FEW EXAMPLES TO HELP YOU 

 HOW TO WRITE LETTERS

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON

Dearest Redneck Son,

        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. 

We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in

the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from

your home, so we moved.

        I won't be able to send you the address because the last

Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they

moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.

I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of

clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.

        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last

week; the first time for three days and the second time for four

days.

        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle

Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the

buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were

really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your

father out.

        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found

out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.

The baby looks just like your brother.

        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried

to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.

We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup

truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam 

to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned

because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much

out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

*************************************************************

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and

after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department

store and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair

of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.

(The sweetheart got the panties.)  Without checking the contents, Jim

sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing

any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger

sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears

the short ones that are easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade, but

the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three

weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and

she really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you the first time.

No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have

the chance to see you again.  When you take them off blow in them before

putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope

you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

               

                                           All My Love,

                                           Jimmy

P.S.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

      Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the

      latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

***************************************************************

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering

I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice

holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along

my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my

grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They

look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the

freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried

Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a

good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over

again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would

have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of

my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating

off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used

to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the

frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about

sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive

family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling

grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the

black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

************************************************************

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda.

PS Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

**************************************************************

A Letter from Account Receivables

DATE

COMPANY

ADDRESS

CITY, STATE, ZIP

Attention:  _____________________

Dear    ____________________,

Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations!  We are

still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month

ago.  I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was

due over a year ago.  Get real.  If they haven't paid you yet they are

probably not going to.  That is not our problem.

Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check.  We are

not willing to wait any longer for our money.  If I had my way, we wouldn't

sell you any product at all.  You are not a good risk.  We put you on open

account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and

now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that

it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.  And I love how you got your

husband involved.  When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous

that the check wasn't any good.  He had me going!

The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you.  She is really good at

collecting.  Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!

One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any

purchases you make with us from now on.  We will let the credit card

company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them.

Again, not our problem.

Yours truly,

Accounts Receivables

*********************************************************

THANK YOU

Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!

It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out

from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the

arse out of 40-gallon drum.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected

with a disease.

I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using

deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have

to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might

drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask

me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with

calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are

nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that

are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their

wares.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would

get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody

- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a

nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not

to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of

the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I

participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and

neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am

positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to

follow and I got a curse.

*****************************************************************

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes

For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,

non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere

summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the

religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,

with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of

others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions

at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,

but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures

whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and

without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,

religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and

operating system of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

1.   The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

2.   It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.

3.   It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the

     wishes for her/himself or others.

4.   It is void where prohibited by law, and

5.   It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application

of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a

subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is

limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the

sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer:

The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season.

Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this

particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the

use of the color blue.

*******************************************************************

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

*******************************************************************

Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your

advice. 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. 

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. 

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I

ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't

know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but  I

usually fall asleep. 

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with  my wife. 

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she

went out again and I decided to finally check on her. 

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I  could get a

good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with

'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which  was

open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I  noticed a

hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop

where I bought it?

****************************************************************

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She also

enjoys writing to relatives.   

Dear Family, 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk

if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that

day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by

a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my

bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had

changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't

honked,  I'd never have noticed.   I found that lots of people love Jesus!

 While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and

then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go!

Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for

Jesus!    Everyone started honking!   

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those

loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach. 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck

up in the air.   I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what

that meant.    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or

something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the

window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out

laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they

got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to

pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light

had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and

drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before

the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after

all the love we had shared.   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the

window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I

drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

Granny Mabel