IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR COMPUTER, BELOW SOME SUGGESTIONS

Computer Gender

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but  forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson  virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey  virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,  and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit  virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr.  Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files  and deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your  whole computer go down.
Disney  virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac  virus: Screws up your RAM  but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone  virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's  there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
HBO  virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen  virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
NFL Blackout virus: Will  only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75  miles away.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your  personal files and forwards them to the authorities.
Bill Clinton  virus: Won't let you query the system for information.
Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything  to the right.
Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused  search of a specific file into a global interregation of every  existing file. Creates links between unrelated data.  Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Al Gore  virus: Runs quietly in background mode  but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Saddam Hussein  virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya  Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michael virus: Runs its course,  occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco  virus: Only attacks minor files.
Jerry Seinfeld  virus: Program about nothing that exits  when you're really enjoying it.
David Caruso NYPD Blue virus:   After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files  virus: All your Icons start  shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real  function, but makes a pretty desktop.
AT&T  virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger  virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Girlfriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the productbrochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't remind me again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Work vs. Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. 

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. 

In prison you get three meals a day. 

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. 

In prison you get time off for good behavior. 

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. 

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 

In prison you can watch TV and play games. 

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. 

At work you are just ball-and-chained. 

In prison you get your own loo. 

At work you have to share. 

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. 

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. 

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. 

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. 

At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. 

At work we have managers.

Interview Mistakes

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. 

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' 

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' 

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' 

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. 

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. 

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. 

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. 

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview. 

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???' 

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Pilot Reports

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews: 

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Funny Resumes and One liners from Job Applications

1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'
2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'

3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'

4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'

5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'

6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'

7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'

8. 'Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.'

9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'

10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.'

11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'

12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'

13. 'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'

14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'

15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '

16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'

17.'I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.'

18.'Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.'

19.'As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.'

20.'Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.'

21.'Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as ' job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.'

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.'

23.'Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.'

24.'The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.'

26.'References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.'