to peoples houses and stealing pictures of them. It's a poor trait.

I got kicked out of aerobics class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I went into the changing room several times, but it was still the same.

I came up with a way of getting coal out of the ground. Hope no one else thinks of the same idea - it's mine.

I complained to the city council that the street I live on has no name. They said they'll address it at the next board meeting.

My three unwritten rules :
1.
2.
3.

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia. I fear the wurst.

Trust undertakers: They're the last people to let you down.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's still all fun and games, just without depth perception.

You know you're fat when you get on a rowing machine and it sinks.

I lost my wife to quicksand. Took a while to sink in.

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages. For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

If I ever got the chance to name a street, I'd call it 'Skin Road'. Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with his pencil.

My parents went to Southeast Asia and all I got was this Laosy t-shirt.

The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

90% of communication is done through body language. Which is why its really easy to lie to blind people.

What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage? Justin Bieber's chest hair.

My ex-wife and I settled our divorce in a very fair way and divided the house in two. She got the inside, I got the outside.

Some people say that dolphins are the most well adapted animal, but they can't hold a candle to us humans. No thumbs.

Christians believe that the Virgin Mary was somehow taken into heaven by God without actually dying. That's the Assumption, anyway.

My wife said she will write "Lazy Ass" on my headstone. Over my dead body!

I'm a big fan of Sarah Palin. Sorry, parasailing.

I'm as confused as a dyslexic man trying to sing 'Respect'!

I just had a boxing match with a Star Wars character. I won, Han's down.

No one ever disappears into fat air.

I invented a time machine but it only takes you back in time. The guy in the patents office couldn't see any future in it.

People call me an alcoholic but I only consume alcohol twice a year! When it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday.

How many squares are there on a chess board? Usually two, facing each other.

I was perfectly happy in Mississippi, then Mr. Sippi came back early from a business trip.

I helped a small child out just so I could get a better look at his mom. Thankfully she never realized I wasn't the midwife.

Imagine a world without made up scenarios.

My ice business got liquidated due to a power outage.

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution - 1024x768.

When someone prays for a flood to stop, they're basically saying, "God, dam it."

I've been meaning to pay my gas and electricity bill. But I just don't have the energy.

I've had my application rejected for a job with NASA. There was no space for me.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

A man walks into a brothel and asks, "Is that Hortense over there?" The Madam replies, "She looks perfectly relaxed to me."

I came home from work last night to find a police officer rooting through my CD rack. Turns out we'd been burgled and he was just looking for Prince.

Jesus died for our sins, so if we don't sin, he died for nothing.

According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest.

I can see into the future, but only good things. I'm an optimystic.

By and large, the women involved in online dating are bi, and large.

My TV screen went black today. I can't get it to go back.

If your horse goes too fast, you mustang on.

I went to the furniture store and was browsing about for a while. A woman then came up and said, "What is it you are looking for?" I said, "One night stand." She called security.

My best friend's really easy going. He has irritable bowels.

Some people will never change. Like a nun, same clothes everyday.

I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb into old tires and roll down the hills. They were goodyears.

Who here knows how to perform with sock puppets? Can I have a show of hands?

Whenever I go out sightseeing I like to take a few pictures. Yesterday I got a Picasso.

I'm about to launch an online taxi firm. I just need to download the drivers.

Wearing glasses makes me look better.

There was a programmer in our workplace that got employee of the month and got promoted. He got arrays.

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.

It's a well known fact that Adolf Hitler loved dogs and other animals. He was, after all, a veteran Aryan.

My wife went through the roof when she stumbled upon my secret explosives collection in the attic.

People who have no index fingers are pointless.

My wife is thinking about getting a flu shot but I refused to give her advice. I just didn't want to influenza decision.

Took me 2 hours to grill a chicken yesterday but still couldn't get it to tell me why it crossed the road.

Every house needs a door, and that's where I come in.

I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation. Unfortunately I can't go.

I decided to be more considerate of my neighbors. In fact, I went over and knocked on their door and told them at 4 o'clock this morning.

So we were seeing who's laptop could burn a disc the fastest. It was a discrace.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

I've come up with an idea for a spray that clears the air of all smells. I went to the patent office and the guy said; "This is madness!" "No." I said. "This is Non-Scents."

I pretend there are bits floating in my orange juice. Pulp Fiction.

I just got thrown out of our local hospital for misusing a breast-scanning unit. Or Binoculars, as the Security Guard insisted on calling them.

If that kid next door doesn't stop playing the drums, there will be serious repercussions.

The wife kept saying the same thing over and over again. Turns out it was just a phrase she was going through.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

For his 70th Birthday treat, Stephen Hawking's caregiver arranged for him to go out on a date, when he returned later that evening he was all covered in cuts and bruises, his caretaker asked him, "what the hell happened?" He replied, "She stood me up!"

A new survey shows that a fifth of American men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

I think I had something at lunchtime that disagreed with me. In fact I know I did - I was having dinner with my wife and her mother.

I'd hate to be the Captain of the Costa Concordia. He is in deep water. Which paradoxically, where he should have been in the first place.

I really wanted to re-marry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.

How do you tell if someone owns an Apple product? Just wait, they will tell you.

I just called the S&M hotline but no one answered. They're probably all tied up.

My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.

I was walking down the street the other day, and a guy called me over to him. When I got there he said "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I was."

I've been studying abroad for two years now. She still doesn't know.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work on Friday. Just heading down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

What's the difference between a rocker and a jazz man? A rocker plays 3 chords in front of 3,000 people, and a jazz man plays 3,000 chords in front of 3 people.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Even though I needed to use the bathroom I decided to try to hold it in so I could stay at the track to watch the last horse race. Number two won.

I went to the Natural History Museum and saw the two bees that Noah supposedly took with him. They were in the archives.

When I die, I want my last words to be, "I left $400,000 under the..."

I just looked up the word "indescribable" - ironically it's a describing word.

I've penned a few great novels in my time. I think that's why I'm not allowed in the library any more.

The local town executioner has had his basket stolen. Heads are going to roll!

I'm so much better at starting things than finishing them. That said,

Health Related True Facts

Absolutely True!

The safest number of times to reuse a disposable razor is only 3. Disposable razors have thinner blades than other razors, and are thus more prone to producing microscopic cuts in the skin. The longer you keep using a disposable razor, the more germs it will collect, and the greater the chance that a nick will become infected.

When you walk uphill, the level of harmful fats in the bloodstream goes down. When you walk downhill, blood sugar levels are reduced. Alter your patterns of exercise depending on your health needs!

90% of the calories in cream cheese come from fat! It's the most fattening cheese.

Make sure your television set is securely supported if you have young children in your house. At least 28 kids were killed by toppling television sets in 1997.

If you have an impaired immune system, don't eat alfalfa sprouts. Some sprouts have caused outbreaks of E. Coli and salmonella!

Coffee does not increase the risk of heart attacks. A recent study showed that even 4 or more cups daily didn't increase heart attack risk.

Sweet potatoes contain no more calories than white potatoes, and virtually no fat.

As people age, they burn fewer calories. This often results in increased body fat and loss of muscle. All it takes, however, is a brisk 2 mile walk daily to balance energy intake and energy needs.

If you have symptoms of a heart attack, such as chest pain, chew and swallow one adult aspirin tablet (325 mg) immediately, while you seek medical help. If you have only baby aspirin at home, chew four of them.

The number one vegetable in the US is the potato. Per capita consumption is 84 pounds each year! One third of those end up as french fries. 5% are in the form of potato chips.

Knuckle cracking does NOT cause arthritis, enlarged joints or any other harm. It's just irritating to some people.

Many studies show that married people tend to be healthier than unmarried ones. One theory is that being married encourages healthy behavior, such as wearing seat belts, being physically active and having blood pressure checked.

Watch out for cars turning left at traffic lights! A high proportion of accidents (with other cars or pedestrians) involve a left-turning vehicle!

If you order a shake at a fast food restaurant, the good news is: a 16 ounce shake provides about 400 mg of calcium. The bad news: it also supplies about 400 to 600 calories and at least 9 grams of fat!

Measure your waist to find out if you are at risk for weight-related health problems. For women, a waist measurement of 34 1/2 inches signals a serious risk. For men, the cutoff point is 40 inches.

Watch out! Grapefruit juice can greatly boost the concentration of certain drugs in the bloodstream. These include some popular cholesterol-lowering drugs, calcium channel-blockers, tranquilizers and some antihistamines.

If you drive with a small child in your car, make sure you use the child safety seat properly! Only about 60% of children age 4 or younger ride in such seats! In addition, 80% of these safety seats are improperly used.

Per-capita Mozzarella cheese consumption has risen five-fold since 1972. Mozzarella is the second most popular cheese, next to cheddar.

Walkers and hikers who apply an aluminum-containing antiperspirant to their feet daily for at least three days before a long hike can reduce the risk of blisters!

If you take more than 500 mg of calcium supplements daily, take half later in the day. The body absorbs smaller amounts of calcium much more efficiently than large doses. Taking the calcium with meals also improves absorption.

Moderate exercise may reduce the risk of gallstone attacks by 20 to 40%! People who watch more than 40 hours of TV per week have double the risk of gallstone symptoms compared to those watching little TV.

Disinfect your loofah sponge occasionally with diluted bleach. Sponges like this can become contaminated with bacteria that can cause skin irritation.

High-fiber foods are recommended on weight-loss diets because they're filling and nutritious. In addition, boosting your fiber intake reduces the number of calories your body absorbs from the food you eat!

If all adult American smokers had quit five years ago, there would have been an estimated 15% fewer overall deaths in the United States since then, according to a study from Rutgers University.

An easy way to tell about your sun protection in the summer: if your shadow is shorter than your height, it's sunburn time. In most parts of the country, that's between 10 am and 4 pm.

If a lightning storm occurs, you are safe in a car with a solid metal top with the windows and doors shut, as long as you aren't touching a metal part of the car! A bad place to stand is right outside the car during the storm. Never stand under a lone tree in a lightning storm. A forest is safer.

Don't let the fact that you are using a tanning lotion give you a false sense of security in the sun. You need a sunscreen with an SPF (sun protection factor) of at least 15 in the summer for adequate protection.

A 1992 study found that men are much less likely to discover skin lesions than women, which may help explain why men are more likely to die from this dangerous type of skin cancer. Men should make a special effort to examine their skin, especially on their backs, for signs of melanoma.

Don't assume that darker sunglasses block more ultraviolet (UV) rays. A dark tint is desirable because it blocks more visible light, but the color in no guarantee to UV protection.

It is important to have an advance directive (including a living will) in case of medical emergency. It's also important to make sure it is accessible to your doctor and at least one close relative.

Be careful when using bungee cords this summer; elastic cords with metal hooks at each end. These cords can easily snap and hit you in the eye, causing serious injury.

Vitamin C and E pills may protect against sunburn and thus possibly reduce the risk of skin cancer. But it does not replace a good sunscreen.

If you take chewable Vitamin C tablets, make sure you brush your teeth afterwards, or at least rinse your mouth out. The tablets make your mouth acidic enough to start dissolving tooth enamel.

Don't expect pounds shed in a commercial weight loss program to stay off - they almost always come back. The strongest predictor of maintaining weight loss is regular exercise. The best predictor of weight regain: frequent television viewing!

Nasal dilators, those tape strips along the bridge of your nose (you often see athletes wearing these) will not boost your athletic performance. There's no scientific evidence that these strips help people play longer, better or harder.

Women trying to conceive improve their chances if they give up alcohol. In one study, women who had consumed only one to five drinks a week were 60% as likely to conceive as non-drinkers. At more than 10 drinks per week, the chances fell to 34%!

More than 500,000 Americans are injured and 300 die each year while using ladders. Keep in mind the 4-and-1 rule; for every 4 feet the ladder rises up the wall, the base of the ladder should extend 1 foot from the wall!

Licking a wound actually does promote healing. Saliva helps disinfect wounds and kills bacteria.

What you do during the first few hours after you've sprained your ankle or pulled a muscle can determine whether you're back to your normal routine quickly or still hobbling a week later. The key is ICE, applied as soon as possible.

It may be impossible for many people to attain a flat stomach. Even if you're very thin, your internal organs are inside your abdomen. The flatness of your stomach in many cases depends on your genes.

Remove the skin from chicken if you're counting fat calories. If you don't eat the skin, you can reduce the fat content of a chicken breast by 3/4, and it's half the calories. By the way, dark meat without the skin still has 2 to 3 times as much fat as a skinless chicken breast.

Even though the average life expectancy in Japan, France and other countries is longer than the United States, if you reach age 80, statistically you have a greater chance of living longer in the United States.

If you buy tofu, only buy commercially sealed packages. Tofu (soybean curd) is often sold floating in open, unrefrigerated trays of water, which invite bacteria to grow and puts you at risk for gastrointestinal illness.

A tight tie can affect a glaucoma exam; if you're having your eyes checked, you shouldn't wear a tie all day.

Don't use home tooth-bleaching kits. These contain ingredients that can injure gums and other soft tissue of the mouth. They also can make you sick if you swallow them.

To minimize crying while slicing onions, put a piece of bread in your mouth! This may absorb some of the fumes.

Smoking does NOT keep people thin, according to a study of 4,000 people ages 18 to 30. Weight gain was common (averaging 2 pounds per year), whether the person smokes or not!

20% of airline passengers catch a cold after a two-hour flight.

Do you know why eyes often turn red in a photograph? Blood. Really. The little black dot in the middle of your eye is not black. It’s clear, it only looks black because there’s no light coming from behind it for illumination. However, when a flash goes off, the light enters the eye and reflects off of what it finds. It finds blood vessels, blood is red, and that’s what reflects.

To test how much fat is in a cracker, rub it over a paper napkin. If the cracker leaves a grease mark, there's lots of oil in it. Even if the cracker contains unsaturated vegetable oil, you don't need that extra fat!

Swimming is a great fitness activity. One reason is the water cools the body very efficiently, allowing for more exercise and less fatigue.

Alcohol can be a double whammy for hip fractures in older people; not only does excessive drinking increase the risk of falls, but it also decreases bone density.

If you're taking a daily low-dose aspirin for heart protection, you should take a full-sized 325mg aspirin twice a month. This additional dose further reduces the risk of clots.

The incidence of Type 2 diabetes (the most common form of diabetes) has increased dramatically over the last ten years. This increase is due to the fact that Americans are living longer, are getting fatter and are less physically active.

Caregivers who take care of a spouse for long hours have an increased risk of heart disease. The emotional strain (as well as potential financial strain) often makes caregivers take less time to look after their own health.

It's estimated that 10 to 15 million Americans are allergic to cockroaches. Skin irritation, hay fever symptoms, or asthma are some of the problems associated with cockroach allergy.

Aspartame has been studied more than any other food additive. 

Women have a keener sense of smell than men do, and it's particularly acute at the time of ovulation.

If you occasionally feel faint when standing up, try raising your arms over your head before you get up.

Only half of Americans with hypertension (high blood pressure) are being treated for it, and only half of those being treated have it under control. Nearly one third of those with high blood pressure don't even know they have it!

Second hand smoke is dangerous to people, but also to your pets. Cats and dogs are more likely to suffer from lung cancer and lymphoma if their owners smoke.

Most people cannot tell if and when they have bad breath unless someone tells them. If you often have bad breath, brush your tongue, especially if it looks coated. Be sure to brush the back of the tongue.

American men who turn 65 this year can expect to live another 16 years. Women, another 19 years.

Locally baked muffins, brownies and cookies almost always weigh more than their labels say, often 20% more! This may account for the often substantial underestimation of calories on the labels.

Brown eggs are not more nutritious than white eggs. The color of the egg shell is nothing more than indication of the breed from which it came.

A woman who starts smoking increases her risk of a heart attack twice as much as a man who starts. Woman have a lower risk of heart attack than men, especially in middle age, but smoking narrows this gender gap.

Chocolate may be a more effective cough remedy than cough medicine, according to a study at Imperial College London.

Though it has lots of calcium, yogurt contains no vitamin D. Milk is fortified with D, and is the major dietary source of it, but the milk that yogurt is made from isn't fortified. Vitamin D helps the body utilize calcium and build bone.

Skinless duck breast has less fat than skinless chicken breast, ounce for ounce.

Eat a potato with its skin - but pare away any green areas, trim visible blemishes and gouge out any sprouts. A potato's skin contains most of its iron, calcium and fiber. Ounce for ounce, the skin is the most nutritous part! The greenish hue on a potato is chlorophyll, a tip-off that too much solanine may be present. Solanine is bitter, and can produce headache, cramps and diarrhea if eaten in large quantities. Potato sprouts also contain lots of solanine, so avoid them.

To choose the best oranges, make sure it feels heavy for its size. That usually means more juice and more flavor.

Eating fruits and vegetables rich in antioxidants (such as vitamins C, E and beta carotene) may keep lungs healthy and thus reduces the risk of asthma, emphysema, and chronic bronchitis. This benefit is less for smokers.

Ounce for ounce, green peppers have three times more Vitamin C than oranges.

American MALE drivers are three times more likely to be killed in a car crash, but American FEMALE drivers are slightly more likely to be in a crash on a per-mile basis. Generally, men drive faster and take more risks, which may account for the average severity of crashes.

Corn, tomatoes and carrots actually have more nutrients after being canned than when raw.

Caffeine boosts the analgesic effect of aspirin or ibuprofen (Motrin). That's why it is added to some products (like Excedrin). But you can simply take a pain reliever with a caffeinated beverage such as coffee, tea or cola to get the same effect!

Both green and black tea have enough flouride to fight tooth decay. Some studies show that tea, if you drink it daily over a lifetime, may also prevent heart disease and cancer.

Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections of Newspapers

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

• Never squat with yer spurs on.
• There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Stupid Tricks for Points

Betcha can't score more than 15 points by the end of the day!

One-Point Gags

• Ignore the first five people who say 'Good morning' to you.
• In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags

• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. (There must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Do not disguise your voice).
• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags

• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
• While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
• While an office colleague is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
• Tuck one pant leg into your sock and, when queried, answer "Not now" and walk away.
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

Useful Work Phrases

• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

You Might Be A Physics Major ...

• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• if you enjoy pain.
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you always do homework on Friday nights.
• if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• if you think in "math."
• if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• if you have a pet named after a scientist.
• if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• if you can translate English into Binary.
• if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
• if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
• if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• if you understood more than five of these indicators.
• if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

The Laws Of Golfing

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. (See Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Oxymorons

 

An Oxymoron is a figure of speech that puts together two contradictory terms. Even the word "oxymoron" is itself one, because it comes from combining the Greek words for "sharp" (oxy) and "dull" (moros). Check out the list below to find some rediculous word pairings often found in common speech.

Act naturally                                      
Advanced BASIC
Almost exactly
Alone together
American English
Authentic replica
Awfully good

Bad luck
Baked Alaska
Bittersweet
Black light
Blank expression
Business ethics
Butthead

California expressway
Cardinal sin
Christian Scientist
Civil war
Classic novel
Classically modern
Clearly confused
Cold comfort
Communist leader
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Cowardly lion
Criminal justice

Deafening silence
Death benefits
Definite maybe
Deliberate thoughtlessness
Down escalator
Dry wine
Dynamic equilibrium

Eloquent silence
European Community
Evaporated milk
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extensive briefing
Extinct life
Eyes Wide Shut

Fairly dark
Famous Belgians
Feminine logic
Forgotten memories
Found missing
Free love
Freezer burn
Fresh-frozen
Friendly fire
Front end
Fun run
Fuzzy logic

Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Government service
Great Britain
Great Depression
Guest host

Hell's Angels
Highly underestimated
Holy war
Homeless shelter
Hopelessly optimistic

Idiot savant
Ill health
Include me out
Industrial park
Instant classic
Intense apathy

Job security
Jumbo shrimp

Least favorite
Light heavyweight
Liquid gas
Little giant
Live recording
Living dead
Loosely packed
Loose tights

Make haste slowly
Managed competition
Microsoft Works
Mild abrasive
Mild enthusiasm
Military intelligence
Minor crisis
Modern history

Natural additives
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-working mother
Normal deviation
Nothing much
Numb feeling

Oddly appropriate
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
Original copy

Paid volunteer
Paperless ofice
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace offensive
Peacekeeper missile
Plastic wood
Positively cynical
Press release
Pretty ugly
Pronounced silence

Random order
Rap music
Real potential
Recorded live
Resident alien
Rock opera
Rolling stop

Safe sex
Safety hazard
Same difference
Second best
Serious fun
Short distance
Silent scream
Simply confusing
Skinny broad
Socialist market economy
Soft rock
Spendthrift
Standard deviation
Stand down
Still life
Still moving
Strangely familiar
Sure bet
Sweet sorrow

Taped live
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
True Lies
True story

Unacceptable solution
Unbiased opinion
Uncrowned king
United Nations
Unsung hero

Vaguely aware
Virtual Reality
Voluntary Compliance

War games
Wholesome
Working vacation