Sarcastic Remarks for Work
1. And your crybaby whiny opinion
would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I
leave the house?
19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. And which dwarf are you?
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. Meandering to a different drummer.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
TOP TEN TRICKS
TO LIVEN UP A MEETING
Stand up and act indignant.
Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink ateveryone.
Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the
meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I
see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not
actually your boss's.)
Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the
boss make him/her stop doing it.
Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh,
uh-huh!"
Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize
10. Company Softball Team is
converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an
"Outplacement Coordinator".
8. Your best looking women in Marketing
are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the
Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at
Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving
a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the
local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the
local "Army & Navy Surplus Store" are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a
Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart
board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.
How all careers end
How careers end...
Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are
disoriented.
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are
debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark.
NEW COMPANY POLICIES - ALL EMPLOYEES MUST READ!
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. Tohave something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the
job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose
names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
8:10, employees whose names begin with'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and
so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing,both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there isnow a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, analarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door
will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,212.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.91
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.24
Tic-Tacs $2.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $1.98
Stadium tax $2.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $7.00
FICA $81.88
TGIF Fund $9.95
Life insurance $7.85
Health insurance $17.23
Dental insurance $5.50
Mental insurance $5.33
Disability $3.50
Ability $1.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $16.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $1.32
Desk rental $14.32
Union dues $25.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $28.13
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $14.09
Various $8.01
========================
Net Take Home Pay $6.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations,
contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
Your Boss
Changed HR policies
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting
Fridays as Casual Day. Employees
are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3
- Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not
appropriate attire for Casual
Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.
When planning Friday's
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will
be held at 4
p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a
14-member Casual Day Task Force has
been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a
30-page manual entitled
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been
distributedto every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear"
and consultthe "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before
leaving for workeach Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item ofclothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been
expanded to provide support forpsychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting
toCasual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are
no longer able to effectively
support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective
immediately.
Employee Handbook
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work
dressed according to your
salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci
bag,we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, you do not need a
raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They arecalled Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time everyyear. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
The Top 16 Traits Of a Highly Ineffective
Sales Person
16. His close? "You might find a better
price elsewhere -- but don't let me catch you doing it, pal!"
15. Refers to your wife as, "Your
passenger-side airbag, there".
14. Bursts into tears when someone shakes his
hand firmly.
13. Starts every demo with, "In spite of
what you may have read in Consumer Reports..."
12. Wears a clown costume to all sales calls,
because everyone loves a clown.
11. Promotes her new album by tearing up a
picture of the Pope.
10. That catchy, "Sure, our product sucks,
but at least it's expensive as hell."
9. Not only takes "no" for an answer,
he insists on it.
8. Her big sales pitch: A complimentary receipt
with every purchase.
7. Upon first sign of rejection, offers 15 for
the price 1.
6. "Loves Oreos" and "talks with
food in mouth" aren't particularly compatible characteristics.
5. His nickname around the office: "The
Capitulator."
4. In the first pitch meeting, she calls you
"Pinky" and your boss "Tubby."
3. Surly De Niroesque responses of "Are
you talkin' to me?" unnerve customers.
2. Doesn't care if you don't buy anything as
long as you laugh at his Ghandi impersonation.
1. Claims everything he sells can "double
as an ass scratcher."
