Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Is the wife in control?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Assign the punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

New Yorkers arrived

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

Entering into Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

Making comparisons

In Heaven:

1.     The cooks are French,

2.     The policemen are English,

3.     The mechanics are German,

4.     The lovers are Italian,

5.     The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

1.     The cooks are English,

2.     The policemen are German,

3.     The mechanics are French,

4.     The lovers are Swiss,

5.     The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:

1.     The management is from Intel,

2.     The design and construction is done by Apple,

3.     The marketing is done by Microsoft,

4.     IBM provides the support,

5.     Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

1.     The management is from Apple,

2.     Microsoft does design and construction,

3.     IBM handles the marketing,

4.     The support is from Gateway,

5.     Intel sets the price.

 

Bring riches with you

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

Fulfilling their requests

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !!

Filling in for St. Peter

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

He's going to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Pick Heaven or Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

Need a change? Here's the Spice Girls Application Form . . .

Name:
Age:
Real Age:

1. How would you describe yourself?
a. An energetic self starter
b. A team player
c. Pro-active
d. A tasty bit of crumpet

2. Do you have any vestige of talent, besides your chest or butt?

3. Would it bother you if you were the target of unrelenting hatred?

4. Are you willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music
industry?
a. Yes
b. No

5.How many times have you been kicked out of karaoke bar?

6. Does nudity bother you? If so give three excuses for your
portfolio.

7. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual
free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical
medicine and modern behaviourist psychology. ...just kidding!!

6. Seriously, do you like wearing leather mini-skirts?
a. Yes
b. No

8. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?

9. Choose an appropriate SPICE nickname:
a. Sexy
b. Nasty
c. Sweetie
d. Eezie
e. Syphilis
f. Olde

10. Choose an appropriate SPICE image:
a. Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
b. Tub of lard
c. Bloke in a tracksuit
d. Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
e. Terrifying to small children and old men
f. All of the above

11. Do you promise to make two albums and then go away forever?
a. Yes
b. No

12. Elvis Costello is________________.

a. the king of rock and roll
b. former partner to Bud Abbott
c. Ollet Socsivle backwards
d. oh, you know, this guy

13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres and
75 kilometres an hour respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

14. If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles' loneliness?
a. Yes
b. No

15. List three body parts you'd be willing to pierce and expose
continuously.

16. In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want this job.

************************************

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT CONSENT FORM

Name:______________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY
No:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________ HOME PHONE
No.:________________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________ OFFICE PHONE
No.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify:
_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contatct: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
ear: __________________
other: ________________
Hands on body: ___________________________
shoulder: _______________________
waist: __________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
other: __________________________
Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products,
appliances,etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining
apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ____________________________________
SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE:
____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to
performance rating and evaluation.

**************************************

This is so cool.
Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go
back and count them again. See below...

ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the OF's. The human brain tends
to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost
everybody.

********************************

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?

1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

2. Finish this line: Lions, and tigers, and bears ... (2 words)

3. Hey kids, what time is it? (4 words)

4. What do M and amp;Ms do?

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as ... (2 words)

7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ... (7 words)

8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

9. M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ... (5 words)

10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

11. Brylcream: ... (6 words)

12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

13. I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ... (6 words)

14. War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ... (2 words)

15. Where have all the flowers gone?

16. Superman, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice, and ... (3 words)

17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial
wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18. I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong
to the finish ... (5 words)

19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20. In The Graduate, Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised
about his future and told to consider one thing. What?

21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, Just
think, you don't have ... to kick around any more. (2 words)
And he lied!

22. Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood
six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no
lip to ... (2 words)

23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24. Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ... (3 words)

25. Good night, Chet. ... (3 words)

26. Liar, liar, ... (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

27. When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star
today! Smile! ... (4 words)
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:

1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr
(Richard Starkey)
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder bread
6. Casius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Crebbs
9. ... why, because we like you.
10. nothing but a smile!
11. a little dab will do ya.
12. over 30!
13. ...who wrote the book of love
14. absolutely nothing!
15. long time passing
16. the American way
17. Joe Nameth, aka Broadway Joe, aka Joe Willie.
18. ...'cause I eats me spinach.
19. Mary Martin.
20. Plastic
21. d*ck Nixon.
22. Big John
23. on blueberry hill.
24. ...wherever you are.
25. Good night, David.
26. ...pants on fire.
27. You're on Candid Camera.

****************************************

Guyness Quiz

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!)
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:


(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:

a. Do they need to eat or anything?
b. They're in school already?
c. There are three of them?


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
c. A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.

More Interesting Facts

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing..as do some other body parts to eh??.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,'
and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
 
There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
 
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

Famous Quotes

Albert Einstein Funny Quotes

1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Fredrick Nietzsche Funny Quotes

7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.

8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?

11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

Mark Twain Funny Quotes

12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

Voltaire Funny Quotes

18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.

21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.

24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.

28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.

Plato Funny Quotes

29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.

31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

32. Courage is knowing what not to fear.

33. The measure of a man is what he does with power.

Winston Churchill Funny Quotes

34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

35. If you are going through hell, keep going.

36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

George Carlin Funny Quotes

38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

44. What year did Jesus think it was?

45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

47. “No comment” is a comment.

48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Steve Martin Funny Quotes

50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.

52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies - all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? * As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

Steven Colbert Funny Quotes

57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.” -Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner

58. On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.
 
59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.

61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”

65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Jon Stewart Funny Quotes

66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem - it’s in North Korea.

69. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.

70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

Bill Maher Funny Quotes

71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Larry David Funny Quotes

79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there’s your diamond in the rough.

80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”

Dennis Miller Funny Quotes

82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.

84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”

Jay Leno Funny Quotes

85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes

89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes

94. When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Chris Rock Funny Quotes

96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.

99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.” Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars

101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.

Puns

Very, very punny.

That girl said she met me at a Vegetarian restaurant, but I never met herbivore.

Two Eskimos, out to fish in their canoe got cold and decided to build a small fire in the bottom of their canoe to keep warm. Of course the boat caught fire and sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I thought about starting a conversation about nuts, but then I thought, "Screw it".

An appeals court has upheld a ban on pitbulls. That's another victory in the war on terrier.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all league records were unfortunately lost, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned. 

The sign at the rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass".

Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.

I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized - he was killing me softly with his sarong.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

A rather youthful Billy Joel was fascinated when he entered the Green Room at the Tonight Show and saw a group of matronly nuns hastily applying hair color to the noggin of the show's next guest, Neil Young, whose agent offered an explanation from the corner of the room: "Only the good dye Young."

It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.

What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few."

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?", the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."

The horse got run over by a car. It's now in stable condition. 

When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.

Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The cannibals ate the missionary and got a taste of religion.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Leif Ericsson went off on his voyage, and a year later, his wife noticed that his name wasn't on the village register anymore. She went to the village elders and said, you must have taken Leif off your census.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp fence. Police are looking into it. 

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

There was a fire at a Basque restaurant, but there was only one way out of the restaurant. Many people were injured in the stampede. The moral of this story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

The dentist tells the patient that his upper plate needs to be made of chrome because of the patient's penchant for Hollandaise sauce (which has a lot of lemon juice in it, and is corrosive to most dental appliances). Why chrome? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

A rubber band gun was taken away in algebra class as it was a weapon of math disruption.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

The store promised a free abacus with a purchase, but I wouldn't count on it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.

Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!

Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors' register, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother scolds him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A plane full of Japanese car parts has exploded in midair today. A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs.

Police arrested a man who robbed a bank while Tweeting about it. He's hoping for a short sentence.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

There once was a girl named Carmen Cohen. Her mother called her Carmen and her father called her Cohen. It got so that she didn't know whether she was Carmen or Cohen.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A woman's three sons all leave home to seek their fortunes. Many years later they write to their old mom telling her that they have a successful cattle ranch and want her to come live with them. When she arrives, they proudly show her the ranch and ask her to name it for them, as they owe all their success to her. She thinks about it and tells them to call it Prism Ranch. Curious, they ask her why. "Because," she replies, "that's where the sons raise meat."

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

Because of the tsunami in Japan, the Chinese are hoarding soy sauce. So I guess you shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 

A former Miss Russia has been arrested for both shoplifting and counterfeiting. Police say she can't get her bearings straight.

I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he's James Bond. He's certainly a shorn canary.

I once tried drawing Bill Murray on a one dollar bill but switched to drawing Jude Law. That didn’t work either so I gave up. Washington makes it too hard to turn a Bill into a Law.

There was a scare in the Middle East when famous political figure, Ali Ali was hospitalized because of a dangerously high amount of toxins in his bloodstream. After 5 hours of surgery and blood transfusions, everything is all right now because he is Ali Ali, toxin free.

Palindromes

The same backwards and forwards!

A Toyota! Race fast, safe car. A Toyota!

A Toyota's a Toyota.

A dog - a panic in a pagoda!

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

A man, a plan, a cat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal, Panama!

A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

A tin mug for a jar of gum, Nita.

Ah, Satan Sees Natasha.

Anna: "Did Otto peep?" Otto: "Did Anna?"

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Cain: a maniac!

Campus motto: bottoms up, Mac.

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

Cleveland: DNA Level C.

Dennis sinned.

Dennis and Edna sinned.

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

Dennis, no Misfit can act if Simon sinned.

Devil Natasha, ah, Satan lived!

Diana Bruno, on urban aid. (thanks to Matthew Amacher)

Did Eve salt an atlas? Eve did.

Did I do, O God, did I as I said I'd do? Good, I did.

Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?

Do geese see God?

Do nine men interpret? - Nine men? I nod.

Drat Saddam, a mad dastard!

Draw, o coward!

Draw pupil's lip upward.

Drowsy baby's word.

E. Borgnine drags Dad's gardening robe.

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.

Egad! No bondage!

Emil, a sleepy baby peels a lime.

Eros? Sidney, my end is sore.

Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?

Evil olive.

Flesh! Saw I Mimi wash self!

Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.

God saw I was dog.

God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!

Golf? No sir, prefer prison flog.

He goddam mad dog, eh?

He lived as a devil, eh?

I maim nine men in Miami.

Is it I? It is I!

I, Nora, came most egotistic - it's I - to get some macaroni.

I, man, am regal; a German am I.

If I had a hi-fi.

Is Don Adams mad? (A nod.) Si!

Kayak salad - Alaska yak.

Lager, Sir, is regal.

Laminated E.T. animal.

Late? Bill is ill, I bet, Al.

Lew, Otto has a hot towel!

Lisa Bonet ate no basil.

Lived on Decaf, faced no Devil.

Lonely Tylenol.

Ma has a ham.

Ma is a nun, as I am.

Ma is as selfless as I am.

Madam I'm Adam.

Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam.

Man, Oprah's sharp on A.M.

Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram.

Murder for a jar of red rum.

Naomi, did I moan?

Natasha? Ah, Satan!

Neil A. sees alien!

Never odd or even.

No lemons, no melon.

No misses ordered roses, Simon.

No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.

No, Mel, a sleepy baby peels a lemon.

No trace - not one carton.

Not New York, Roy went on.

Nurse! I spy gypsies! Run!

Oh, no! Don Ho!

Party booby-trap.

Plan no damn Madonna LP.

Doc note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Rats live on no evil star.

Reno loner

Revenge, Meg? Never!

Rise to vote, sir.

Sir, I'm Iris.

Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks "as is".

Sit on a potato pan, Otis!

Slap a ham on Omaha, pals!

Sniff'um muffins.

So many dynamos.

So, G. Rivera's tots are virgos.

So...Mariah Carey, a LP, a player...a chair, Amos!

Some men interpret nine memos.

Spit Q-tips!

Star comedy by Democrats.

Stella won no wallets.

Step on no pets!

To Idi Amin: I'm a idiot!

Toni Tennille fell in net. I, not!

Tons of UFOs? Not!

Tonya may not.

Too bad, I hid a boot.

Trash Tim Smith's Art!

Tulsa night life: filth, gin, a slut.

Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Was it a rat I saw?

Yawn. Madonna Fan? No damn way!

Yawn a more Roman way.

Yo, banana boy!

Yreka Bakery

Aybil was I, ere I saw Libya.