Resumania

'Resumania' is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's
parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job
candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are some
examples:

'I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.' (And an eye on the 'e' section of the dictionary, evidently.)

'Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No problem ...)

'Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable. '(Glad to hear it.)

'I am very detail-oriented. '(With the possible exception of spelling)

'I can play well with others.' (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

'Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.' (A new twist on work-family
balance.)

'Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.' (Have you considered
law school?)

'My salary requirement is $34 per year.' (They say money isn't everything.)

'Served as assistant sore manager.' (Ouch.)

'Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.' (So you're willing to travel?)

'I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.' (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

'Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.' (We're glad you're not bitter.)

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. 

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. 

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. 

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. 

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. 

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. 

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them
badly. 

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. 

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. 

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. 

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. 

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. 

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. 

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. 

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! 

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Did You Hear...?

As it rolls downhill...

Memo from Director General to Manager: 

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. 

Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. 

__
Memo from Manager to Department Head: 

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
__
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: 

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
__
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: 

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
__
Memo from Supervisor to staff: 

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal see page.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

NEW COMPANY POLICIES - ALL EMPLOYEES MUST READ!

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. Tohave something removed constitutes a breach of employment. 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the
job going in your absence. 

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement. 

REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose
names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing,both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there isnow a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, analarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door
will open. 

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks: 

Gross pay $1,212.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.91
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.24
Tic-Tacs $2.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $1.98
Stadium tax $2.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $7.00
FICA $81.88
TGIF Fund $9.95
Life insurance $7.85
Health insurance $17.23
Dental insurance $5.50
Mental insurance $5.33
Disability $3.50
Ability $1.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $16.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $1.32
Desk rental $14.32
Union dues $25.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $28.13
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $14.09
Various $8.01
========================
Net Take Home Pay $6.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. 

Have a nice week, 

Your Boss

Changed HR policies

Casual Fridays:

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees
are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual
Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. 

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. 

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. 

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has
been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributedto every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consultthe "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for workeach Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item ofclothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support forpsychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting toCasual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively
support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective
immediately.

Employee Handbook

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag,we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, you do not need a
raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They arecalled Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time everyyear. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

The Top 16 Traits Of a Highly Ineffective Sales Person

16. His close? "You might find a better price elsewhere -- but don't let me catch you doing it, pal!"

15. Refers to your wife as, "Your passenger-side airbag, there". 

14. Bursts into tears when someone shakes his hand firmly. 

13. Starts every demo with, "In spite of what you may have read in Consumer Reports..." 

12. Wears a clown costume to all sales calls, because everyone loves a clown. 

11. Promotes her new album by tearing up a picture of the Pope. 

10. That catchy, "Sure, our product sucks, but at least it's expensive as hell." 

9. Not only takes "no" for an answer, he insists on it. 

8. Her big sales pitch: A complimentary receipt with every purchase. 

7. Upon first sign of rejection, offers 15 for the price 1. 

6. "Loves Oreos" and "talks with food in mouth" aren't particularly compatible characteristics. 

5. His nickname around the office: "The Capitulator." 

4. In the first pitch meeting, she calls you "Pinky" and your boss "Tubby."

3. Surly De Niroesque responses of "Are you talkin' to me?" unnerve customers. 

2. Doesn't care if you don't buy anything as long as you laugh at his Ghandi impersonation. 

1. Claims everything he sells can "double as an ass scratcher."

PROSTITUTE OR CONSULTANT?

You work very odd hours. 

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money. 

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room. 

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price. 

You are not proud of what you do. 

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded. 

It's difficult to have a family. 

You have no job satisfaction. 

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client. 

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

· People ask you what you do and you can't explain it. 

Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you
attend). 

Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with
only other professionals. 

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate. 

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for themoney. 

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs. 

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the
pain of it all. 

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is
foolish enough to pay it's not your problem. 

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like  hell (compare your appearance on Monday A.M. to Friday P.M.). 

You are rated on your performance in an excruciating ordeal. 

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling. 

The client always thinks your cut of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you. 

When you deduct your take from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you
could get a better deal with another pimp. 

Everyday you wake up and tell yourself you're not going to be doing this stuff
for the rest of your life.

 

Are You Ready For The Working World?Are You Ready

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are
qualified to be a professional. 

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just
need to think like a professional.

1.How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2.How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except
one. Which animal does not attend?

4.There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. 

Answers

1.Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and closes the door. This question
tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2.Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and close
the door. This question tests your foresight.

3.The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. Okay, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4.Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability. If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a trueprofessional.  Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of fouryou have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you answered twoout of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a careerthat does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

 

Advertising Campaigns Gone Bad

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" promptedthem to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention theSpanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
manure stick".

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside,
since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposedto have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, thecompany thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

Sign of The Times

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to
see the manager.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with
child.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship.

On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards: Now available in
multi-packs.

In an appliance store window: Don't kill your wife. Let ourwashing machines do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits -- $100.00 they won't last an
hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End.

In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you cancome right here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

On a movie marquee: Now playing ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.

In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.

On a Tennessee highway: Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road
is impassable.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to
wash your car.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container.

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

Work vs. Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. 

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. 

In prison you get three meals a day. 

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. 

In prison you get time off for good behavior. 

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. 

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 

In prison you can watch TV and play games. 

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. 

At work you are just ball-and-chained. 

In prison you get your own loo. 

At work you have to share. 

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. 

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. 

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. 

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. 

At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. 

At work we have managers.

Interview Mistakes

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. 

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' 

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' 

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' 

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. 

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. 

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. 

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. 

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview. 

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???' 

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Pilot Reports

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews: 

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Double Take Signs

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant -"Blackened bluefish."

In a Maine restaurant - "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store - "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home - "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop in West Virginia - "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store - "15 men's wool suits - $100 
-They won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago - "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant - "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company -"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store - "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston - "Callahan Tunnel - NO END."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon - "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway - "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut - "No trespassing without permission."

In a New York medical building - "Mental Health Prevention Center"

SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER

At a number of US military bases - "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward - "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash - "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store - "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Texas funeral parlor - "Ask about our layaway plan."

TO ALL EMPLOYEES - FOUL LANGUAGE AT WORK

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout
the company have been using foul language during the course of normal
conversation with their co-workers. due to complaints received from some
employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer
tolerated. we do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. therefore,a list of "try saying" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange ofideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk ofoffending our more sensitive employees. 

try saying: perhaps i can work late.
instead of: and when the f*** do you expect me to do this? 

try saying: i'm certain that isn't feasible.
instead of: no f****** way. 

try saying: really?
instead of: you've got to be s******* me! 

try saying: perhaps you should check with...
instead of: tell someone who gives a s***. 

try saying: of course i'm concerned.
instead of: ask me if i give a s***. 

try saying: i wasn't involved in the project.
instead of: it's not my f****** problem. 

try saying: that's interesting.
instead of: what the f***? 

try saying: i'm not sure this can be implemented.
instead of: this s*** won't work. 

try saying: i'll try to schedule that.
instead of: why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? 

try saying: are you sure this is a problem?
instead of: who the hell cares? 

try saying: he's not familiar with the issues.
instead of: he's got his head up his ass. 

try saying: excuse me, sir?
instead of: eat s*** and die. 

try saying: so you weren't happy with it?
instead of: kiss my ass. 

try saying: i'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
instead of: f*** it, i'm on salary. 

try saying: i don't think you understand.
instead of: shove it up your ass. 

try saying: i love a challenge.
instead of: this job sucks. 

try saying: you want me to take care of that?
instead of: who the hell died and made you boss? 

try saying: i see.
instead of: blow me. 

try saying: yes, we really should discuss it.
instead of another f****** meeting! 

try saying: i don't think this will be a problem.
instead of: i really don't give a s***. 

try saying: he's somewhat insensitive. who does this remind you of
instead of: he's a prick. 

try saying: she's an aggressive go-getter.
instead of: she's a ball-busting bitch. 

try saying: i think you could use more training.
instead of: you don't know what the f*** you're doing.

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 

When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was
previously there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

Of he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

WORKPLACE COMEBACK LINES

Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your
blighted and simplistic world-view.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.