INTERNATIONAL MARKETING FLOPS - ACTUAL ACCOUNTS

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It
shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. 

For example... 

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came
out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
translated in the Japanese market into "Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshedthat your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figuredout why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets tothe Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company foundout that Pinto was Brazilian slang for"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all thenameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's
mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the adssaid that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which
promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish,
the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perduewith one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption thatexplained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos
before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case,
however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours.

Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its
name. 

and finally...
 
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Project Managers

If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager 

If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager 

If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager 

If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.) 

If get kill in will way I you.
- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager 
 
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
- messianic project manager 

Get away, I'll kill us all!
- suicidal project manager 

If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
- thoughtful but ineffective project manager 

If I kill you, I'll get in your way.
- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious 

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
- project manager from New York
 
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed.
- project manager who is about to get in big trouble 

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
- weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager 

If I kill me, you'll get your way.
- pragmatic project manager 

Kill me, it's the only way.
- every project manager to date.

Opportunity at Dark Side Consulting Group

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side

Consulting Group

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operatinga variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-poweredspace/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is
also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant. Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give
in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire
would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field.

Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothingallowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.

Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them  holographically to: jobs@darkside.com.

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization,founded a long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-termadvantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and thelong-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We providedirection to our partner organizations through knowledgemanagement, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention

expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.

Work vs. Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. 

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. 

In prison you get three meals a day. 

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. 

In prison you get time off for good behavior. 

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. 

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 

In prison you can watch TV and play games. 

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. 

At work you are just ball-and-chained. 

In prison you get your own loo. 

At work you have to share. 

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. 

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. 

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. 

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. 

At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. 

At work we have managers.

Interview Mistakes

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. 

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' 

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' 

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' 

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. 

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. 

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. 

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. 

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview. 

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???' 

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Pilot Reports

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews: 

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Twenty Management Styles

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers youwill always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you canhear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet withtheir backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk tothem, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows. 

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking. 

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. 

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes. 

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the presentfrom a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work,completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about. 

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the marketvalue of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. 

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent theirbosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do. 

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on. 

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them,lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore. 

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn,
the further they get from the practice. 

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance. 

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are. 

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes. 

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure. 

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ). 

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms. 

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize. 

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all. 

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

 

Job Placement

 

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to
jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. 

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. 

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. 

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting. 

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. 

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel are a good spot for them. 

If they are sleeping, they are Management material. 

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. 

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. 

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

McDonalds Job Application

This is an actual job application!

NAME: Greg Bulmash 

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes. 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. 

SALARY: Less than I'm worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. 

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BESTOF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

Top 15 Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff

15. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe." 

14. Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant." 

13. Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work." 

12. Company softball team down-sized to chess team. 

11. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns. 

10. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle." 

9. Company president now driving a Hyundai. 

8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth. 

7. Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics. 

6. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by. 

5. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters. 

4. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager. 

3. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet. 

2. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string. 

1. President begins weekly meetings, "Good morning, you ignorant bastards."

DAILY BUSINESS

 The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.Those who don't know are also in two groups.One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "Nothing. He's an economist."

When I take a long time, I am slow.When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.When I don't do it, I am lazy.When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.When my boss does the same, that is initiative.When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.When I do good, my boss never remembers.When I do wrong, he never forgets.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.""And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work."Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!""That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.""You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist."I do," replies the man. "How did you know?""Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless."The man below says: "You must be in management.""I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well", says the man, "you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre still in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault."

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.MemorandumTo:

All EmployeesFrom: HeadquartersSubject: Business Travel Policy GuidelinesDate: June 16, 2000Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.TransportationIf commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.LodgingAll employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.MealsExpenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.EntertainmentEntertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.MiscellaneousAll employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.