Resumania

'Resumania' is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's
parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job
candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are some
examples:

'I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.' (And an eye on the 'e' section of the dictionary, evidently.)

'Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No problem ...)

'Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable. '(Glad to hear it.)

'I am very detail-oriented. '(With the possible exception of spelling)

'I can play well with others.' (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

'Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.' (A new twist on work-family
balance.)

'Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.' (Have you considered
law school?)

'My salary requirement is $34 per year.' (They say money isn't everything.)

'Served as assistant sore manager.' (Ouch.)

'Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.' (So you're willing to travel?)

'I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.' (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

'Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.' (We're glad you're not bitter.)

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. 

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. 

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. 

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. 

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. 

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. 

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them
badly. 

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. 

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. 

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. 

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. 

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. 

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. 

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. 

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! 

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Did You Hear...?

As it rolls downhill...

Memo from Director General to Manager: 

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. 

Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. 

__
Memo from Manager to Department Head: 

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
__
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: 

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
__
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: 

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
__
Memo from Supervisor to staff: 

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal see page.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Good to be American

Top ten reasons why it's great to be American

You can have a woman president without electing her

You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

You can call Budweiser beer

You can be a crook and still be president

If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything

If you can breathe you can get a gun

You can invent a new public holiday every year

You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"

You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

Miscellaneous terms

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.