Double Take Signs

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant -"Blackened bluefish."

In a Maine restaurant - "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store - "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home - "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop in West Virginia - "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store - "15 men's wool suits - $100 
-They won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago - "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant - "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company -"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store - "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston - "Callahan Tunnel - NO END."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon - "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway - "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut - "No trespassing without permission."

In a New York medical building - "Mental Health Prevention Center"

SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER

At a number of US military bases - "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward - "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash - "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store - "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Texas funeral parlor - "Ask about our layaway plan."

TO ALL EMPLOYEES - FOUL LANGUAGE AT WORK

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout
the company have been using foul language during the course of normal
conversation with their co-workers. due to complaints received from some
employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer
tolerated. we do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. therefore,a list of "try saying" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange ofideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk ofoffending our more sensitive employees. 

try saying: perhaps i can work late.
instead of: and when the f*** do you expect me to do this? 

try saying: i'm certain that isn't feasible.
instead of: no f****** way. 

try saying: really?
instead of: you've got to be s******* me! 

try saying: perhaps you should check with...
instead of: tell someone who gives a s***. 

try saying: of course i'm concerned.
instead of: ask me if i give a s***. 

try saying: i wasn't involved in the project.
instead of: it's not my f****** problem. 

try saying: that's interesting.
instead of: what the f***? 

try saying: i'm not sure this can be implemented.
instead of: this s*** won't work. 

try saying: i'll try to schedule that.
instead of: why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? 

try saying: are you sure this is a problem?
instead of: who the hell cares? 

try saying: he's not familiar with the issues.
instead of: he's got his head up his ass. 

try saying: excuse me, sir?
instead of: eat s*** and die. 

try saying: so you weren't happy with it?
instead of: kiss my ass. 

try saying: i'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
instead of: f*** it, i'm on salary. 

try saying: i don't think you understand.
instead of: shove it up your ass. 

try saying: i love a challenge.
instead of: this job sucks. 

try saying: you want me to take care of that?
instead of: who the hell died and made you boss? 

try saying: i see.
instead of: blow me. 

try saying: yes, we really should discuss it.
instead of another f****** meeting! 

try saying: i don't think this will be a problem.
instead of: i really don't give a s***. 

try saying: he's somewhat insensitive. who does this remind you of
instead of: he's a prick. 

try saying: she's an aggressive go-getter.
instead of: she's a ball-busting bitch. 

try saying: i think you could use more training.
instead of: you don't know what the f*** you're doing.

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 

When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was
previously there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

Of he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

WORKPLACE COMEBACK LINES

Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your
blighted and simplistic world-view.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.