Work vs. Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. 

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. 

In prison you get three meals a day. 

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. 

In prison you get time off for good behavior. 

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. 

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 

In prison you can watch TV and play games. 

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. 

At work you are just ball-and-chained. 

In prison you get your own loo. 

At work you have to share. 

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. 

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. 

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. 

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. 

At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. 

At work we have managers.

Interview Mistakes

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. 

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' 

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' 

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' 

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. 

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. 

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. 

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. 

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview. 

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???' 

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Pilot Reports

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews: 

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."