What are the pictures?

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

Satan vists the church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Do you go to church?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

Hide him during a war

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Bloopers in the church

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

A little girl wants to go

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

Bloopers in the church

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."

18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."

19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Signs seen near church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

Church for this drunk

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

MANY JOKES TODAY

 (This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie).

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
 

---

There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
 

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A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)
 

---

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The prof said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
 

---

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 

---

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."

(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke helps highlight the contrast implied.)
 

---

This worked fine with my level 200a on up.

A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.

As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.

Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:

"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
 

---

I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate to advanced ESL classes have agreed with me.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
 

----
I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc

It is also good to review "any"

---

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.

The doctor say "Your dog is dead."

The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.

"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.

"What! $325? How's that possible?"

"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."

NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
 

---

The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.

Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.

The old man said "you're velcome."
 

---

Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.
 

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"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!" 

---

A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.

"What do they taste like?" asked the man.

"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
 

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This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.

'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.

The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'

'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
 

---

Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.

Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"

Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as limousine, trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the students as part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when they started chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate for your class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
 

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George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.

The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.

George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He opened the door and saw the bird alive!

The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.

George said, "Why the change?"

The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.

(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
 

---

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.

"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."

Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."

---

A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a sandwich.When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.
 

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I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story.

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."

So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
 

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This joke never fails to get a laugh.
A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap." (Draw a box on the blackboard.)
"Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw a circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."

The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man, "Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.

One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says, "This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire wraps around his neck and kills him."

The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as before. The slow witted man leaves.

One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent officer and says, (The exact same things)
"Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's the saw blade."

The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha," says the slow witted man.
"That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the hole
and says," "Where did you put the cheese."

(When the mouse speeks you must act like the mouse. Stick your head out as if looking into the trap and swing it back and forth as if looking for the cheese.)

The implication is that the mouse will saw off his own head while looking for the cheese. Remember the saw blade?
 

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An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

(The check is in the mail.)
 

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A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

---

There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?". The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."
 

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An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was very popular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost.
After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a 40 story building. "I have bad news," the man said "because we have one brick left over!" "Oh no!" the architect exclaimed, "My ten year perfection record is broken!"
Do you know what he did with the brick?
He threw it away!
 

---

When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.
When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth?
---The brick!
 

---

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."

The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:

panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.

More Short Funny Jokes

 

When life gives you lemons...make grape juice, and watch while the world wonders how you did it.

I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.

Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong.

I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.

I used to work at the unemployment office, then I got fired. I had to show up the next day anyway!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

Don't look at me with that tone of voice.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I am having an out of money experience.

Smoking is a dying art.

I just bought a new toilet brush. I still prefer paper, though.

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"

I don’t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

Can you play sole music with a shoe horn?

Jesus saves. Moses invests.

Can a match box? No, but a tin can. 

Customer: Waiter! There is a fly in my soup. Waiter: That could very well be, sir, the cook used to be a tailor. 

Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.

I wasn't the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.

I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.

Money flies when you're having fun.

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? 

My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared!

Men are like roses - watch out for the pricks!

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.

Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store? 

I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It’s one of those self-help books. It’s called "How To Get Along With Everybody." I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk.

I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.

The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself. 

It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

That guy is so vain - he won’t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

In football, why does the running back run forward?

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.

A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."

God created man. Then God said, "I can do better". Then he created woman. 

The constipated composer couldn't finish his last movement.

I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months. It's probably the mittens.

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. 

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.

Obey gravity! It's the law.

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off, but he was trying to pull my leg. 

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

In football, why does the running back run forward?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? 

An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

If you were under house arrest, but lived in a mobile home - you could still go wherever you wanted.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That's a good thing, because he's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor,"You can go on in." The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, "You can go in on a trial basis." The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, "You can enter, but only for 3 days."

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it.

For God's sake, why are you hanging around with athiests? 

I met a woman named "Viamonte". I said, "You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do." 

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

Two houseflies on top of some cow manure. One fly farted, and the other fly said, "Can't you see we're eating here? Have some manners!"

It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke."

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates.

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

Do dwarves get paid under the table? 

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen?

The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it.

A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door.

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.

One cannibal says to another, "I hate my mother-in-law."

Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? 

The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.

There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It's the Picabo ICU.

If you wear a "Guess" shirt, is the answer on the back of the shirt? 

A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!"

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.

Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, "This is the longest stairway I've ever seen!" The other guy says, "Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back."

I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"

There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!

All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.

What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.

What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?"

A homeless guy came up to me, "I haven't eaten all day". I said, "Good, then you won't get cramps if you go swimming."

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?"

There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.

Power Failure: Something that could make IBM a house of ill compute.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It's a good thing I didn't catch more, I couldn't afford them.

A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."

A nun says to Mother Superior, "There's a case of syphilis in the convent!" Mother Superior says, "That's great, I was getting tired of the Chablis."

I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!"

A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man, "Paint my porch out back, and I'll give you $100". Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, "I'm all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes."

There is a sale in the men's department. All pants are half off.

What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the most violent book I have ever read!"

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I swallowed a pool ball!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to get back to the end of the queue."

Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots.

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They're all Targets.

A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."

The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner." Vet: "That's OK, he's a boxer."

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."  Woman: "I'll miss you."

One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry.

At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

"Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted. 

If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

All computers wait at the same speed.

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it.

It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air Supply.

Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, "No, God will help me." Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, "No, God will help me." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "What about the firemen and police I sent?"

A drummer walks into a music store and says, "I'll buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "You must be a drummer. That's the radiator."

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!