My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

Caught Speeding

 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

I Like the Way You Think

 

One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."
Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
"If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
"The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."

Ways To Turn Men Down

 

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, i'd rather have the money
He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
He: Your face must turn a few heads.
She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
He: Haven't I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.
He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

Clever Pick Up Lines

 

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears
My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?

Funny Pick Up Lines

 

You ain't the HOTTEST guy here tonight, but beauty is only a light-switch away!
So ya wanta put your pickle in my juicy jar!!!
Is your dad a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb!
Lets play Pearl Harber, I lay down and you blow me to heaven
Is that dress felt ? Would you like it to be.
What's a big girl like you doing in a small town like this.
Lets play house, you be the screandoor and i'll bang you all night long.
Sure its a needle but it moves like a sewing machine
You wanna come over to my house and play battleship. I can show you my destroyer