101 Ways to Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 

21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times. 

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 

45. Honk and wave to strangers. 

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 

49. Wear your pants backwards. 

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 

53. only type in lowercase. 

54. dont use any punctuation either 

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 

73. Drive half a block. 

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are. 

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 

86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 

96. Never make eye contact. 

97. Never break eye contact. 

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day

You wake up face down on the pavement. 

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 

You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office. 

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. 

Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed. 

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together. 

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. 

Your blind date turns out to be your ex. 

Your paycheck bounces. 

You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 

Your pet rock snaps at you. 

Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.