Top ten things that sound dirty, but in the office aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. Hmm, I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid

1. Light's on but nobody is home. 

2. A brick shy of a full load. 

3. Doesn't have all of their dogs barking. 

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box. 

5. Not the sharpest knife in the draw. 

6. A few clowns short of a circus. 

7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 

8. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 

9. A few beers short of a six-pack. 

10. Dumber than a box of hair. 

11. A few peas short of a casserole. 

12. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. 

13. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 

14. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 

15. One taco short of a combination plate. 

16. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 

17. All foam, no beer. 

18. The cheese slid off his cracker. 

19. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 

20. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 

21. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 

22. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 

23. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 

24. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 

25. As smart as bait. 

26. Chimney's clogged. 

27. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 

28. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. 

29. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 

30. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 

31. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 

32. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 

33. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 

34. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 

35. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 

36. No grain in the silo. 

37. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 

38. Receiver is off the hook. 

39. Several nuts short of a full pouch. 

40. Skylight leaks a little. 

41. Slinky's kinked. 

42. Surfing in Nebraska. 

43. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 

44. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. 

45. As bright as a 1/2 watt bulb. 

46. As swift as roadkill rabbit. 

47. As sharp as a butter knife. 

48. As swift as a sailboat on a calm day. 

49. As bright as a bag of hammers.

Most common lies

1. I won't laugh. I promise.

2. Your table will be ready in a few minutes.

3. I never got your text.

4. I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.

5. You will need to know this later in life.

6. No, I'm OK. I'm just tired.

7. OK, just one more episode.

8. I'm on my way.

9. Sorry, my parents said no.

10. I'm just kidding.

The Ten Ifs of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.

2. If it clunks, call the repairman.

3. If it whistles, ignore it.

4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.

5. If it's the boss, look busy.

6. If it talks, take notes.

7. If it's handwritten, type it.

8. If it's typed, copy it.

9. If it's copied, file it.

10. If it's Friday, forget it!

10 Things Never to Say to a Taller Woman

10. "You must be a model!" (This line shows that you're not trying very hard, even if you clarify up front that you're only asking because she's really rilly pretty.)

9. "You can't be 5'10". I'm 5'10"!" (It's one thing to lie about your height while you're sitting down or on an Internet profile. When you say this to someone who has to lean down to hear it, you're busted.)


8. "Is it hard for you to meet people taller than you?" (If she has to explain the bell curve to you, you might not be an intellectual match.)

7. "Now there's a tree I'd like to climb." (Yummeh.)

6. "How do you kiss?" (Or the skin-crawling subset: "Wow, I feel like I'm the girl!" You do realize that kissing doesn't require her to use her legs, right?)

5. "I could eat my way to the top." (Stop. Just stop.)

4. "How tall are you, anyway?" (Think about it: Whatever she answers won't make much difference, except that you'll look sorta insecure for having asked. Use some deductive reasoning and you should be able to guess within an inch or two.)

3. "How do you wear heels?" (Like everyone else: one foot at a time. She looks even better when she does it, shortstack.)

2. "It won't matter much when we're lying down." (Only a fool would invite commentary on the inches that do make a difference during horizontal integration.)

1. "Do you play basketball?" (People don't ask "Do you play professional baseball?" just because you're paunchy and chew tobacco. Pay it forward by giving tall women the same courtesy.)

Bad Date Signs

1. Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

2. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

3. She has a thicker mustache than you....

4. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

5. Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

6. At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

7. She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

8. At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

9. She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

10. She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you....