Famous Last Words

1. I'll get a world record for this.

2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

3. It's fireproof.

4. He's probably just hibernating.

5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.

6. So, you're a cannibal.

7. It's probably just a rash.

8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!

10. Pull the pin and count to what?

11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

12. I wonder where the mother bear is.

13. I've seen this done on TV.

14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.

15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.

17. Rat poison only kills rats.

18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

19. This doesn't taste right.

20. I can make this light before it changes.

21. Nice doggie.

22. I can do that with my eyes closed.

23. Well, we've made it this far.

24. That's odd.

25. Don't be so superstitious!

Lessons from Hollywood

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Bad Pick Up Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!

Things Parents Don't Say

1. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

2. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

3. Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.

4. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

5. That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

6. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

7. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

8. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

9. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

10. Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Funny Quotes

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush